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Archive for the ‘Long Island’ Category

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about.brooklyn told my Google Dashboard that the Hampton Jitney now stops at Fourth Ave & Union, Fourth Ave & Ninth, Atlantic & Third Ave, and Cadman Plaza!

I for one, am relieved. How many times have I scuffed my Louis Vuitton matched luggage set shlepping (excuse me, traversing) around the city trying to find my way out to the Hamptons!

On the scale of gentrification, I think “getting a local Hamptons express stop” is somewhere above “coffee shop” and just below “Dean & Deluca is your only neighborhood grocery store.” What is it called after gentrification?

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I post in response to a recent New York Magazine article whose subject matter rendered me shocked and appalled. It inquires, “Can Human Giant Save MTV?” an incredibly bold and misguided question not because the answer might be no, but because it assumes that MTV needs to be saved in the first place.
Human Giants
Human Giant, a sketch comedy show featuring the three funniest people ever, is destined for greatness. I find myself in the unique and completely impartial position to make this statement, because, aside from the minor details that I will be making an appearance in the pilot (OMG I’M GOING TO BE ON MTV, WOOOOO!) and that the show is directed by my future brother-in-boyfriendship (I’M TOTALLY FAMOUS, WAAAAA!) I have absolutely no vested interest in its inevitable success. That being said, the show is but a drop in the extremely large bucket that is MTV’s current lineup of timelessly brilliant programming. In fact, because MTV is currently experiencing such incredible success and critical acclaim, Human Giant could be the most boring shit ever and still have a viewership that rivals the Super Bowl. Don’t get me wrong, I think Human Giant is quality programming, and I will proudly collect my weekly royalties when the show reaches syndication and my .06 second performance as Guy on the Bench is streamed on KRZRs across America. I simply feel that this success is unavoidable, as, contrary to the derisive tone of this misguided New York article, Human Giant will be airing not at the MTV’s lowest moment, but rather, at its zenith.

Venture with me, if you will, back to a time when the network was overrun with nonsensical “musical shorts” depicting arsonists, oversexed children, child pornographers, drug addicts, Weird Al, and murderers flaunting their booties and wads of Benjamins. The year was 1995. These unsavory figures ruled the airwaves, threatening the very moral fabric of our society, and frankly, ruining what preeminence the MTV network had painstakingly earned during the days of Peter Gabriel and (early) REM. This was MTV at its lowest. This was when it needed the glorious breath of fresh air that is Human Giant.

As for the troubled network’s “original” programming, the situation was no better. By 1995, a complete lack of viewership fomented the cancellation of MTV’s best programming, Yo! MTV Raps and Totally Pauly. The shows’ enormous budgets could no longer be sustained, and the network was forced to shift its focus to the growing popularity of entirely costless programming. In an unabashedly grotesque display of laziness, MTV chose to air unadulterated footage of life as it really is, a format that would never succeed in a society desperate for the plot, drama, and interpersonal strife that only writers can create. The Real World, the most egregious display of this laziness, had none of this; in fact, because it so precisely depicted day-to-day life as it actually is, it was like watching nothing at all. 1995 also marked the first season of Road Rules, which in fact did not rule, and sent MTV down one road only: the road to suckiness and unwatchability.

And that was the state of the MTV network for ten solid years. Only in recent years has MTV regained its stature as the best network on television, driven primarily by the immense popularity of Ashlee Simpson and the return of the script in the heralded Laguna Beach and Date My Mom. The fire that was lit by the Buggles back in 1981 burns once again, Human Giant merely kindling in its radiant glow. But you should totally watch anyway. April 5th. 10:30. Did I mention I’m in the pilot?

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“Lohan told Newsday that while he was in prison, he went to Bible college and became a minister with the Assemblies of God Ministry. ‘I want to help people,’ he said. ‘I don’t want them to fall into the same traps I did.'”

Michael Lohan is no longer just Lindsay’s father, he’s any number of Christians’ Father. I imagine under his guidance and tutelage, his parishioners will not only avoid “traps,” they’ll emerge from church as bouncy, red-headed, incredibly hot, coke-addicted party whores. OMG. Long Island RULES.

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