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Archive for the ‘Idiot’ Category

“Details” magazine’s, um, blog recently interviewed everyone’s favorite 90s has-been: Fabio. Well, I suppose he isn’t so much of a has-been as say, an idiot. He was, after all, featured on an episode of “America’s Next Top Model” a few seasons ago, so he isn’t completely out of the media realm. Or, as it turns out, out of modeling work. Either way, the Fabster apparently has a lot to say about his past work, his unwavering respect towards women, and the difficult time he has finding true love. It’s really interesting. He’s really smart.

The interview begins:

He’s wearing cowboy boots, jeans, and a leather shirt unbuttoned to his navel. The hair is stringier than it looks on the covers of romance novels. The eyebrows are bushy, the green-blue eyes sparkly, and the teeth inside the thin-lipped mouth capped. His chest is waxed and his pectoral muscles are bulging. He looks like a muscular, anthropomorphic ostrich wearing a Jennifer Aniston wig.

This sounds like an accurate description, exactly how I would imagine Fabio to look in person. Right on the nose. I wasn’t aware leather shirts existed, but if there’s one person to prove me wrong on this theory, it’s Fabio. Also, I can’t tell you what a huge fan I am of shirts unbuttoned to the navel. It’s really classy. Classy like a camel toe. It’s just nice to look at.

While being interviewed, Fabio makes it known that he is regularly offered spots in reality shows based around Z-list celebrities, such as “Dancing with the Stars” and “The Surreal Life.” He turns them down, though. The man, in case you weren’t aware, has a lot, and I mean A LOT of pride.

“I was using the industry,” says Fabio, now 48. “I used the fashion industry, the whole business, for money, for chicks, for a lifestyle. But I never let them use me. And now they think I’m still desperate for a job, for work. Like I’ll do anything. I don’t care if I’m never on TV again.”

I can see where Fabio is coming from. With guest appearances on television shows like, “Step by Step” and a small part in the straight to DVD motion picture “Exorcist III: Legion” it would be ridiculous for me to think of this man as being anything but picky. He is not willing to compromise his integrity, and I find this admirable.

Not surprisingly Fabio also has a deep respect for females. If F witnesses a man putting down a woman, he has no qualms beating this person to a pulp, even if this man is George Clooney:

[Fabio] barged back into the gossip columns last fall because of a near throwdown with George Clooney at a Beverly Hills restaurant. “This guy, he ate more than he could chew,” Fabio says. According to Fabio, Clooney called his dinner companions—who’d won the date at a charity auction benefiting the California Highway Patrol—names. “Bitches, even badder words,” he recalls. “So I go over and I’m like, ‘Listen, I will fuck you up.'” Fabio claims that Clooney then shoved him. “He laid a hand on me, so it would have been self-defense if I had beaten him down. I could have fucked him up. Oh my god, I could have beaten the shit out of him. I was so pissed off…I could have punched him in the face while he was on his back. That’s how you really hurt someone—their face can’t amortize the punch so it takes, it takes the whole impact.”

I will take Fabio’s word here. In case you forgot, Fabs was the main component in America’s butter intake transformation. He convinced us all to try a butter substitute, promising tasty results and a smaller waistline, and he did not let us down. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter is still on the market, and for good reason. He is a trustworthy spokesperson and if he says he refrained from punching Clooney in the face even though he 100% deserved it, I am behind Fabio’s claims. I think the fact that two sentences ago he openly stated how he used the fashion industry to get into women’s pants just shows how complex he is as a person, and we shouldn’t judge him for this. You and I both know calling a woman who is accosting you a “bitch” is far worse than transmitting multiple STDs to her.

Fabio continues on to discuss his days as a full fledged romance-novel-cover model, unearthing yet another argument supporting his staunch stance against the degradation of women:

“I was a testosterone machine. Oh my god, I was going through models like crazy. I would be at Heartbreak or MK and there they were, 200 of them, all lined up. I could choose.”

I know. I don’t know what MK is either, but I’m sure it has something to do with MK Olsen.

He admits he has a hard time meeting girls he likes, because, you know, he’s Fabio. So he ends up dating a lot of actresses. “And they are always complaining about their work, or how they are not working. About this casting or this part they are hoping to get, and I have to say, ‘Come on, you’re a fucking waitress.’ I don’t say that, but I think that, you know, because I’m a gentleman.”

You are, indeed, such a gentleman, Fabio. I don’t understand why you can’t find love either.

However, Fabio ends the interview revealing that he was once in love, meaning true love for him is not out of the realm of possibility:

She was a brunette with a great body named Jennifer, whom he first saw from behind while she was dancing at the nightclub MK in New York. He was 24, and the two of them were practically living together within a few months. She was the “only one in the world. It’s very hard to fall in love,” he says. They were together for five and a half years. “I wasn’t ready then. I still love her. She’s always going to have a place in my heart. I don’t think about going back with her. What am I gonna do, ruin her family?” He shakes his head. “But I’m always going to love her.”

DO YOU HEAR THAT, JENNIFER? FABIO STILL LOVES YOU.

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