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Archive for the ‘Judging’ Category

Forget padding box office totals with fuzzy math, purchasing a Toyota Tundra, or stuffing one’s pants with a worn (gently loved) gym sock. If you are a man who craves all natural male enhancement, you should look no further than Phillip’s Bodygroom trimmer/shaver:

Bodygroom

Promising to add a full optical inch, the Phillip’s Bodygroom can be used carefree on one’s kiwis, peach and carrot. I’m relatively uncertain what body part is represented by the peach in the risque commerical for the product, as the only logical equivalent certainly falls far from the tree. In fact, one might say this product raises many more questions concerning body maintenance than it answers.

1. Since the inch gained from use of the Bodygroom is purely optical, doesn’t this just leave room to disappoint rather than overachieve in bed?

2. How can a shaving product be both safe and effective when applied to a man’s most important and sensitive areas?

Mega Mega, a reviewer of the Bodygroom product on amazon.com, provides positive feedback, noting that “the skin irritation was only about one third that of standard Mach 3 shave. The skin irritation was limited to the inner thighs (Shaft, Beanbag, and Starfish showed no signs of irritation)….”

While this praise for the comfort and utility of the Bodygroom was mostly typical of the reviews on amazon.com (along with more inventive pseudonyms for one’s taint and package) one user, J. Wilson, recalls only a moment of pure terror:

“Although the small teeth do not cause large knicks in the skin, they do tend to get caught under flat laying hairs, they then dig into the skin while ripping off large chunk at the same time. This creates a larger and more painful blemish than I have ever experienced with any other product – electric or manual. Blood everywhere.”

3. How long does one get to cherish their optical inch after using the Bodygroom, and will repeated shaving lead to diminishing returns?

Fortunately for the Bodygroom, the verdict on this question is decidedly in favor of shaving. According to the Mayo Clinic, “Shaving hair doesn’t make it grow back thicker. It also doesn’t affect the color or rate of growth. The color, location, thickness and length of hair on your body mainly depend on genetics and hormones. After you shave body hair, it may feel coarse or “stubbly” for a time as it grows out. During this phase, it may be more noticeable – and may appear darker or thicker. But it’s not.”

An update with empirical testing of these questions will be forthcoming, provided that my co-worker and I are still alive.

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One morning, about a week ago, as I was lying in bed wondering which I hated more, waking up at 7:00am or getting punched in the face, I listened to NPR discuss Facebook’s newest plans to restructure its site. Thought provoking. Facebook already wants another “Face”lift? Didn’t they add all those creepy mini-feed features not too long ago? Craze.

Anyway, apparently Facebook wants to overthrow Myspace, whose client count currently surpasses Facebook’s by three times. I’m not surprised. I can’t imagine anyone who wasn’t a college student when Facebook came into existence would have a profile. I mean, Facebook is clearly directed towards the youngsters. With the option of listing one’s current course list and residence hall, it’s pretty obvious the people who would be most attracted to this site are students. (And me, apparently.)

But also, Myspace makes it easier for pedophiles to make up fake (or real) profiles and lure innocent pre-teens into dangerous relationships than Face does. That right there probably ups Myspace’s popularity by like, 27%. Granted a 40-year old with an internet profile on this type of online social network would be questionable in any situation, but with Myspace’s growing popularity amongst D-list celebrities, bands, clothing lines, old hipsters, etc. it’s somewhat understandable to see a middle aged man with 3 pages of candid photographs of himself. To a certain extent, anyway. However, if I ever saw an older-ish man (or woman) on F-book, I wouldn’t think twice about that person either being a parent who’s checking up on their kid, or a dangerous human being with stalker-like tendencies.

Lastly, Facebook has more restrictions in terms of who can see your profile and who cannot. Each profile is connected to a network and can only be viewed by those belonging to that same network. Get it? Meaning, if I find the profile of a person I went to high school with but did not attend the same university or currently live in a different town as he or she, said’s profile is restricted. This makes it very hard to judge people from the past (former classmates, arch nemeses, etc.). It is very inconvenient. How is a person supposed to silently criticize folks if all they have to go by is a 1×1 inch photo? It’s incredibly difficult. Although, occasionally the picture, as they say, speaks for itself. But that’s pretty rare. And even though Myspace practices an “all or nothing” rule in regards to who is allowed to view your list of favorite movies, tv shows, and recent interests, at least they grant the option of exposing your internet persona to the free world.

Now, I’m not saying one site is better than the other, but I am saying Facebook is going to have to revamp its layout quite a bit if they want to seem less student oriented, and more open towards sexual predators.

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Cheney, Cheney, Cheney. There are already rumors that you suck the blood from the homeless, that you have turned immortal by eating babies, that you’re actually The Penguin from Batman…

Don't Look In The BushesBut this?

WTF? There have been several theories thrown around of what’s happening in this picture. I agree that maybe he’s somehow controlling Bush, from his shrubbery. I think it has to do something with his laser eyes. He stares long enough and you submit to his will, and I’ve heard his evil eyes kills puppies and kittens too.

The moral of the story is that Cheney is inhuman, creepy, and probably going to somehow take over in 2008.

I bet Rove has something to do with this. That man is a genius. I’m going to bet that he wants to send the not-so-subtle message that Cheney could be anywhere, hiding in your local shrubbery, watching your every move. They’re so advanced! They don’t even need wiretaps! Cheney is slowly becoming uber-powerful with his ability to steal souls and control you with his laser eyes.

I just thought everyone should know. I mean we have it easier here in New York because there’s not a lot of underbrush for Cheney to hide in…but please be careful…you’ll never know when he’ll pop out and…shoot your face and eat your still beating heart.

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