Archive for the ‘Obituary’ Category

Dear God,

I am writing to request an immediate halt to your slaying of my childhood heartthrobs. While I understand that you have a certain job to do, and that includes striking mortal terror into our hearts, I really must insist that you leave the bonnie-visaged men of my youth unscathed.

It all started out last week when you shuffled Brad Renfro off this mortal coil.


Brad Renfro was a child actor and one of the first boys I knew to be “hot.” Of course, I was too young at the time to have loins, so this knowledge was imparted to me by friends, rather than my drive to reproduce. Nevertheless, I’ve been a devotee of his work since growing ovaries. He was in my favorite movie:


But today, God, you further broke my heart by robbing the world of the stunningly handsome, painfully talented Heath Ledger. He died this afternoon under (currently) murky circumstances – in Mary-Kate Olsen’s apartment, no less. I was shaken earlier this year by his unexpected departure from Brooklyn, following his separation with his wife, Michelle Williams. But really, this is too much.

When my teenage heart first went a-flutter:

And when my grown-up heart pretty much fell out of its heart-hole (or “chest” if you’re a doctor):



So, God, I really must insist that you stop killing all these men. They are important to me.

Respectfully and fearfully,



Update: Gawker disagrees with the NY Times about Heath Ledger kicking the bucket in an Olsen’s apartment. Let it be known there is some controversy on the subject.

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Just read this whole recipe first. It’s a lot of steps but its not that much work. Better for two people to do it: one takes care of steak and one takes care of fries. You can conveniently execute this recipe on a small Brooklyn sized grill.

Necessary Jive :

Grill or Cast Iron Pan or (Oiled)

Strip Steaks (one per person or one for two if squeamish)
Unsalted Butter
Fresh Tarragon
Lemon Juice

Idaho Potatoes
Two cloves Garlic
Kosher Salt

1. Get yo’ steaks to room temperature and get that butter soft.
2. Chop up tarragon, combine with butter and tablespoon of lemon juice. Mix with butter.
3. Now, place mixed butter in saran wrap and make a log, place in freezer.
4. Cut up your fries and place in a cold bowl of water with ice cubes.
5. Now, pre-heat your grill pan or grill. Oil it so meat wont stick. On the stovetop, heat about 3-4 inches of oil in a deep pot. Here you really should use an oil thermometer and you should have one, cuz for proper frying this oil should be at 360 degrees F. If it’s cooler than that, you’re wasting your time but hey, dip a finger and take a chance. (Wait, don’t do that).
6. Place two cloves of garlic in the warming up oil and take em out before its hot enuf to put fries in.
7. Now with oil super hot, drop in a first batch o’ fries. Don’t overcrowd, or it will suck suck suck. Just a handful at a time. Get someone else to tend to the fries while you do the steak, as they will need to removed from the oil when they are nice and brown using tongs or a slotted spoon. Put the fries on a rack to drain, preferably, or on a cloth napkin in a bowl and toss around. Throw some plates in the oven to get ’em hot. Keep the done fries in the oven as well.
8. Ok, now the steak. With a 1-1.5 inch steak you want about 3 mins a side for rare, 4 mins for med rare and leave it on forever if you want more than that. Just imagine the heat first searing the edge and then penetrating the meat. You definitely do not want to cook each side for more than 4 minutes in my opinion. Make sure to use tongs and don’t pierce the damn thing. 9. Now let the steak REST. For 2-3 minutes preferably in a warm oven on a hot ass plate or covered in foil.
10. If you are slicing it up, place on cutting board and SLICE ACROSS THE GRAIN. That means slice it perpendicular to the little streaks you see running across the surface of the steak.
11. Cut a round of the now hard butter and place it on top of the steak and let melt. Mmmmmm. Go get your fries.
Serve everything as HOT as you can! Realistically it will take you some tries to get this one efficient, but its f&*% rewarding when you’ve done it a couple times.

Look for more recipe ideas you can rip off as your own at www.chezjjp.com!

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As Recklesley and the rest of humanity celebrates the transition of Daniel Radcliffe (and his alter ego Harry Potter) from boyhood to stud muffin, a select group of honest and brave academics are taking up the story that the mainstream media chooses not to cover, and JK Rowling’s naive readers do not wish to hear. Much like the brave Xenophilius Lovegood, Tison Pugh and David L. Wallace are breaking the story which may well save our lives in their article, “Heteronormative Heroism and Queering the School Story in J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter Series.” Although Pugh and Wallace find many admirable things to say about the Harry Potter series, such as the post-feminist landscape the book conjures for young children, they also worry about Harry’s tendency to fall back on heteronormative ideals of heroism. In case you didn’t attend a crazy liberal undergraduate institution, this basically means every time Harry wants to be strong and ditch Hermione and Ron to pursue Voldemort, he is breaking with the thematic structure of the book that celebrates difference and aberration to return to his caveman roots. This has severe implications:

“The danger of heteronormative heroism in the Harry Potter books is that it potentially reinscribes the problematic heterosexual/homosexual binary that critics such as Michel Foucault, Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick, and Jonathan Ned Katz identify as both policing desires and the identities constructed around those desires. This binary serves not only to stigmatize homosexuality and other expressions of sexual queerness; it also contributes to a concept of masculinity that marginalizes women and narrows the range of socially acceptable behaviors for men in ways that work to the detriment of all humanity.”

For those still in the dark about what this actually means, and what tangible impact it can have on your life, Eve Sedgwick makes the argument simpler, “Finally, this attempt to write a pure space where sexual deviancy does not exist will always result in a universal omnicide.”

Your scar going to get us out of this, Harry?


Speaking of jerks, the free market isn’t helping things either.

The elevation of the family to ideological preeminence guarantees that a capitalist society will reproduce not just children, but heterosexism and homophobia.”

– John D’Emilio

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Mr. Wizard

It is with deep sadness that we regret to announce the passing of Don Herbert – the one and only “Mr. Wizard”. I loved Mr. Wizard. He spawned a whole genre of lovable science shows like Bill Nye and (wannabe) Beekman’s Lab. He was like the Mr. Rogers of science. He will be missed.

Bill Nye beakman.jpg

true love. true lame.

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More working, less coke. More mani-pedis, less passing out in cars. More red carpets, less vomiting in plants. More Hilary Duff, less Paris Hilton. More rehab, less knife fights.


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Okay, I really love Lindsay Lohan. She has very shiny hair. She was awesome in Mean Girls and Freaky Friday. She drinks like a scruffy Irishman.

But she is dumb and her dumbness is going to be her downfall. This weekend, Miss Lohan was in her third car accident in two years. For the record, that’s a lot. But wait. More stupidity:

1. It was a single car accident, which means that a curb duped her. Not even a moving object.
2. She was drunk (allegedly – she has to answer those charges in August). And yes, she was in rehab earlier this year.
3. She had some cocaine in the car with her. Again, rehab. This year.

Additional things to consider in the realm of the Lohan.

1. She was drunk and she’s 20: illegal.
2. She was drunk and driving: illegal and incredibly dangerous.
3. She had cocaine!

I’m just saying, why is she not in jail? Why wasn’t she arrested? Why wasn’t her license suspended? Why didn’t she get a ticket? What the fuck is going on here?

It’s not that I want her to be in jail, because I love her and her wacky antics. I don’t care if she’s doing more coke than David Bowie in ’71 and I don’t care if she’s drinking until she’s puking up a spaghetti dinner she ate when she was 12. But she’s just being reckless now. There were other people in her car and other people driving in general. Take her license away and get the bitch a driver. She’s rich.

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“Lohan told Newsday that while he was in prison, he went to Bible college and became a minister with the Assemblies of God Ministry. ‘I want to help people,’ he said. ‘I don’t want them to fall into the same traps I did.'”

Michael Lohan is no longer just Lindsay’s father, he’s any number of Christians’ Father. I imagine under his guidance and tutelage, his parishioners will not only avoid “traps,” they’ll emerge from church as bouncy, red-headed, incredibly hot, coke-addicted party whores. OMG. Long Island RULES.

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Tori Spelling just gave birth to a baby boy. I wonder if he’s going to inherit any of Tori’s original features.

Lindsay Lohan’s father was just released from prison. Good. We need more Lohan drama.

Apparently Tom Brady has impregnated not one, but two women. One of which is Gisele Bundchen. Damn, Tom. Have you ever heard of birth control? And, way to go!

Britney Spears apparently has a new boyfriend. He’s a rocker. They met at Alcoholics Anonymous. Sweet. He wants to save her. And help her pick out a new wig.

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Britney, Britney, Britney. I don’t think I can express the depths of America’s sadness when we heard that on February 16th, your hair/sanity passed on. We are truly sorry for your loss, but more so for ours.

You were America’s sweetheart. You wore vinyl jumpsuits, school girl outfits, no underpants, and Justin Timberlake. In short, you were everything we wished we could be. You embodied the dreams of a nation. Your hair/sanity was taken – at your own hands, no less – far too soon.

In recent months, we should have known that something was wrong. Your hair color kept changing and you kept claiming to love K-Fed. It didn’t feel right at the time, but we couldn’t fathom the depths of this kind of depravity. Sure, there are lots of brunettes and all young women chose the wrong guy from time to time. But no, we never should have made excuses for you. It is our fault as much as yours.

I know we were all excited when you dropped Fed-Ex and started partying with Hollywood’s elite – Lohan and Paris. We thought this meant that you were ready to reclaim your throne, making mid-western mothers worry for their 8-year-old daughters’ chastity again. Sometimes you would turn blond again and we were filled with such hope. Oh, Britney. We were fools.

Here we stand now, with your hair/sanity but soothing memory, and we wonder how we will go on.

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Anna Nicole Smith taught us something yesterday: Life’s a bitch and then you die. We’ll miss your wet-suit clad body on our subway TrimSpa ads, Anna Nicole.

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