Archive for December, 2008


Be merry.

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Michael Bay must be super busy being the most awesomest film producer/director of our time. Not only has the multi-MTV Movie Awards Winner continued his time honored tradition of remaking horror films (Texas Chainsaw, The Hitcher, Friday the 13th, A Nightmare on Elm Street) thus making the originals look like works of genius, but he’s also producing non-remake horror films.

A poster was released a few days ago for the new David S. Goyer directed horror movie, The Unborn. Let’s just say that the poster definitely grabs your attention. I was looking at it for about twenty-five minutes before I realized that it’s actually supposed to be a horror film (the little kid in the mirror reflection was a *dead* give away – get it?) and that the girl’s butt wasn’t the only ass on the poster! That’s right. In the credits under producer is…wait for it…Michael Bay! Hurrah!

And that’s when I was inspired to type Michael Bay’s name into Google. And thanks be to Bad Boys 2 I did, because I found out that the man has his own website, complete with blog posts, set visits, trailers and an inspiring header picture of him literally reaching for the sky. God bless him. So, for all your Michael Bay needs, there you go. You’re fucking welcome.

Lovechild of Fabio and Michael Bolton?

Michael Bay: Lovechild of Fabio and Michael Bolton?

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Uh….really? I know that they’re trying to make the Oscars more “hip” and have said that they’ll be making a lot of changes, but really? Huh. Interesting. I mean, I don’t really have anything against the guy, but it seems like such a random choice. I know he’s an actor, but, well, there are plenty of actors in the world. You could have just as easily gone with…say…Aidan Quinn. Or Tom Berenger. Or F. Murray Abraham. Or Erik Estrada.

At one point there were rumors that it could be either Ricky Gervais or Justin Timberlake. What happened to those? Either would’ve been an improvement on picking Hugh Jackman. Hugh Jackman is popular among forty year old women who read People Magazine. I don’t care if he’s Wolverine, I somehow don’t think all the kids are suddenly going to flock to the television.

All I’m saying is that if I was a kid who was scared that the Oscars weren’t hip enough, Tom Berenger would set me straight.


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I take back the above exclamation point. There is nothing exciting about the Golden Globes, I just thought feigned excitement might make you more inclined to read this post. And here you are. Sucker.

Yes, the Golden Globe nominations were announced today. The Golden Globes kind of act as Oscar’s little brother. But he’s a pigeon-toed, hyperactive little brother, with his finger in his nose and chocolate all over his shirt. He’s cute and ultimately more fun to be around than snooty old Oscar, but he doesn’t have a whole lot to say and he might enjoy the smell of gasoline on his fingers just a little too much. How else do you explain things like Tom Cruise, who yelled and swore his way through Tropic Thunder like a bloated Frank T.J. Mackey, getting a nomination for Best Supporting Actor? Or Meryl Streep getting nominated for both Doubt and Mamma Mia? How about Charlie Kaufman not getting a nomination for best screenplay, director or film? Or James Franco getting nominated for best actor for Pineapple Express?

At the same time, the little mouth-breather pulled some ballsy moves. Some of the most talked about movies out there were snubbed for best picture, including Milk, Doubt, Wall-E, Dark Knight and The Wrestler in exchange for less flashy films like The Reader and Happy-Go-Lucky. Another striking omission? Clint Eastwood. The man has two films out which should be perfect bait for awards, and got no director or picture nominations. And I’ll bet he’s pissed.

Anyway, that’s about all there was that was interesting. They air on January 11th, 2009. I’ll probably watch them. But seriously, you don’t have to. You really probably shouldn’t encourage this kid.


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It’s been a while, but there’s lots to talk about

Check it!

Check it!

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MillerCoors finally decided to discontinue 1990s drink phenomenon, Zima, pulling the fruity alcoholic beverage off shelves across America. For good. ::Sobs:: Actually, I’ve never tried Zima, since I was about 10 during its peak. But I remember hearing jokes about the product and knowing that, even at age 10, no one should ever be seen drinking it in public.

Anywho, if there’s anyone out there who wishes to taste Zima or secretly loved it, you can sign a petition to bring that shit back. I signed it. Because I care.

(To the layperson: Zima was pretty much the pioneer for beer and hard liquor substitutes, think Smirnoff Ice and Bacardi Breezers. Also, I believe part of Zima’s appeal was its color: clear. I think its unveiling must have been during the Crystal Pepsi days.)


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Vanity Fair Blogger

Vanity Fair blogger, Jim Windolf, wrote a blog post titled “Blog Stuff I’m Sick Of” where he listed his top ten blog annoyances:

1. “Also?”
2. Muppets
3. Dumb comments
4. Cupcakes
5. “But!”
6. Long analyses of
Gossip Girl, Mad Men, The Hills
7. Best. [Insert Noun Here]. Ever.”
8. Lists
9. Strong opinions on small things
10. Gratuitous links that go nowhere

I find #8 interesting given the format of this post – a list. But I guess Windolf was being facetious. And annoying

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While I will be waiting until the end of the year or January to create a Best of 2008 list, I feel pretty confident that I am not going to see movies worse than these in the next month (G-d willing). Just to be clear, there were plenty of movies I did not see over the year. Had I seen everything, this list would undoubtedly look very different (and most probably include The Hottie and the Nottie and Beverly Hills Chihuahua). These are movies that I saw on purpose and now wish that I had a time machine so that I could go back and slap the studio executive who green-lit these projects in the nuts.

Step Brothers – I don’t hate Will Ferrell movies nor do I hate John C. Reilly (in fact, sometimes I love him). So why did I so dislike this movie? Because I’m guessing that this is what the whole screenplay looked like:


John C. Reilly and Will Ferrell shout at each other for two hours while wearing tight 80’s band tee-shirts. At some point, Will Ferrell shows his nut sack.


Prom Night – I’ve written about this once on this blog, but just to reiterate. I was drunk. Quite drunk. I’m pretty easy to entertain when I’m drunk. I was wasted once in Canada and watched a three hour marathon of Dog The Bounty Hunter without batting an eyelash. But Prom Night was seriously terrible. I’ve come to expect certain things from slasher movies, and thus was ready to forgive the terrible acting and writing. But I’ve also come to expect things like gore, suspense and nudity. None of those were in this either. I never had an official prom, but from what I’ve never heard, most of them are a lot like this movie: no one gets laid, and no amount of booze can hide how bored everyone is.

Sex and the City – I still think I was drugged with mimosas and beers, but somehow I ended up seeing this movie. I understand that I’m not the right demographic for this film, but I usually recognize that and manage to have an okay time. I could not do that here. First of all, the movie was two and a half hours long. And as far as I can remember, the show used to be mildly funny. The only time I laughed during this movie was when a character literally shits herself, which isn’t exactly on par with the at-times witty dialogue from the television show.

The X-Files: I Want to Believe – I can’t tell you how much it saddens me to put this film on my worst of 2008 list, but it has to be done. This movie sucked. As a huge fan of the television show and the first movie, this was probably the biggest disappointment of the year for me. Not only was the story-line so forgettable that I honestly can’t remember it here (something about a pedophile priest and harvesting body organs – or was that my dream last night?), but the dialogue between the two agents was laughably bad.  I honestly hope that they put this to rest now, like they should have after the series lost David Duchovny.

And finally,

The Happening – The worst movie I saw this year. I would’ve gotten more out of a David Lynch movie if it were in Aramaic and I was blind and being spun in circles while being pelted with whiffle ball bats. I would try to summarize the plot, but I really have no idea. Just don’t see it.

And now, onto some special awards:

So Bad It’s Actually Kind of Good: Doomsday. Seriously, they’re in the future and then they’re in a Mad Max style post apocalypto with dudes with mohawks and guns and then suddenly they’re in medieval England. How? Fucked if I know. But it was seriously entertaining.

Worst Date Movie: Teeth. If ever you have to go on a date with someone that you don’t ever want to sleep with (or see ever again), take them to this.

Worst Title: Made of Honor. Seriously, I still don’t really get it.

Worst television reality drama disguised as a documentary: American Teen. As far as semi-scripted reality television goes, this wasn’t that bad. But seriously, a documentary? Come on.

Worst Title: Midnight Meat Train. No one heard anything about this movie in 2008. Why? Because they probably thought it was gay porn.

Worst experience buying tickets at the movie theater box office: Fighting with the ticket lady about how to pronounce Synecdoche, New York.

Worst looking movie that I still sort of want to see: Death Race. Is it weird that I want to see Jason Statham in everything?

Worst looking Nicholas Cage movie in a string of really bad looking Nicholas Cage movies that I will never see: Bangkok Dangerous.

Worst case of judging a movie by its plot: Flash of Genius. It’s about the guy who invented windshield wipers. I fell asleep just writing that last sentence.

And that’s all for this shitty ones. Come back later in the year when we celebrate the best of 2008!

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October 15, 1992, the universally known and feared School Picture Day.  Somehow your bangs know and perversely exploit this, and in an affront to your dignity and understanding of gravity, are vertically frozen, making you look like Stephanie Tanner parked in front of a jet engine.  You are planted under the bed, screaming that you would rather have “No Picture Available” in your yearbook than an image of your unruly cowlick framed for posterity. 

Friend, you are not alone.  In a heartening reminder that vanity never goes away, it just gets more unreasonable, former New York governor Mario Cuomo has for the past 14 years failed to sit for his official governor’s portrait, to hang in Albany.  He has in the past claimed that the practice is pompous, and has refused on the grounds that he has no interest in posing.  Consistent with his refusal to unlock the bedroom door and come out from under the bed, Cuomo had no comment for the article.  I would offer to speak to him, but I think it would be cold comfort to remind him that being bald means you don’t have bangs.   

My hair looks like elephant ears

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