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Archive for the ‘News’ Category

As though to further prove the point that print media has shuffled off to obsolenscence, the New York Times reports today on the scourge plaguing modern Americans: toothbrushes whose ergonomic designs render them too girthy for their toothbrush holders.

Come on now.

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IMPORTANT NEWS OF THE DAY:
(Important news items are rated on a scale from 1-10, 1 representing “not important” and 10 representing “very important”….in case you’ve never seen a scale before.)

Campaign Reporters Don’t Care About Foreign Policy.
Seems reporters don’t think foreign policy distinctions between candidates is important leading to inadequate coverage of the subject. They should really rethink their priorities and GET ON THAT SHIT.
Importance: 10

Bestiality Leads to Man’s Death.

(Edit: This story took place in 2005. But I still find it relevant to today’s battle with animal fetishes.)

On a serious note, this proves bestiality should be outlawed. On a less serious note, many Catherine the Great jokes can be linked to this story. Okay, not many, just one. But a pretty noteworthy one.
Importance: 5

Luke From the O.C. to Appear on Desperate Housewives.
My favorite character from the O.C. is moving up in the world and into Wisteria Lane. While I’ve never been able to sit through a single episode of “Desperate Housewives,” knowing that (the O.C.’s) Marissa’s former troubled, yet somehow endearing, boyfriend is still getting work will allow me to sleep just a little bit sounder tonight.
Importance: 9 No, just kidding. Importance: 1

Where Was Brad Renfro’s Tribute Last Night?

Time constraints are to be blamed for Brad Renfro’s absence from the Oscar’s Tribute Montage. Bullshit. I don’t believe this. It’s clear no one in the editing room realized the large role Renfro played in the lives of countless teenage girls all over the country, most of whom at one point in their lives felt it was necessary to post at least one Tigerbeat pinup of Renfro on each of their bedroom walls ensuring full Renfro visibility at all times. Shame on you, Oscars.
Importance: 5

Life Imitates Art for “Once” Stars.
Not only did the “Once” cuties, Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova, take home an Oscar last night, but the two are dating in real life. Yay. However, Irglova is only 19 years old and Hansard is 37. Hmmmmm, sort of nayish. But not really, since “Once” is such a beautiful film, and how could anyone not fall in love with either one of these two?
Importance: 2

Elizabeth Hasselback Was a Nerd, and in a Serious Way.
This is what Elizabeth Hasselback used to look like. No wonder she’s so bitter.
Importance: -800

John McCain Fibs.
Even though we all know McCain only speaks the truth, Brave New Films has released a (pretty funny) video responding to his claims to be “the only candidate that the special interests don’t give money to.”


Importance: 9

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In this election season, it can be hard to get through all the shit people are saying about all the candidates and races and delegates and such and find out what ELSE is going on out there. IS anything else going on? Seems like… yes, maybe so.

1. Kosovo declares independence from Serbia. The US and UK, among others, have formally supported this declaration. Russia backs Serbia. Today there was an aggressive protest at the US embassy in Serbia by Serbians angry at US’s support for Kosovo’s cessation.

2. Zefron is totally not gay. The pretty faced musical theater performer loves American Idol, totally thinks Paula is a sweetheart. Does anyone like Paula besides gay men?

3. New US military command ‘Africom’ created.  Bush said…

…the new command, Africom, was to provide African states with military training and assistance so they could handle Africa’s problems better.

OK. If that’s what you want to say, that’s your right, Mr. Bush. I guess it’s tacky to be up front about the intelligence gathering and people watching that the ‘coms’ actually do.

4. Ivory Coasters discover the allure of big butts. They’ve got their own answer to Sir Mix-a-lot: DJ Mix and DJ Eloh, who’s song “Bobaraba” means “big bottoms.” Bottom enhancing treatments (which are maybe just vitamin B12?) in the form of creams and injections are sold for $2 a pop.

5. Stars like to pose naked as Marilyn Monroe. It’s not only LiLo’s steamy shoot (which apparently crashed the NY Mag server because it got so many hits). A ‘Marilyn Monroe expert’ (does Evergreen give a degree for that or something?) was fooled by an old nudie pic of Madonna, and thought it was Marilyn. He will hold a press conference, and probably masturbate.

6. The Beijing Games get (an even) worse reputation. Besides Spielberg dropping out of the games because of the Chinese government’s involvement with Darfur (old news), now somewhere between 14,000 and 1.25 million people are homeless because of the games. Apparently the first number is the people who were forced out of their homes to make room for the Olympic stadiums themselves. 1.25 million is the number of residents who had to skedaddle to make way for all the other construction needed to “make Beijing a more modern city for the Olympic games.” I don’t know where they’re being relocated to. Maybe Beijing has its own Wards Island?

7. Omar Sharif is racist, violent. In LA, Omar Sharif called a Guatamalan-born valet a “stupid Mexican,” then punched him in the face. Ew. He is so divorced from the M*A*S*H game in which me and him got married.

8. US Government blew up a shuttle.

9. People are worried (for good reason) that they will be what they eat.

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