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Oh my god, this show is so bad. Did you watch it? Because I did. And I want my money back. I want NBC to reimburse me for my hour that is now forever lost.

I know “Quarterlife” doesn’t deserve any attention, but you know when something is so bad you have to talk about it? This is how I feel about “Quarterlife.” Hence, I will briefly go over the main points of the soon to be defunct show.

The protagonist, Dylan (a girl), exposes her roommates’ secrets on her video blog and something shocking happens, they find out. Chaos ensues.

Apparently while attending college Dylan lived in a closet, preventing her from ever witnessing the consequential shitstorm that occurs after someone discovers their roommate complains about them on their livejournal, I mean blog. Otherwise her naivety wouldn’t have her thinking no one reads or, I guess in her case, watches her blog. Anyway, this is basically what we, the viewers, find out from Dylan’s rantings:

Danny and Deborah are a couple.

Deborah and Danny

But Jed is in love with Deborah.

Jed

But Dylan is in love with Jed.

Dylan

But Andy wants to sleep with Dylan.

Andy

And no one cares about the slutty alcoholic actress.

Lisa

That’s basically it. The entire series. Right there.

I know you’re thinking that there must be at least one redeemable aspect of the show. Like the dialogue. Maybe the dialogue makes up for .25life’s bad plot lines. Well, I’ll let you be the judge of that.

[Here’s a playful scene between Jed and Deb where they’re throwing some disgusting mayonnaise at each other. Remember, Jed wants to share his life with Deb. And now Deb knows this. But she’s with Danny. So things are awkward. Enjoy.]

Deb: YOU are disgusting
Jed: I’m disgusting?
Deb: Yes.
Deb: You disgust me.
Jed: Well you know what, YOU disgust ME.
Deb: I do?
Jed: Absolutely.
(pause)
Deb: Why do I disgust you?
Jed: You don’t disgust me.
Deb: Then why did you say I disgust you?
Jed: Because I always speak in opposites.
Deb: So, I don’t disgust you?
Jed: No.
(pause)
Jed: You fill me with….
(pause)
Deb: With what?
(pause)
Jed: Longing.

Deb: Oh, Jed.
Jed: Shut up, Debra.
Deb: I can’t shut up.
Jed: I don’t want you to.
Deb: You don’t?
Jed: I love your voice too much.

SO good. I wonder if this script was written during the writer’s strike, so NBC sought out someone random to write this scene. And that random person was me. In 6th grade. Because these lines are eerily similar to a scene of a play I wrote with a friend in junior high. I’m just saying. I no longer keep in touch with this person, and she has the original copy.

But seriously. NBC? Directors? Producers? Did you not see the show before it aired? When shooting did you not think to yourself, “Maybe we should rethink some of these lines, and the overall plot. Because, I’m just going to put it out there, this show sucks.”

I simply don’t understand. WHY ARE YOU SO BAD, “QUARTERLIFE”?

Oh well. On the upside, this frees up one more hour a week on my DVR. Which I need. To make room for all those IFC movies I intend to record but will never watch.

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NBC premieres its new series, “Quarterlife,” tonight at 10p.m. I’m hooked already. It’s produced by the same people who brought us “My So-Called Life” and “thirtysomething.” Wonderful.

Not much is known about “Quarterlife,” but given its title and its producers, I think we can make the assumption that this series will include one super hot guy, one nerd, a smart female, a hot chick who may be battling a learning disability, and a whole lot of angst. However, judging from the photo below, this initial character analysis may be off…or completely on point. Let’s find out, shall we?

The Cast

Well, it’s obvious who the “nerd” is. However, I think we all know this man is no nerd. He is a hipster. He’s sad though. He cannot look at the camera. Don’t stare at him; he wants to be left alone.

The other two male characters, well, they make me think no “super hot guy” exists on this show after all. Unless…it’s that man in the middle? The one gazing directly into our eyes? He who does not shy away from eye contact is considered confident and is therefore, successful with women. So, are we together here? By process of elimination, man in middle = hot one?

I’d prefer avoiding discussion of the final guy altogether, but it is my duty to unjustly characterize everyone in this photo. So, let me begin by criticizing his off centered sweatshirt that edges on Jennifer Beals territory, and how it makes me uncomfortable. Fix your shirt, man. You look weak. Amplifying these awkward feelings (felt by me)– his yearning over the female next to him. This is reminiscent of Brian Krakow’s unrequited affection for Angela. I could barely deal with a 15 year-old Krakow, I do not want to know the pain of witnessing him at 25.

Now, the women. Starting from the left, this girl looks like she has dealt with an eating disorder at some point. She went to rehab, and is slowly coming to accept herself and her looks. She hides behind her long, hippie-esque hair and is unsure of her place in life. She needs guidance. I want to help her.

Blondie looks fun. But also looks like she might take herself too seriously. (White cardigans are a telltale sign of uptight behavior.) However, She enjoys drinking with her girlfriends and can laugh at a good joke. Until a quip is made about her rich background. She finds no humor in jokes about money or, her idol, Kate Hudson.

Then we have a smart, laid back, anxious about life, beautiful brunette disguised in a raggedy sweatshirt and old (navy) jeans. While attending a prestigious college she thought the world was her oyster, but once thrust into the real world after graduation she comes to the hard realization that no amount of schooling can prepare you for this thing we call…life. Hence, we will watch her character progress from a self doubting 20-something afraid of failure, to a successful professional at an established publishing firm.

Okay, seriously, I have no idea what this show is about. But there are six characters, all around the age of 25, who I think live in Southern California. I doubt this show will make it past its first season. Shows revolving around post-college adults rarely last. I’m sure it has to do with no one from an older crowd being interested in reliving those first couple years out of college, since most of us spent that time either confused or clinically depressed. And the younger crowd just want to watch shows like “Gossip Girl.” And I can’t blame them for that, since “Gossip Girl” is the BEST SHOW ON TELEVISION, EVER.

I’m still tuning in tonight, though.

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Apparently NBC’s “Heroes” is being beat out in the ratings by a number of other shows that share its current Monday 9p.m. time slot. This is strange because:

1) “Heroes” is an excellent show.
2) Who doesn’t love a show about super human powers? No one.
3) This means America is opting to watch these guys

instead of these hunks:

Lame. Seriously though, what “Two and a Half Men?” Why are you a show, and why are you on like four times a day now? And why do I secretly watch you when nothing else is on TV?

Anyway, being that there’s a writer’s strike and all, I thought this might be a good time to introduce the “Heroes” characters to anyone ignoring this diamond of a show. This way you can get all excited and pumped up for new episodes until you realize that the strike has halted production on the show indefinitely. OR you will realize this writer’s strike allows you the chance to catch up on past episodes prepping you for when new episodes air again. It’s a win/win situation.

I will begin my character/show review by stating the show’s main plot– pretty much evil powers are trying to destroy the world, and these heroes must ban together to prevent such disasters from taking place. However, it should be noted that within this main plot line are about 30 subplots. Some may have a problem with this, but I do not. Multiple subplots shouldn’t bother anyone suffering from a little disease I like to call Attention Deficit Disorder. And as we all know, most of America has self diagnosed themselves with this condition. But “Heroes” is perfect for A.D.D.-ers since as soon as our attention starts to inevitably stray, a new scene begins and we’re like, “Oh shit, what? A man is fighting with his wife’s doppelganger. I better pay attention.” And we do, because we’re interested in where the scene will go. (I took a liberty here by using “we” in the preceding sentence but, I mean, come on. The only reason why you might disagree with me in thinking that your attention is not always focused is because you’re currently on Adderall.)

Now, for the characters:

Peter Petrelli

Peter can adapt to any of the heroes’ powers, meaning if he encounters a hero that can fly, boom, he’s soaring in the sky. Awesome, right? Wrong. This power has plagued Peter in certain instances, like the time he developed the ability to become radioactive. Not the most attractive quality in a product, let alone a human being. But to give you an idea of Peter’s awesome strength, some of the powers he’s been able to call his own over the first season include but are not limited to regenerating body parts after injury (think Wolverine), making fire with his hands, breaking the space/time continuum, becoming invisible, walking through walls, and all sorts of other neat/sometimes awful stuff.

Peter’s pretty much the glue of the series, mainly because if you have 1000 powers, you’re pretty important. But also, he is a genuinely good human being and used to be a male nurse (murse) which means he’s caring. This is imperative, as the most powerful human being on earth shouldn’t be evil.

Nathan Petrelli

Nathan is Peter’s brother. He can fly and is married to a Dixie Chick in real life. That’s all you really need to know about him.

Hiro Nakamura

Hiro is in my opinion the best character on the show. He is an adorable little man and the love in his heart knows no bounds. He’s great. Hiro can break the space/time continuum, hence he can stop time, go back in time, head out to the future, et cets. Basically he’s been able to achieve my dream.

Claire Bennet

Claire (Hayden Panettierre) can regenerate any part of her body, therefore she cannot be killed. She is, how you say, indestructible. She’s also a cheerleader and a hot blonde babe. But more importantly, she’s rumored to be dating the guy who plays Peter Petrelli (Milo Ventigmilia) in real life. This is disturbing because a) Milo is 30 and Hayden is like, 11 and b) Milo plays Hayden’s uncle on the show. But if it makes you feel any better, there is a video circulating the internet of Hayden attempting to save some dolphins from being slaughtered in Japan. So pretty much it’s as though Hayden’s an extension of yourself since, I’m assuming, you actively take part in saving dolphins by purchasing dolphin safe tuna. Therefore, we cannot judge Hayden. We can however, judge Milo.

Noah Bennet

Noah is Claire’s adoptive father and is sometimes referred to as “the man with the horn-rimmed glasses,” already he has the hipsters’ attention. [Spoiler] He used to work for an evil agency (I think?) but is not evil anymore (maybe?). This character is confusing. Noah was once bad, but then was good, and now seems a little bit crazy. His character has many layers. Like a shallot.

Matt Parkman

Matt’s ability is he reads minds. Similiar to Mel Gibson’s character in “What Women Want” only he can listen in on anyone’s thoughts, not just the ladies. I like Matt. Sometimes he uses his power to cheat, an example being when he read minds while taking a test instead of, say, studying really hard. But he just wants to succeed in life. You know, be good at something. So just give the guy a break. Maybe he has A.D.D.

Sidenote: The man who plays Matt used to be on “Felicity” and is a current spokesperson for Weight Watchers.

Niki Sanders

Niki’s power doesn’t so much qualify as a “heroic quality” as it does a burden. From time to time Niki’s dead sister takes over her body and kills people. I think the scientific name for this is called Multiple Personality Disorder/murderer. If you ask me, Niki’s sort of like the Gollum and Smiegel of the show. But that’s just me. Niki’s good people though. Don’t hate.

Micah Sanders

Micah’s Niki’s son. He’s a human hacker who can hack into anything, including ATMs, with the use of just his hands. As in, if he puts his hand up to an ATM machine, money will come flowing out. (Note to self: try to establish Micah’s power.) Also, you may or may not be interested to know that the actor who plays Micah is actually a child genius. He’s a piano prodigy. About five years ago he played for Oprah on her syndicated talk show. So…yeah. He plays piano well.

Maya Herrera

Okay, Maya. Maya was introduced as a new character in Season Two. Seems her power is that she kills everyone around her whenever she gets angry. It’s pretty intense. Her eyes become like black marbles, oozing out blood, and subsequently everyone around her drops dead. I can’t say I fully support this character, as black eyeballs give me nightmares. She also makes dumb decisions which I’m never a fan of.

Mohinder Suresh

Mohinder is the series’ narrator. He possesses no heroic strengths, however it was his father’s mission to find out where these heroes came from and help them work through the fact that they’re different. Unfortunately Mohinder’s father was murdered and therefore his life’s work came to an abrubt end. That is until Mohinder took over for him.

Sylar

Slyar is Heroes’ main villain. While he’s not a born “hero,” he has figured out a way to make himself into one. Sylar cuts out the brains of those with special skills, i.e. he kills them, and I guess takes out the “hero” brain parts and puts them into his head? I’m not sure how it works, or how he adopts peoples’ powers, but he does. And it’s very scary. He wants the world to end. I’m thinking he has some depression issues.

Well, there you have it. An amazingly in depth summary of 11 of the five billion “Heroes” characters. I’m sure you feel like you’ve just watched all 26 episodes. I left out some people, since there are way too many to go over. But believe me, I touched upon the important ones. Trust.

Trust.

PS. If you have any questions, please refer to the internet, or ask me about them in person. (I’ve had enough of typing!)

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