Archive for the ‘Shopping’ Category

Besides watching failed movie attempts by my erstwhile childhood tv shows, another important activity to keep me busy during long days In The Closet is NY Mag’s Shop-A-Matic. Now it has set its sight on VD, and I, my sights on a few of the specific gifts within.

Their first suggestion:


Sexy! Paddles that will leave your beloved’s posterior emblazoned with hearts. Spank your way to seduction. Oddly, they are being sold as ‘stencils’ by Crate & Barrel. What? Well, that’s OK. At $4 for a pack of 3, it is probably the cheapest item at Crate & Barrel AND way cheaper than anything you’d find at a sex shop.

Moving on…things get real bad real fast.


For $50 you can buy your beloved $6 worth of crap. Did Moschino shoplift this from Claire’s? Because I can relate. I have not not ever shoplifted a set of 4 hoop earrings of various sizes from Claire’s.


Now, I can speak from personal experience on this one. A shirt that says, in public, what you and your beloved say in private is…. not that good of an idea. This shirt is more stupid looking than most other shirts on the market today.


This is one of my favorites not because it’s a relatively cute babydoll, but because of it’s name. It’s called “Ephemeral Promises.” That’s like, the name of the design. I feel like nothing will ruin a romantic evening/relationship/war abroad like promises that were ephemeral. Oh baby, you thought I promised to love and cherish you? That promise is so…. you get the picture. It also really makes me think about young, conservative Christian couples struggling to hang onto their virginity. Who are those ephemeral promises to? But anyway. Too much Savage Love is making me think about conservative Christian teens TOO OFTEN.

Ahem. Moving on!


These belts are stupid looking. And not even in style! But I include them because of their absurd price. $110. Um, have these people ever been to Hot Topic?

Some of us are lucky enough to have friends whose names rhyme with shmeckbesbee who perhaps used to work at Shmot Shmopic and perhaps scored us a white studded belt on a discount. A discount from the full price. Which was decidedly NOT $110.


OK, finally, we come to an ugly, overpriced slipper. Though, I guess, what does a Playboy Bunny get for the man who has everything? I could definitely see Hef rolling in these badboys. The writing on your shoes/feet as seen from above is an appealing concept. Miranda July did it in “Me, You, and Everyone We Know.” Below, my friend Nick, a talented photographer, does it even better:


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While perusing Park Slope’s trendy 5th Avenue strip yesterday, I stumbled across these little beauties:


Um, OK, Lucia, are you serious? Did 12 year-old me suddenly get caught in a time-space gap where she (I) is (am) now in charge of creating overpriced bracelets? Did 14 year-old me stumble into the role of buyer for your store?

How else do we explain this? It is a) the fugliest leather cuff this side of Constantine, and b) $125!!

Unless 12 year-old Elijah Wood has suddenly appeared, fresh off of his successes with North and a wad of cash burning a hole in his pocket, to whom do you expect to sell these fugles?


Even I will not buy those.



 I will!

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