Vanity Fair Blogger

Vanity Fair blogger, Jim Windolf, wrote a blog post titled “Blog Stuff I’m Sick Of” where he listed his top ten blog annoyances:

1. “Also?”
2. Muppets
3. Dumb comments
4. Cupcakes
5. “But!”
6. Long analyses of Gossip Girl, Mad Men, The Hills
7. Best. [Insert Noun Here]. Ever.”
8. Lists
9. Strong opinions on small things
10. Gratuitous links that go nowhere

I find #8 interesting given the format of this post – a list. But I guess Windolf was being facetious. And annoying

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Choice in Pizza Topping May Indicate How Annoying You Are.

According to MSN Dating & Relating, the choices we make in pizza toppings determine not only our personality type, but also the personality type we’re best suited for. (Finally, a compatibility test I can actually get behind!) After reading through what’s what in the world of paramours and pizza, I decided this analysis is a great way to figure out whether or not you and your date/lover/stalkee are meant to be. See for yourself:

If your date orders one meat topping…
People who order just pepperoni or sausage on their pie are generally irritable, prone to procrastination, and they often “forget” obligations (like that weekend getaway he or she promised to take with you in the spring).
Compatible with: others who prefer one meat topping

If your date orders multiple meat toppings…
Real meat lovers who pile on the pepperoni, sausage, and ham tend to be dramatic, seductive, sweep-you-off-your-feet extroverts who thrive as the center of attention.
Compatible with: people who prefer one meat topping

If your date orders one veggie topping…
Those who prefer one vegetable topping are empathetic, easygoing romantics.
Compatible with: everybody!

If your date orders multiple veggies…
These dates are trustworthy, loyal, humble, and avoid the spotlight. In fact, they’re so quiet and conflict-averse they tend to be taken for granted in relationships.
Compatible with: people who prefer non-traditional toppings

If your date orders non-traditional toppings…
People who prefer offbeat options like pineapple or extra onions tend to be aggressive, ambitious, and competitive. In other words: Don’t expect a mellow relationship.
Compatible with: others who prefer non-traditional toppings

(some non-traditional pizza toppings)

In all seriousness though, I do have a question: what happens if you prefer more than just one of these choices? See, I do like a good “one meat” pizza, but I also really enjoy “multiple veggies” and “non-traditional” toppings, “non-traditional toppings” such as “offbeat” pineapple. And I’m not just saying this so I can avoid being categorized as having the “one meat topping” personality traits, since, I’m not even gonna deny that shit. But I’m also not going to deny my other (apparent) defining characteristics. You know, the ones that don’t make me out to be a lazy bitch. Whoever created this toppings breakdown should add in a few other options. It would improve its legitimacy/accuracy.

Also, I’m inclined to believe that cheese is still the #1 pizza pick, however this list does not provide that as a selection. I guess MSN Dating & Relating assumes that anyone who orders a plain pie is LAME. Too lame to partake in a totally un-lame soulmate match-up by MSN.com. Though, in their (MSN’s Dating & Relating’s) defense, cheese pizza is pretty weak.

So in conclusion, if you’re anything like me, you too are prone to procrastination, but also ambitious, but also irritable, but also conflict-averse. In other words, you (and I) are perfect. And if the only thing you ask for in a pizza is some shredded fromage, looks as though you have no personality at all. Thanks for clearing that up, MSN.

PS. I know, I’m so glad I was able to turn this into an entry that’s mostly about me, too.

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Correction

Several weeks ago, I unfairly admonished the New York Times for its use of “ginormous” – as in something that is really big – in an article. I would like to rescind my criticism, as the word “ginormous” is, as of today, an actual word.

Of course, it’s actually the Times’ fault that the word is real at all. According to the Associated Press, “Merriam-Webster editors have spotted [“ginormous”] in countless newspaper and magazine articles since 2000. That’s essentially the criterion for making it into the collegiate dictionary — if a word shows up often enough in mainstream writing, the editors consider defining it.”

For those keeping score at this point: New York Times: 1; English language: 0

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Chilling Realizations

This just in: Newsweek has posted an article about how dumb Americans are.

Yeah, yeah. I think the one thing we all definitively know is that we are, as a nation, borderline retarded.

While taking the poll myself (with the answers right below each question), I realized that I’m just as American (read: dumb) as the next guy. This was my favorite question:

The reason “no” is highlighted is because it is the correct answer. Does this seem weird to anyone else? Is this a question that could logically have a “yes” or “no” answer? If it was, would “no” really be the correct answer?

It’s true that some people didn’t know the right answer to a lot of questions (for the record, SUVs definitely contribute to global warming). But more importantly – and I think this speaks more to the American way than sheer stupidity – we didn’t even try to answer a lot of questions. For most of the questions in the poll, “Don’t Know/Refused” was the first or second most selected answer. Well, at least we’re not cocky.

Thankfully, America got its comeuppance with the following questions:

Yeah, fuck you, Newsweek! That’s right! More Americans know who Jane Austen is than Jordin Sparks. Though not me, admittedly. Again, though, these questions illustrate our preference for admitting our ignorance openly (48% and 78% respectively just didn’t know).

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Yo Ho Ho, Bitches.

“The only rules that really matter are these: what a man can do and what a man can’t do…For example, I can let you drown, but I can’t bring this ship into Tortuga all by me onesies, savvy? So, can you sail under the command of a pirate, or can you not?”

The immortal words quoted above were uttered by all of our favorite pirate, Captain Jack Sparrow, in all of our favorite pirate movie, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, a.k.a. Pirates 1. In this scene, Captain Jack is trying to explain to Will Turner, nascent pirate, the essential truth of piratehood: you can only trust a pirate to do what’s in his own best interest in the moment without regard to promises, alliances, or interpersonal relationships.

Like me, some of you may have watched Pirates 3 this weekend. Also like me, some others may have read a few reviews about the film. Many of the reviews I read (I only read one) pointed to a real shitshow of conflicting plot lines which made the movie virtually impenetrable for the mind of a grown person. I totally agree with this claim, but I still think this was the best of the three Pirates movies. I think the real problem is the general public’s inability to deal with the intricacies of pirate culture.

At World’s End featured more alliance-switching than a bunch of gypsies playing Risk. There were three or four general sides – two competing pirate factions, the Navy and then an occasional personal grouping (like lovers, or people trying to lift curses, etc.). So that’s already kind of confusing. As the story progresses, the pirate factions join and separate, individuals make pacts with the Navy or another pirates, and then all of those promises are repeatedly broken, repaired and then rended again. It’s zany!

But this is not a symptom of poor story telling. It is simply art imitating pirate life. As I mentioned earlier, a pirate can only ensure acting in his own best interest. There’s nothing you can do about it. It’s just how pirates are. And clearly the pirate scholars who wrote this movie, or at least provided consulting services, were trying to express this cultural phenomenon. And if it confused you, well, I guess that just makes you a bad pirate.

Savvy?

Pirates trying to out-pirate each other.

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Take Your Child to Work.

Johnbaptisedme: Today is take your child to work day.
Recklesley: Yeah?
Johnbaptisedme: Yeah. Did you bring your kid in?
Recklesley: I’ve got too many. It would be a hassle.
Johnbaptisedme: That’s true. Especially since most of them are inbred.
Recklesley: The ones with cats for faces tend to freak people out.
Johnbaptisedme: And the ones with extra limbs.
Recklesley: Yeah. But I find baggy sweatshirts really help with that.
Johnbaptisedme: You would.

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