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Archive for the ‘Netflix’ Category

Last week, ChezJJP and I watched the film Crank. If you are unfamiliar with the film, it is about a man named Chev Chelios (!) who is poisoned by the mob. If his adrenaline goes below a certain level, he will die. He therefore goes on a rampage across Los Angeles, taking people hostage, doing drugs, having public sex and saying things that only sound cool when they are coming out of Jason Statham’s mouth. In short, it is the best movie ever made.

Why do I bring this movie up? Because it is a perfect example of why the concept of Netflix works for me. Let’s say that I live ten minutes from a video store, and that their rentals cost 4 bucks a DVD. So I walk there and start browsing. I know that I secretly want to see Crank, that it sounds like the greatest movie of all time, and that I wish that I had come up with the idea of taking the movie Speed and replacing the bus with Jason Statham. But I’ve just spent time walking to the store. There are tons of other, better quality movies around me. Am I honestly going to pick that one out of the lot and put down four of my hard earned dollars to rent it, knowing that I’m going to spend another twenty minutes returning it? No. I’m going to rent something classy, like Howard’s End. And Anthony Hopkins is not poisoned in Howard’s End. He doesn’t have to race against the clock to find an antidote and keep himself full of adrenaline. As far as I know, Howard’s End consists of Anthony Hopkins slowly falling asleep next to a pond.

But Netflix requires no effort! And hence, there’s no guilt! You can get multiple movies at a time! And you don’t have to go anywhere to get them! They just show up! You want to send me Crank? Sounds awesome!

And this is why I’m pissed off. Because yesterday I was faced with this screen all day:

This meant that I couldn’t update my queue. Hence, I got sent a movie I didn’t want. Boo.

Also, why has The Wire (Season 1) had “long wait” written next to it for more than four months? How long of a wait is “long wait?” I think I’ve earned it. And why are there people I know in D.C. who got Michael Clayton right away, but it seems that I am destined to never see Tom Wilkinson utter the words “I am Shiva, the God of Death.” I need to see Tom Wilkinson say that, Netflix. I’m serious. 

So while I love that you give me the movies I want, you should also start to realize that I am your best customer. I promote you to friends. I send people comments about movies they should see. And I deserve better. Don’t make me live in a Statham-less world.

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Singing telegram. Beer.  Russian bride. Toilet paper. Pants.  As an intermittent shut-in, nothing makes me happier than the ability to get anything (anything!) delivered to my house, without having to go outside.  As the lone inhabitant of planet earth who is not a Netflix member (I’m not sure how i feel about people who don’t eat beans and toast or watch Fawlty Towers saying “queue”), I was nonetheless overjoyed for my fellow hermits that they will soon not even have to go outside to their mailboxes to watch an entire season of My So Called Life (or, MSCL in the biz).  Fellow Brooklynites: join me in never leaving your house again.

 Jordan Catalano will only break your heart.

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