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If you’re anything like me, you’ve spent the last 2.5 days temping in (literally) a supply closet with nothing but the internet and your right hand to keep you company. And what’s that hand good for? Clicking! (what?)

I clicked the shit out of the internet, and in so doing, found a lovely soul who posted all of Saved by the Bell: Hawaiian Style. I watched all 9 parts. Here, a synopsis and critical look at the 1992 classic. You’re welcome!

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Nice face, Jessie.

Intro: Will Smith’s “Summertime” plays in the background while an Aaron Spelling-worthy montage of bikini babes titillates us. Classy AND effective!

Plot #1: Kelly’s grandfather owns a little hotel in Hawaii that is getting sabotaged by the huge resort nearby! They face foreclosure! Who can save them but the intrepid gang WITH the help of the grandfather’s lawyer, who is Brad from Teen Witch! (aka Dan Gauthier, nominated for BOTH a Daytime Emmy award and Soap Opera Digest award, thank you very much)

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Dreamboat headshot, Dan.

Lawyer Handsome starts to hit it off with Kelly. Who doesn’t? She’s easy on the eyes, easy in other ways… et cetera. The grandfather witnesses and sanctions the flirtation. The problem? Um, she’s 17!!! This does not get dealt with explicitly (huh huh). Not in part 4 of 9 when he invites her onto his yacht and rubs suntan lotion on her shoulders(!), and not in part 6 of 9 when they have a passionate french kiss! Ew! Wouldn’t a LAWYER know that it is illegal to do the nasty with someone who is NOT YET 18?? Gross.

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Back when cameltoes were babely.

Plot #1 winds up when we find out that Hunky Lawyer has been playing Kelly and is selling out the grandfather to the big richies up the hill. Jerk gets his comeupance, but not quite as much as he deserves. For being a pedophile. Blatantly.

Plot #2: At the airport, Zack falls in love at first sight with Andrea, a beautiful thick-eyebrowed girl who gets picked up by a jerk in a limo who turns out to be the heir to the resort owner’s fortune and who wants to marry Andrea and provide for her forever. Over the course of the 2 times she and Zack run into each other, Zack falls deeper and deeper in love. After a romantic lunch he finds out that (!) she has a 4 year-old daughter! Zack is into it and builds huge sand castles with the baby. As he tells Slater while they are backstage changing their grass skirts between scenes in the Authentic Hawaiian Spectacular that they are putting on for the guests of Kelly’s grandfather’s hotel, “You know how much I loved Kelly? Well, I love Andrea more.” Wise, sage Slater points out, “You’ve only known her for 10 days [preppy].” Zack, unswayed, proposes to Andrea that he drop out of school (because he is almost 18!!) and they live together. She declines his kind offer.

Movieprop.com has some interesting things to say about the patterns that Zack runs into with his girlfriend history. Too old, too young, homeless, female wrestler, motorcycle girl… the path of true love never runs straight for poor preppy.

The other thing to remember is that this episode came out 5 years AFTER the Growing Pains Aloha I and Aloha II episodes, wherein Mike falls in love with the beautiful Hawaiian tour guide. Doesn’t she have a kid too?An interesting pattern with these mainland boys. But then, I guess Zack Morris really is a blonde version of Mike Seaver, no?

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The Seavers in Paradise. (Tracy, it wasn’t you, it was the shorts!!)

Plot #3: Blah blah blah, Screech is thought by a tribe of local indigenous people to be the 6th generation descendent of their more beloved chief, and he will deliver them from the evil resort owners (again!) who want to demolish their homes and build his expansion on their sacred land.

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Kevin!!

This plot is obviously boring, and of course poor Lisa does not get a plot of her own. So sad. Is it not enough that she’s the only black girl they’ve ever known, EVER? Or the only black person wherever they are, EVER? Whatever. She squeals at Screech a few times.

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I deserved better plots!

Oh, what she does do is bet Slater and Jessie that they can’t go the whole vacation without fighting.

Plot #4: Lisa bets Slater and Jessie that they can’t go the whole vacation without fighting. They call each other mama and bubba and lose $100 to Lisa.

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I hate you.

Plot #5: Mr. Belding leads a trip of school principals who happen to be staying at the evil resort… the gang tricks them into moving into Kelly’s grandfather’s resort. Blah blah blah.

Conclusions: Nobody gets convicted for soliciting sex from minors!

Here is the link to Part 1 of 9. Go watch it yourself.

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