So even though I don’t have one, I love TV. Obviously. I would not be who I am today if not for TV. None of us would.
Banksy loves TV too.
But as hard as I try to embrace technology as it infiltrates my simple life, sometimes I encounter a situation that makes it hard to unabashedly embrace the boob (tube, that is).
This morning I went to the dentist. In their lobby they have a huge flat screen that is always showing vivid undersea explorations set to Enya, with informational captions at the bottom of the screen. After I was treated to the sperm ejections of a giant clam, I was called into the dentist’s office.
For some deeply ironic reason, since I stopped eating most processed sugar products this year, I have gotten LOADS of cavities. Damn natural licorice always gets caught in my teeth. Ew. No. But really. Lots of cavities. So in this, my final and certainly not first trip-to-get-fillings this year, I came prepared.
I said, “Hey dentist lady, I am going to put on my iPod so you can do whatever you want with the TV.”
That’s right, because there’s a TV in the examining room too! Now, I know that might seem like a great idea, but remember what it’s like to be in the dentist’s chair? That goddamn light in your eyes? You can’t see shit except the neck hair of your good doctor. But you can hear the dulcet tones of Christmas commercials, the golden retriever puppies playing over the Dirt Devils as they throb in time to your Novocained gum.
So okay, whatever, she didn’t turn it off. I don’t care. I am content listening to Ira Glass recount various tales of this lovely country of ours. I close my eyes.
And every now and then, I open them again. In my peripheral I see tools and devices sticking out of my mouth, the aide wielding that filling-dryer that may or may not project toxic light? The staff puts on protective goggles but I lay vulnerable on the other end. Do I see their eyes, reassuring and steady, guiding these potentially dangerous materials around my delicate oral orifice?
Um, no. I see the sides of their slack jaws as they STARE up at the TV! I know it’s hard to look away! It’s impossible even! But you know what? They used to think that repairing a tooth was impossible and the only way to get rid of a cavity was to yank the whole thing out! And we’ve progressed away from there. So I am here to stand up and say NO! It is NOT impossible to look away from the TV, especially if your JOB is to be facing in literally the OPPOSITE direction, pointing DRILLS and NEEDLES into my mouth!
Seriously? You seriously were watching TV when you were supposed to be filling my cavities? If you can’t look away then TURN IT THE FUCK OFF!