Archive for the ‘Lindsay Lohan’ Category

In this election season, it can be hard to get through all the shit people are saying about all the candidates and races and delegates and such and find out what ELSE is going on out there. IS anything else going on? Seems like… yes, maybe so.

1. Kosovo declares independence from Serbia. The US and UK, among others, have formally supported this declaration. Russia backs Serbia. Today there was an aggressive protest at the US embassy in Serbia by Serbians angry at US’s support for Kosovo’s cessation.

2. Zefron is totally not gay. The pretty faced musical theater performer loves American Idol, totally thinks Paula is a sweetheart. Does anyone like Paula besides gay men?

3. New US military command ‘Africom’ created.  Bush said…

…the new command, Africom, was to provide African states with military training and assistance so they could handle Africa’s problems better.

OK. If that’s what you want to say, that’s your right, Mr. Bush. I guess it’s tacky to be up front about the intelligence gathering and people watching that the ‘coms’ actually do.

4. Ivory Coasters discover the allure of big butts. They’ve got their own answer to Sir Mix-a-lot: DJ Mix and DJ Eloh, who’s song “Bobaraba” means “big bottoms.” Bottom enhancing treatments (which are maybe just vitamin B12?) in the form of creams and injections are sold for $2 a pop.

5. Stars like to pose naked as Marilyn Monroe. It’s not only LiLo’s steamy shoot (which apparently crashed the NY Mag server because it got so many hits). A ‘Marilyn Monroe expert’ (does Evergreen give a degree for that or something?) was fooled by an old nudie pic of Madonna, and thought it was Marilyn. He will hold a press conference, and probably masturbate.

6. The Beijing Games get (an even) worse reputation. Besides Spielberg dropping out of the games because of the Chinese government’s involvement with Darfur (old news), now somewhere between 14,000 and 1.25 million people are homeless because of the games. Apparently the first number is the people who were forced out of their homes to make room for the Olympic stadiums themselves. 1.25 million is the number of residents who had to skedaddle to make way for all the other construction needed to “make Beijing a more modern city for the Olympic games.” I don’t know where they’re being relocated to. Maybe Beijing has its own Wards Island?

7. Omar Sharif is racist, violent. In LA, Omar Sharif called a Guatamalan-born valet a “stupid Mexican,” then punched him in the face. Ew. He is so divorced from the M*A*S*H game in which me and him got married.

8. US Government blew up a shuttle.

9. People are worried (for good reason) that they will be what they eat.

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It’s time everyone learned the REAL story of Christmas. Here’s a documentary that explains the true meaning of the holiday season.

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There was a lot going on at BAM on Saturday night. Probably too much. BAM held their first annual Takeover event. It was a night that consisted of several series of films, rock concerts and various other forms of entertainment. We arrived at around 9pm and waited in line for about twenty minutes before getting into the already crowded Peter Jay Sharp building. The films were about to start, as were the musical acts, but we decided to relax for a moment and get a drink at the beautifully decorated BAM Cafe. A DJ (who was very talkative) welcomed everyone to the event, where there were three dollar beers available all night and a lot of Brooklyn pride. Then it was time to check out some movies. The only problem was, there was no booze allowed in the movie theaters or the opera house. We discussed how the entire event sort of felt like a party that was awkwardly chaperoned by your parents, or an overly cautious friend who didn’t feel like cleaning up the next morning. Nonetheless, we finished our drinks and proceeded to the movie theaters.

There were four series of films playing. One was the “Pusher” series, a group of three Danish drug movies. I wanted to watch these, but that would mean giving up my entire evening and not seeing any of my friends at all. There was also a series called “When Animals Hug” which all featured fuzzy creatures being cute. There was a group of rock documentaries about The Sex Pistols, The Talking Heads, Ziggy Stardust and The Rolling Stones. And finally, there was a collection of Lindsay Lohan films, dating right up to her most recent disaster, I Know Who Killed Me. Of our group of five, two went off to watch Mean Girls, while myself and two others went to watch some of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars. The theater was completely filled, with people forced to stand in the back. The crowd was energetic and giggled as a mulleted David Bowie jumped around the stage dressed in a skimpy kimono and knee high boots. We watched for a good forty minutes before we had to leave to make our way downstairs.

Be Your Own Pet had already started playing when we walked into the beautiful opera house. The crowd was smaller than I would’ve thought. There were more people watching the Ziggy Stardust movie than there were here. All the same, the band was cocky and loud, and the acoustics were excellent in the theater. The pint-sized Jemina Pearl Abegg thrashed around stage like Karen O’s bratty little sister who had forgotten to take her Adderall. The crowd was surprisingly talkative. When one fan jokingly asked them to play some Sonic Youth, guitarist Nathan Vasquez responded “Why don’t you play some shut the hell up?” They played for forty five minutes, which is a long time when most of your songs are barely two minutes long.

After this, there was a short burlesque show, where a woman named “Little Brooklyn” danced to “Minnie the Moocher” and slowly disrobed. The crowd enjoyed this, as well as The Glamazons who came on next and sang Peggy Lee’s “You Give Me Fever” dressed in red and black corsets. By the time we left this however, we all wanted more drinks, and the next string of movies had already started. The place had become ridiculously crowded at this point, and they had started holding people back from going to the cafe because they were at capacity. In short, BAM was slowly turning into a club. Everyone got a little frustrated with this. Lines were getting longer, it was becoming harder and harder to walk through the building, and we were missing the events because there were just too many at once.

I love BAM, and I love the fact that they did this event. I love that it was so popular, and for the most part, people seemed to have a good time. This was their first year though, and they obviously still have some organization problems to work out. For starters, they need to at least allow alcohol in the music hall and movie theaters. We understand that people don’t need to be bringing bottles of gin into your average movie theater for the 3:30 showing of Wild Hogs (unless they plan on throwing it at the screen), but if the logo for your Saturday night event says “Party All Night” on it, people are going to expect to be able to drink where and when they please. And honestly, I would say that the event only needed about half of the shows that took place. I know that the Lindsay Lohan movies were probably the biggest draw here (or the most eye-catching), but had it been a night of maybe just rock shows, rock documentaries and the BAM Cafe playing music, that would have been great. If you come to an event like this with friends, everyone is going to want to do something different. This means that a lot of the evening is spent either split up from people or trying to reconnect with them afterwards. If they do this again next year, and I really hope they do, I think the entire thing should be both more focused and laid back.


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Just read this whole recipe first. It’s a lot of steps but its not that much work. Better for two people to do it: one takes care of steak and one takes care of fries. You can conveniently execute this recipe on a small Brooklyn sized grill.

Necessary Jive :

Grill or Cast Iron Pan or (Oiled)

Strip Steaks (one per person or one for two if squeamish)
Unsalted Butter
Fresh Tarragon
Lemon Juice

Idaho Potatoes
Two cloves Garlic
Kosher Salt

1. Get yo’ steaks to room temperature and get that butter soft.
2. Chop up tarragon, combine with butter and tablespoon of lemon juice. Mix with butter.
3. Now, place mixed butter in saran wrap and make a log, place in freezer.
4. Cut up your fries and place in a cold bowl of water with ice cubes.
5. Now, pre-heat your grill pan or grill. Oil it so meat wont stick. On the stovetop, heat about 3-4 inches of oil in a deep pot. Here you really should use an oil thermometer and you should have one, cuz for proper frying this oil should be at 360 degrees F. If it’s cooler than that, you’re wasting your time but hey, dip a finger and take a chance. (Wait, don’t do that).
6. Place two cloves of garlic in the warming up oil and take em out before its hot enuf to put fries in.
7. Now with oil super hot, drop in a first batch o’ fries. Don’t overcrowd, or it will suck suck suck. Just a handful at a time. Get someone else to tend to the fries while you do the steak, as they will need to removed from the oil when they are nice and brown using tongs or a slotted spoon. Put the fries on a rack to drain, preferably, or on a cloth napkin in a bowl and toss around. Throw some plates in the oven to get ’em hot. Keep the done fries in the oven as well.
8. Ok, now the steak. With a 1-1.5 inch steak you want about 3 mins a side for rare, 4 mins for med rare and leave it on forever if you want more than that. Just imagine the heat first searing the edge and then penetrating the meat. You definitely do not want to cook each side for more than 4 minutes in my opinion. Make sure to use tongs and don’t pierce the damn thing. 9. Now let the steak REST. For 2-3 minutes preferably in a warm oven on a hot ass plate or covered in foil.
10. If you are slicing it up, place on cutting board and SLICE ACROSS THE GRAIN. That means slice it perpendicular to the little streaks you see running across the surface of the steak.
11. Cut a round of the now hard butter and place it on top of the steak and let melt. Mmmmmm. Go get your fries.
Serve everything as HOT as you can! Realistically it will take you some tries to get this one efficient, but its f&*% rewarding when you’ve done it a couple times.

Look for more recipe ideas you can rip off as your own at www.chezjjp.com!

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More working, less coke. More mani-pedis, less passing out in cars. More red carpets, less vomiting in plants. More Hilary Duff, less Paris Hilton. More rehab, less knife fights.


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Okay, I really love Lindsay Lohan. She has very shiny hair. She was awesome in Mean Girls and Freaky Friday. She drinks like a scruffy Irishman.

But she is dumb and her dumbness is going to be her downfall. This weekend, Miss Lohan was in her third car accident in two years. For the record, that’s a lot. But wait. More stupidity:

1. It was a single car accident, which means that a curb duped her. Not even a moving object.
2. She was drunk (allegedly – she has to answer those charges in August). And yes, she was in rehab earlier this year.
3. She had some cocaine in the car with her. Again, rehab. This year.

Additional things to consider in the realm of the Lohan.

1. She was drunk and she’s 20: illegal.
2. She was drunk and driving: illegal and incredibly dangerous.
3. She had cocaine!

I’m just saying, why is she not in jail? Why wasn’t she arrested? Why wasn’t her license suspended? Why didn’t she get a ticket? What the fuck is going on here?

It’s not that I want her to be in jail, because I love her and her wacky antics. I don’t care if she’s doing more coke than David Bowie in ’71 and I don’t care if she’s drinking until she’s puking up a spaghetti dinner she ate when she was 12. But she’s just being reckless now. There were other people in her car and other people driving in general. Take her license away and get the bitch a driver. She’s rich.

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I post in response to a recent New York Magazine article whose subject matter rendered me shocked and appalled. It inquires, “Can Human Giant Save MTV?” an incredibly bold and misguided question not because the answer might be no, but because it assumes that MTV needs to be saved in the first place.
Human Giants
Human Giant, a sketch comedy show featuring the three funniest people ever, is destined for greatness. I find myself in the unique and completely impartial position to make this statement, because, aside from the minor details that I will be making an appearance in the pilot (OMG I’M GOING TO BE ON MTV, WOOOOO!) and that the show is directed by my future brother-in-boyfriendship (I’M TOTALLY FAMOUS, WAAAAA!) I have absolutely no vested interest in its inevitable success. That being said, the show is but a drop in the extremely large bucket that is MTV’s current lineup of timelessly brilliant programming. In fact, because MTV is currently experiencing such incredible success and critical acclaim, Human Giant could be the most boring shit ever and still have a viewership that rivals the Super Bowl. Don’t get me wrong, I think Human Giant is quality programming, and I will proudly collect my weekly royalties when the show reaches syndication and my .06 second performance as Guy on the Bench is streamed on KRZRs across America. I simply feel that this success is unavoidable, as, contrary to the derisive tone of this misguided New York article, Human Giant will be airing not at the MTV’s lowest moment, but rather, at its zenith.

Venture with me, if you will, back to a time when the network was overrun with nonsensical “musical shorts” depicting arsonists, oversexed children, child pornographers, drug addicts, Weird Al, and murderers flaunting their booties and wads of Benjamins. The year was 1995. These unsavory figures ruled the airwaves, threatening the very moral fabric of our society, and frankly, ruining what preeminence the MTV network had painstakingly earned during the days of Peter Gabriel and (early) REM. This was MTV at its lowest. This was when it needed the glorious breath of fresh air that is Human Giant.

As for the troubled network’s “original” programming, the situation was no better. By 1995, a complete lack of viewership fomented the cancellation of MTV’s best programming, Yo! MTV Raps and Totally Pauly. The shows’ enormous budgets could no longer be sustained, and the network was forced to shift its focus to the growing popularity of entirely costless programming. In an unabashedly grotesque display of laziness, MTV chose to air unadulterated footage of life as it really is, a format that would never succeed in a society desperate for the plot, drama, and interpersonal strife that only writers can create. The Real World, the most egregious display of this laziness, had none of this; in fact, because it so precisely depicted day-to-day life as it actually is, it was like watching nothing at all. 1995 also marked the first season of Road Rules, which in fact did not rule, and sent MTV down one road only: the road to suckiness and unwatchability.

And that was the state of the MTV network for ten solid years. Only in recent years has MTV regained its stature as the best network on television, driven primarily by the immense popularity of Ashlee Simpson and the return of the script in the heralded Laguna Beach and Date My Mom. The fire that was lit by the Buggles back in 1981 burns once again, Human Giant merely kindling in its radiant glow. But you should totally watch anyway. April 5th. 10:30. Did I mention I’m in the pilot?

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“Lohan told Newsday that while he was in prison, he went to Bible college and became a minister with the Assemblies of God Ministry. ‘I want to help people,’ he said. ‘I don’t want them to fall into the same traps I did.'”

Michael Lohan is no longer just Lindsay’s father, he’s any number of Christians’ Father. I imagine under his guidance and tutelage, his parishioners will not only avoid “traps,” they’ll emerge from church as bouncy, red-headed, incredibly hot, coke-addicted party whores. OMG. Long Island RULES.

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Tori Spelling just gave birth to a baby boy. I wonder if he’s going to inherit any of Tori’s original features.

Lindsay Lohan’s father was just released from prison. Good. We need more Lohan drama.

Apparently Tom Brady has impregnated not one, but two women. One of which is Gisele Bundchen. Damn, Tom. Have you ever heard of birth control? And, way to go!

Britney Spears apparently has a new boyfriend. He’s a rocker. They met at Alcoholics Anonymous. Sweet. He wants to save her. And help her pick out a new wig.

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