The world can be a confusing place. Between words and pictures, pictures and words, how are we supposed to interpret everyday happenings? Well, fear not. Brooklyn Skeptic has employed the services of a certified Body Language Expert who is here to answer all of your questions about any given photo from the interweb.
First up? Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus’ “racy” sleepover photos (thank you, ns4w.org)
Brooklyn Skeptic: I’m totally confused. What on earth is going on here?
Body Language Expert: Just calm down there. What’s your first guess?
Brooklyn Skeptic: Well, I guess I’d say it has something to do with the zoo? Or maybe animal rights? That’s a giraffe in there, isn’t it?
Body Language Expert: Close. That’s called a zebra print, and Miss Cyrus is employing what we call a ‘do rag’ to cover her head. Body Language Expertise is all about making educated guesses (hypotheses) and so, being a professional, I’d say that a) Miss Cyrus is a recently married Orthodox Jewish woman who, by religious decree, must cover her head, b) Miss Cyrus has just learned that she was in fact adopted by Billy Ray and that her true parents are zebras, and she’s trying to commune with them, or c) she is covering a Britney-esque crazy-shave job.
Brooklyn Skeptic: Those all make so much sense! You’re amazing at this. What else?
Body Language Expert: Let’s take a look at those eyes. They’re the gateway to the soul, you know.
Brooklyn Skeptic: Soh-owl?
Body Language Expert: Well. Ahem. Anyway, Cyrus’s no-name friend is looking off to the side. This could indicate that she is slightly nervous, or uncomfortable. Her body is physically close to Cyrus, but her eyes are miles away. A more likely scenario, however, is that these kooky little girls dropped some acid earlier and she’s watching little green Shia LaBeoufs made out of marshmallow do a lurid dance.
Brooklyn Skeptic: Fascinating! That sounds delicious. What about the zebra Jew?
Body Language Expert: Well, those are alpha eyes if ever I saw them. Her direct eye contact with the camera says, “I know I’m sexy. I know you want me. Come and get me.” Think Rex Manning in Empire Records. Think Jennifer Biel in that Maxim shoot. Think Osama Bin Laden’s early videos. Or maybe she’s asserting her dominance over the camera and camera operator. If this were a live video we could expect to hear short puffs of air being expressed through her nostrils. Her zebra mommy and daddy would be so proud!
Her pursed lips are reminiscent of late-era Goldie Hawn – I think that they should probably be evaluated by a certified Plastic Surgery Expert, as they do not look capable of expressing any emotions other than ‘pouty gross inuendo.’
Brooklyn Skeptic: You’re a master! Finally, what about her fingers? Has she somehow developed carpool tuna syndrum?
Body Language Expert: You remind me of a young Prince Charles.
Body Language Expert: The hands of random girl are relaxed, indicating that she is in a relaxed state. Cyrus appears to be flashing some sort of gang symbol. My educated guess (hypothesis) is that she is referring to a secret known only by her and the camera operator – a plot to cut dead into the center of her friend’s chest and pluck out her heart. Her fingers are scissoring slowly but inexorably towards the breastplate, where by sheer force of will and an adamantium fingertip installed by Disney, she will pierce the bone and continue on to the gooey innards.
Brooklyn Skeptic: There you have it, dear readers! Send us your questions for the Body Language Expert and you’ll be curious no more!