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Archive for March, 2008

In last week’s NY Times Dining & Wine section, one columnist struggles with whether or not to allow his teenage son to drink at home – which would hopefully stop him from binging outside the home. Initially he imagined himself as a cool Euro-styled vittner, exposing his son to the joys of a fine glass of the grape stuff over dinner. Presumably, while his teenage son eloquently expounds on the difficulties of growing up in today’s media-saturated world, clearly enunciates his wants and needs, professes respect for the wondrous changes his and his classmates’ bodies are undergoing, and respectfully solicits advice from his parents.

Or, something. That’s all beside the point. I actually want to share a fact that he found in his ponderings:

I found ample evidence of the dangers of abusive drinking. Recent studies have shown that heavy drinking does more damage to the teenage brain than previously suspected, while the part of the brain responsible for judgment is not even fully formed until the age of 25.

“If we were to argue that responsible drinking requires a responsible brain, theoretically we wouldn’t introduce alcohol until 25,” said Dr. Ralph I. Lopez, a clinical professor of pediatrics at Weill-Cornell Medical College who specializes in adolescents.

Huh! I don’t know about you, but as someone who is approaching the quarter-century mark, that is a huge relief. You know? I’ve felt like I had an unformed brain of a baby, but it’s reassuring for a doctor to confirm the fact for me.

Last Saturday night (morning) when I was blackout drunk and calling the director of All Things Considered (yes, that All Things Considered. for real.) John Whitey Whitey Whitey (this is not, in fact, his name)… my judgment was called into question.

But it wasn’t my fault! My judgment mindgrapes aren’t fully formed. Phew!!! What a relief.

The columnist, who is presumably well over 25, arrives at this conclusion:

Although the issue is not settled in my household, my cautious opinion now is that my teenage sons have more to gain than to lose by having a taste of wine now and then with dinner. By taste, I mean just that: a couple of sips, perhaps, not a full glass, and decidedly not for any of their friends, whose own parents must make their own decisions.

The years between ages 15 and 25 are dangerous straits, and it doesn’t help to know that alcohol is associated with many of the hazards young adults face. Finding that sweet spot between sanctimony and self-centered frivolity is a parent’s job. I think I’m there, but it’s not quite comfortable.

Um? Does anyone ACTUALLY think that a 25 year-old should still be actively parented? That it is a parent’s job to make ANY decisions for a 25 year-old?

Oh, btw Mom and Dad… it’s totally your own fault that NPR is going to deny your membership next time around. Shouldn’t have let me have that wine with dinner. For shame.

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Hi. How are you? Are you comfortable? Good. Let’s have a chat.

I – ah – I want you to know. That I know.

It’s OK! Let’s just talk about it, OK?

I know, because the website that hosts our blog – it tells us what you search for. What brought you to us.

So you see, I know that you’re searching.

I know that you’re searching for “Jason Schwartzman naked.”

And also, “lesbian sex in H&M dressing room.”

When you’re searching for these things, what is it that you’re really searching for? Really.  You know where I think you should try looking?

Inside your own heart, my love. It’s been there all along.

Oh, but to the people who found us by searching “horse fuck”? You were looking in the right place. Clearly.

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A mere 25 minutes before the Mets’ opening game against the Marlins, let’s take a moment to give thanks for another season of the Mets, and another season of Mets Update for Girls.

Look to it as your definitive guide on all things Mets. Today, Santana takes on Hendrickson in pitching and facial cuteness.

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Celebrate April Fool’s Day by flinging balls around!

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If you’re anything like me, a lot of your life is spent watching movies and abusing various substances (for your sake, I hope you’re not like me). These movies are usually watched late at night, and are of dubious quality. If you’ve had a bit to drink (or have abused other substances) and it’s late at night, you rarely want to watch Gone With The Wind. But the crappy late night movies that you watch have their own qualities, and they deserve recognition. I plan to do just that in this new Brooklyn Skeptic semi-regular feature: Movies For Substance Abusers.

Movie: Lake Placid

When: Friday, 12:30am

Substances Abused: A few beers, a couple glasses of wine, ChezJJP.

After a happy hour with bearclaws, a quality movie with oneiroi and recklesley, and the above mentioned substances, ChezJJP and I sat down on a cool March night and turned on the Bill Pullman classic Lake Placid. It’s the story of a New York woman who is summoned to a small Maine town when a local deputy has been killed by something in a nearby lake. Bridget Fonda plays an the uptight Manhattanite who meets with local policeman Bill Pullman. Pullman employs his “act by squinting” method, and you get to see him rock some bitching shorts.

As the group go to the lake to investigate the murder, they figure out that it’s a crocodile that is killing everyone. This brings in wacky character actor Oliver Platt, who plays a crocodile lover or something (things were already getting hazy for me at this point) who comes in by helicopter and brings some much needed comedic relief to the proceedings. The crocodile then proceeds to bite off heads, chomp people in half, eat live cows, attack boats and helicopters, and make Betty White swear. At one point, everyone’s favorite Golden Girl looks at Bill Pullman and says “If I had a cock, this is wear I would tell you to suck it.” Priceless. I’m pretty sure she calls someone else a “fuckshit.” If only the rest of the gang had been there to see that. I’m sure Estelle would’ve joined in the fun.

While the end is pretty wacky, I must say I was disappointed. From the moment Pullman and Fonda met in the beginning, I was waiting for them to make out. And then it never happened. What the fuck Pullman? It ends with him inviting Fonda out for a beer? She almost got bitten in half! Oliver Platt is in the hospital and several people have had their extremities bitten off by a 30-foot crocodile! Tell me what would make you feel better than some squinty Bill Pullman action?

Grade: C+

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21: 

The Plot: A college kid joins a group of math geniuses to earn money for med school by counting cards at a Vegas casino.

Is It Worth Eleven Dollars?: No. I saw this at a screening earlier this week. While it had a sort of entertaining first half, it quickly folds (PUN WHAT WHAT?) into a collection of cliches and predictable plot lines. Kevin Spacey is fun playing the character he seems to always play, Kate Bosworth is hot, and the kid from the worst movie ever doesn’t get too annoying. It’s worth renting.

Where is it playing in Brooklyn/Manhattan?: Prospect Park Pavilion, United Artists on Court Street.

Superhero Movie:

The Plot: A spoof of superhero movies from the guy who brought you a bunch of other shitty spoofs.

Is It Worth Eleven Dollars?: No. This looks better than the recent collection of shitty spoofs (Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans), but, then again, so does a hernia. It’s funny that the majority of these movies need to put what genre they’re spoofing right there in the title. I think it’s because they’re trying to capture an audience that is so fucking stupid that they wouldn’t otherwise know.

Where is it playing in Brooklyn/Manhattan?: Prospect Park Pavilion, United Artists on Court Street.

This man is stupid.

Stop-Loss:The Plot: A group of young men from a small town are called back to active duty in the Iraq War, and take off their shirts in protest.

Is It Worth Eleven Dollars?: I would say yes. Although I found it interesting when I saw the trailer that Kimberly Pierce’s follow-up to her Oscar winning film Boys Don’t Cry seems to be about…boys crying. All the same, there’s a collection of strong young actors including Ryan Phillipe, Channing Tatum, Rob Brown and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Iraq movies haven’t been doing so well (Rendition, Lions for Lambs, In The Valley of Elah, Redacted – seen any of these?) but this has been getting some okay advanced reviews and could break the funk by featuring less preachiness and more hot Texan dudes getting naked.

Where is it playing in Brooklyn/Manhattan?: Prospect Park Pavilion.

Run, Fat Boy, Run:

The Plot: Simon Pegg (Shaun of the Dead) runs a marathon to impress his ex-fiancee.

Is It Worth Eleven Dollars?: Probably not. There are, however, some interesting people involved in this productions. Michael Ian Black wrote the original script, which was re-written by Simon Pegg. The location changed from the United States to London and David Schwimmer directed. I want to like this movie. But I don’t think I will. Sorry bearclaws.

Where is it playing in Brooklyn/Manhattan?: Union Square.

Flawless:

The Plot: Demi Moore and Michael Caine steal diamonds.

Is It Worth Eleven Dollars?: I don’t really know anything about this movie, and I don’t really need to. Demi Moore and Michael Caine steal fucking diamonds? Can you think of a plot that is sexier than that? Seriously, try. I dare you.

Where is it playing in Brooklyn/Manhattan?: Landmark Sunshine.

Chapter 27:

The Plot: Jared Leto is Mark David Chapman, the man who shot John Lennon. And then, judging by the picture below, ate him.

Is It Worth Eleven Dollars?: No. Who asked for a movie about this? Advanced reviews are terrible. Oh yeah, and Lindsay Lohan is in it.

Where is it playing in Brooklyn/Manhattan?: Appropriately, at the Angelika.

Priceless:

The Plot: A gold digger mistakes a bartender for a wealthy suitor, but then falls in love with him anyway…after wacky hijinks, mind you.

Is It Worth Eleven Dollars?: No. What is it with the French and mistaken identity comedies? There are plenty of other tired comedic formulas that you can drive into the ground.

Where is it playing in Brooklyn/Manhattan?: Cobble Hill Cinemas.

A Boy and His Dog is playing as the midnight movie at the Sunshine tonight. Also, check out this website for the New Directors/New Films series, playing through April 6th.

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I went into H&M in all seriousness. I wanted a cheap dress. That I liked. But the thing is, I think there is some kind of nefarious shit going on. I think that most dresses that I would actually want to buy are priced above $40. And if I’m looking to spend above $40 I’ll go somewhere that is not H&M. That is for sure.

So what are we left with, in the below $40 bracket? Some of this stuff…

On this yucky rainy day I bring you the next installment of H&M: Good Enough for Madge, Good Enough For You?

(The first installment is here.)

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 This one was up on a really high rack, like they didn’t expect anyone to actually get it down. When I was standing on my tiptoes to knock the edge of the hanger, I got a few looks. Maybe it was the BO, maybe not. We’ll never know.

(ha! BO jokes. classic.)

This was comfortable, fine, whatever. My issue comes, obviously, with the giant bow across the tits. I feel like giant bows have been consistently derided in celebrity fashion for a few seasons now. Which makes it exactly the right time for H&M to incorporate the look into its ready-to-wear? I don’t know. I’m not ready for it, though.

Let’s move on.

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Oooh. Now, this. THIS I can feel good about. How can I describe the secret, dare I say naughty (ew) thrill I felt when I picked these up? These are NOT your 6 year old-self’s overalls, I’ll tell you that much. I did not include a butt shot because it was too lewd. These were tight. And wide legged. At the same time. Modern science. Amazing.

Let’s try it another way, shall we? 

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Yes! Hello, Kelly Kapowski! I knew you were in there somewhere.

 It’s nice to see you again.

Why, yes, I have lost weight. How nice of you to notice.

Your hair is looking especially lustrous, also. I knew not to believe those cocaine rumors.

Oh! Thanks! Do you like them? Do you think I should buy them? You know, they remind me of you.  I feel… powerful in them.

Oh, OK. I understand. The week after Easter is a busy time for all of us. Believe me. I mean, I believe you.

Call me!

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I’m happy for H&M that they’re experimenting with organic cotton, but does it have to look so much like it’s made out of organic cotton? 

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This dress, in case you can’t tell, is covered with fringe. Actually, to be precise, it’s covered with little loops of poleyester thread. So if you wanted it to be true fringe, you’d have to take a blade to it. But why would you want to do that? It’s so handsome, as is. 

I took a video of this dress, because, as you may know, fringe is a dish best served IN MOTION. But I couldn’t email it off my phone. So here’s the next best (actually, much much better) thing:

Talk about fringe!!

Actually, when I was leaving the dressing room I saw a very chic looking lady holding this dress, waiting to try it on. Huh.

Anyway…

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Look at this, huh? Look closer:

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Weird. I ran out of words.

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