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Archive for the ‘wtf’ Category

Too Much of a Good Thing?

So even though I don’t have one, I love TV. Obviously. I would not be who I am today if not for TV. None of us would.

girl-tv.jpg

Banksy loves TV too.

But as hard as I try to embrace technology as it infiltrates my simple life, sometimes I encounter a situation that makes it hard to unabashedly embrace the boob (tube, that is).

This morning I went to the dentist. In their lobby they have a huge flat screen that is always showing vivid undersea explorations set to Enya, with informational captions at the bottom of the screen. After I was treated to the sperm ejections of a giant clam, I was called into the dentist’s office.

For some deeply ironic reason, since I stopped eating most processed sugar products this year, I have gotten LOADS of cavities. Damn natural licorice always gets caught in my teeth. Ew. No. But really. Lots of cavities. So in this, my final and certainly not first trip-to-get-fillings this year, I came prepared.

I said, “Hey dentist lady, I am going to put on my iPod so you can do whatever you want with the TV.”

That’s right, because there’s a TV in the examining room too! Now, I know that might seem like a great idea, but remember what it’s like to be in the dentist’s chair? That goddamn light in your eyes? You can’t see shit except the neck hair of your good doctor. But you can hear the dulcet tones of Christmas commercials, the golden retriever puppies playing over the Dirt Devils as they throb in time to your Novocained gum.

So okay, whatever, she didn’t turn it off. I don’t care. I am content listening to Ira Glass recount various tales of this lovely country of ours. I close my eyes.

And every now and then, I open them again. In my peripheral I see tools and devices sticking out of my mouth, the aide wielding that filling-dryer that may or may not project toxic light? The staff puts on protective goggles but I lay vulnerable on the other end. Do I see their eyes, reassuring and steady, guiding these potentially dangerous materials around my delicate oral orifice?

Um, no. I see the sides of their slack jaws as they STARE up at the TV! I know it’s hard to look away! It’s impossible even! But you know what? They used to think that repairing a tooth was impossible and the only way to get rid of a cavity was to yank the whole thing out! And we’ve progressed away from there. So I am here to stand up and say NO! It is NOT impossible to look away from the TV, especially if your JOB is to be facing in literally the OPPOSITE direction, pointing DRILLS and NEEDLES into my mouth!

Seriously? You seriously were watching TV when you were supposed to be filling my cavities? If you can’t look away then TURN IT THE FUCK OFF!

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Remember Scooter Libby? He was the one who got convicted of perjury and obstructing justice. That whole Valerie Plame thing. Her husband was an ambassador who said that the administration was lying about Iraq buying uranium in Africa (back before we shock and awed them – remember that shit?). The administration got pissed and so they told Robert Novak, this conservative columnist to write a column “outting” Valerie Plame as the CIA agent that she so was. Turning against “their own.” Or whatever. Clearly issues exist between the exec’s and the CIA type of people, but to me they’re all government people doing sneaky stuff.

Anyway, that was a long time ago. And Scooter Libby was the chief of staff for Dick Cheney. And he was the one who took the fall for all of it. I don’t say that to mean that he wasn’t guilty, but just that he obviously wasn’t the only guilty one.

So he got sentenced to 30 months in prison and $250,000. But, I guess Bush agreed with this guy:

“This is not a man who deserves to go to jail in any sense of the word,” said Kenneth L. Adelman, a former Defense Department official and longtime friend of Mr. Libby, who stayed at his Colorado vacation home before his trial.

“Whatever he did wrong, he certainly paid,” Mr. Adelman said, referring to Mr. Libby’s resignation from his prominent position and his public humiliation. “This is a good person who served his country very well and is a decent person,” he said.

Bush commuted his sentence – meaning that he doesn’t have to serve any jail time. Huh.

Me? I aree with this guy:

Senator Harry Reid of Nevada, the majority leader, called the commutation “disgraceful.”

“Libby’s conviction was the one faint glimmer of accountability for White House efforts to manipulate intelligence and silence critics of the Iraq War,” Mr. Reid said. “Now, even that small bit of justice has been undone.”

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Have you heard the news? Alec Baldwin has anger management issues. I’m not surprised. He’s related to Stephen Baldwin. Stephen Baldwin who, while a contestant on 2002’s “Celebrity Mole,” tried to strangle Kathy Griffin. (I remember the important things.)

Anyway, in case you don’t pay attention to celebrity gossip, I’ll catch you up to speed. Last week an enraged Baldwin left his daughter, Ireland, a pretty nasty voicemail. Apparently Ireland’s phone was turned off during one of their scheduled father-daughter calls, and this set Baldwin into a fuming ball of fury. (Though, straight to voicemail calls are annoying.) And this voicemail was “somehow” leaked onto the internet. I say “somehow” like “somehow” since I assume this particular v.mail leakage was no accident. No, sir. No accident, indeed. I find it hard to believe any paparazzimonger would be so interested in Basinger and Baldwin’s eleven year old daughter, that he or she would hack into her voice mailbox. In any case, I guess what’s really to be discussed here is the actual content of the ranting.

In this message, Baldwin refers to his daughter as “a rude pig,” calls Basinger a “thoughtless pain in the ass,” and threatens flying out to L.A. for one day only, the 20th, in order to “set [Ireland] straight.” I found that last threat to be legitimately scary. If I were Ireland I’d definitely think dad was going to kill me on the 20th. For Baldwin demands, “[she] better be ready for [him].” Yikes.

(Maybe this is straying off-topic, but I noticed Baldwin speaks to his daughter in an odd condemning tone, as if his daughter were an adult, perhaps an agent of his. Or something. It’s weird. I encourage you to listen for yourself, so you know exactly what I’m talking about. Or not. This audio may not be your cup of tea. Even though, apparently, it is mine. My cup of (chai) tea. Yum.)

Right. Back to the voicemail. At one point during the tirade as he is addressing Ireland’s offed cell phone irresponsibility, Baldwin yells, “I don’t care if you’re eleven or ten!” At first I (chuckled) and judged Baldwin for not knowing his own daughter’s age. But then I remembered that for the past year I thought I was a year younger than I actually was. Therefore, I decided to let this mistake slide. Also, I’m not sure naming Basinger a “thoughtless pain the ass” insinuates instability on Baldwin’s part. Seeing as how I’m sure most actors are….thoughtless pains in the ass(es). Jared Leto.

Now, I in no way condone this type of parental behavior. No parent should threaten their child like that. However, what I will say is, who knows what kind of daughter Ireland is. Maybe she’s like those kids on “The Maury Povich Show” who are forced to enroll in those military camps. Or even worse, maybe she’s a young Paris Hilton (my most hated). I mean, if my memory serves me correctly, at age eleven I’m pretty sure I was Satan. And while my parents never pulled the ol’, “you better be ready for me on the 20th” on me, who’s to say I didn’t deserve such threats. I mean besides most of the people reading this, and America in general. But seriously, (I am serious) we do not know Baldwin’s side of the story. Maybe his intent was to simply scold her, or take away her credit card. My parents were full of empty threats when I was younger. All parents are.

So, let’s not cast stones at the guy (just yet). Everyone deserves the right to defend themselves. But more importantly, it’s been about a week since I listened to the sound clip, and I honestly don’t remember much about it, aside from thinking Ireland was an interesting name. Hence, the voicemail might be a lot worse than I think. But I guess we’ll never know!

I will still watch.

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Everybody with a pair of currently or formerly active gonads knows about sexual desire. It is a near-universal experience, the invisible clause on one’s birth certificate stipulating that one will, upon reaching maturity, feel the urge to engage in activities often associated with the issuance of more birth certificates.”

*   *   *

Dear New York Times,

Please stop making me want to kill myself so early in the morning.

Many gonads,
Brooklyn Skeptic

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Cheney, Cheney, Cheney. There are already rumors that you suck the blood from the homeless, that you have turned immortal by eating babies, that you’re actually The Penguin from Batman…

Don't Look In The BushesBut this?

WTF? There have been several theories thrown around of what’s happening in this picture. I agree that maybe he’s somehow controlling Bush, from his shrubbery. I think it has to do something with his laser eyes. He stares long enough and you submit to his will, and I’ve heard his evil eyes kills puppies and kittens too.

The moral of the story is that Cheney is inhuman, creepy, and probably going to somehow take over in 2008.

I bet Rove has something to do with this. That man is a genius. I’m going to bet that he wants to send the not-so-subtle message that Cheney could be anywhere, hiding in your local shrubbery, watching your every move. They’re so advanced! They don’t even need wiretaps! Cheney is slowly becoming uber-powerful with his ability to steal souls and control you with his laser eyes.

I just thought everyone should know. I mean we have it easier here in New York because there’s not a lot of underbrush for Cheney to hide in…but please be careful…you’ll never know when he’ll pop out and…shoot your face and eat your still beating heart.

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