Archive for the ‘Mets’ Category

Now that some time has passed and I’ve taken the proverbial gun out of my proverbial mouth, I’ve started to be able to once again find the good things in every day life. And even though the Mets handed themselves a historically unprecedented tushie-flop out of the playoffs over the last three weeks of the season, September baseball has provided Mets fans with a few things to smile about and a few reasons to continue believing that God, despite it all, continues to be a Mets fan.

I’ll start with the smaller of two miracles which God sent down to cheer up Mets fans in our worst time of mourning since the “let’s trade Scott Kazmir for Victor Zambrano” years. This minor miracle was the putrid, wretched, butt-hole flavored Philadelphia Phillies getting absolutely destroyed in the first round of the playoffs.

This is not really a miracle…the miraculous part is that their unsightly demise came at the hands of another blunder from the post-Bobby Valentine, pre-Omar Minaya era, Mets outcast Kaz Matsui (now the second baseman for the Colorado Rockies). Representing the first thing he’s ever given Mets fans to be happy about, Kaz buried the Phillies with a double, a triple and a GRAND SLAM…and that was all just in Game 2! Overall, he batted .412 with 6 RBIs in the 3-game series (in his career with the Mets he batted .256). Way to go, you adorable, over-priced jerk.

And then of course there’s our old cross-town rivals the Yankees. Now, I don’t hate the Yankees like some other Mets fans do (the “FUCK THE YANKEES” chants are one of my biggest Shea Stadium pet-peeves…but I’ll save my explanation for another off-season post). My interest in the Yankees’ post-season woes has more to do with the religious references I’ve been making.

For anyone who hasn’t heard, one of the reasons the Yankees lost their series against the Cleveland Indians, is that in their second game of the series, up by a score of 1-0 in the 8th inning with arguably their best pitcher (Joba Chamberlain) on the mound, the Yankees were attacked by a swarm of insects.


WHAT?! Are you kidding me? How can that be real? With the exception of a dove flying in the path of a 100-mph Randy Johnson fastball and EXPLODING and a goose flying into Fabio’s face, I have never heard of a more outrageous animal-related baseball vs. universe freakout in my life (p.s. – I know Fabio’s not a baseball player, but come on, whose day doesn’t get a little brighter remembering that this happened?)

So, yes, apparently the Cleveland Indians and a few Mets and Red Sox fans spoke to a burning bush and, like the tyrannical Pharoah before them, the Yankees were swarmed by a plague of locusts (or something).

So that’s it. See ya later Joe Torre (you’re welcome to become Willie Randolph’s bench coach, in my book). Have a nice retirement, Roger Clemens. Enjoy your money-bin and transvestite prostitutes, A-Rod (what? Yes, I said it.)

The Mets’ season may have ended with a historic collapse, but at least it wasn’t Biblical. Yikes.


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Even though it was devastating to get kicked out of the post-season, the Mets got a little comeuppance this week when God himself rained fire and brimstone upon the Yankees.


This game, it was insane to watch. Shortly after the flood lights turned on to illuminate a game I couldn’t possibly have cared less about, these disgusting little bugs – “Canadian Soldiers,” according to the announcer – invaded the field. There were millions of them. It looked like it was snowing. Joba Chamberlain, who I hear is generally unflappable, pretty much lost his mind while a layer of bugs landed and remained on his face, neck and hat. Sitting inside, watching on HD, my skin was crawling. Not even a Yankee deserves that.

But anyway, not that that game was related to the Mets at all, but I think that was just God’s way of expressing displeasure at the state of Major League Baseball in which the Mets could fail so miserably.

Undisputed winner: Off! Bug Repellent. I’ve never seen so much free advertising in my life.

Undisputed loser: The Yankees. But even though I hate them, they probably would have won without the bugs.

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Mets Update for Heartbreak


Interpretive sports reporting over at Mets Update for Girls: How the Mets losing their chance for post-season glory is a lot like your oafish boyfriend accidentally murdering your cat.

Read more here.

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I don’t know what’s worse: the pain in my heart or the pain in his wrist.


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Steroids have been and will continue to be a dominant story in professional sports for the rest of time. Cheaters will always cheat for as long as they can possibly get away with it. And we will continue to let them, even when the evidence is right before our eyes, as long as they keep helping our team win.

got juice?

As much as I’d love to get up on a soapbox and preach about the sanctity of sports in our culture and how cheating undermines everything we honest Americans stand for, I’m actually here to tell a player to start using steroids. Re-start, actually.

Very shortly after he was signed to the Mets last season, Guillermo Mota tested positive for steroids and served a 50-game suspension. When he came back this season, his teammates and Mets fans were supportive. Everyone deserves a second chance right?


As long as they don’t fucking blow it every single time they step on the mound like this worthless pile of doodie, Guillermo Mota.

Now I would LOVE it if the Mets could just send this guy packing…but he’s signed to a contract, and no-mufuckin-body else is gonna want his worthless ass. So, as we head into the post-season with no options for what to do with this terrible terrible pitcher, we Mets fans must cling on to one last hope…



I’m on it…

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For a long time, I feared the day when Shea Stadium would close forever and in its place, a hulking corporate-sponsored ball field would rise from the ashen depths of Flushing Meadows. But now I’ve accepted that there is no choice. Citi Field will rain obscene luxury upon us and Shea will be pulverized and sold for scrap to Mets enthusiasts and recycled lumber wholesalers.

Something I learned today, though, has actually allowed me to look forward to the quickening of time between now and Shea’s last day on this wretched earth: Billy Joel will be the final performer to hold a concert at the stadium. And yo – it will be a doozie. The dates and number of performances have yet to be determined. Some of you might know that Billy Joel holds the record for the most number of sold-out shows in a single run at Madison Square Garden. That was 12 shows. So I’m hoping for at least 13 shows so that every Piano Man Fan can crawl through the bridges and over the tunnels to catch a night of this historic event.


I like him even more than Reyes.

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Though they were a little late to the game, I was happy to read the Village Voice giving press to the short “I’m Keith Hernandez,” whose street art/t-shirt marketing campaign is notably aesthetically pleasing.

In answer to the question, “if you want people to watch your film, why don’t you post it on youtube?” creator and ‘stache-lover Robert Perri explains that he wants his film to be like the Jerky Boys tape of yore, an illicit piece of swarthy love that travels sticky hand-to-sticky hand.

Check it out here. Check out all the Mets Updates here.

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Hey! Next Wednesday (8/29) they will be screening a Mets vs. Phillies game at the Ziegfeld Movie Theater on 54th St. (btwn 6th and 7th). $10 admission.

I know it’s not everyone’s favorite idea to pay $10 to watch something that they can watch for free at a bar, and that a $6 soda is not nearly as cool as a $4 beer, but peep this…with each person’s $10 admission, you get two tickets to see the Mets vs. the Braves in September! That’s an $18 value!

Now, to all you new Metropolitans fans, if you joined the party last year you may not realize just what games against the Phillies and Braves really mean this time of year. After all, by this time last year the Mets had like a 13 game lead on the other guys and were a sure thing lock to make the playoffs. This year, however, is shaping up a lot more like most years, where even though the Mets are in first place now, the two teams behind them (the Braves and the Girl-Horses) are within striking distance. Basically, if these two teams beat the Mets in their upcoming series (we have 2 series left against each team), the Mets are F-ed. Beating other teams is cool, but beating the Braves (which the Mets have had a REALLY hard time doing this year) and the little-baby-girl-horsie-poopsy-woopsies…is absolutely essential.

So let’s go watch the Mets beat the shit out of the Phillies on a huge screen while eating Junior Mints and packing our winter-clothes to go to Shea and watch them beat the shit out of the Braves in September! YEAH!!!

Oh yeah…and this guy’s gonna be there.


But he’s not allowed the bring any friends

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From Mets Update for Girls: Jose Reyes is hocking Wise chips like somebody’s grandma hocking homemade potholders at the church craft fair while Endy Chavez is shilling low-fat dairy products like Michael Pollan shills for a local, biodiverse diet. Read more here.

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240971236_b5ba188461.jpgFrom Mets Update for Girls: As if their tight pants weren’t enough, the Mets PR department apparently took a cue from the Renegade Craft Fair. Read more.

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