9:06 PM: FUCK YEAH NEW YORK!!!
That is all.
8:53 PM: Speaking of the O.C.
Speak of the devil! Apparently Rachel Bilson, cutie patootie, will be in a new movie called ‘Jumper.’ I like her. I also like this talking baby in the Etrade commercial. I think that the 2 words ‘talking baby’ pretty much sums up everything that I want in my media.
8:51 PM: Keep the Fire Burning
The sourpuss coach of the Pats is named Belichik (or something like that) and his name makes me think about Vorcheck, that guy from the 3rd season of the OC who loved and then killed poor tortured Marissa Cooper. Never forget.
8:34 PM: Our Great Melting Pot
There’s been a bunch of salesgenie commercials so far and they all feature a pronounced foreign accent. I’m not gonna lie – when I first hear a panda with an over-the-top Chinese accent, I bristle a little. But maybe they’re the forward thinkers and I’m the old fashioned stodge?
P.S. Shaq on a horse! Hilarious.
8:11 PM: Tom Poopy and the Buttmunchers
The guy from the Counting Crows is now the guitar player for Tom Petty and just did a face-melting guitar solo during which he shook his head at the camera, as if he couldn’t believe his own awesome skillset. Now they’re playing ‘I Won’t Back Down’ and it sounds nice. There are some kinds of sweet white people in tube tops cheering in the pit below. There’s a solid number of girls shaking it, in blatant defiance of his slow-rocking tunes, as if to say “Don’t doubt me. I can dance sexy to ANYTHING.” They have a nice selection of neckwear on, between all the members of the band. A floaty scart, an ascot, a traditional tie. Excellent. Before he went on, I was having a fantasy that during ‘Free Falling’ Tom Petty would fall off the stage. It can still happen. I’ll let you know. ….. Not yet. But the guy from the Counting Crows is sporting a killer double-necked guitar, and I am excited for his hand to free fall from the top neck to the bottom. His face does look nice, though. In all seriousness.
8:41 PM: No Fat Kids
An animated short of Tom Brady helping a kid run so he won’t be fat. Looks like they got the same animator as my VHS of the New Kids on the Block: Shiek of My Dreams. Oh shit, gotta go… Justing Timberlake’s being dragged and flung across the city!
7:38 PM: Aslan
Prince Caspian commercial. I lose my shit.
7:37 PM: Celebs
A rundown of the celebs they’ve shown in the boxes so far: Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey look normal, except for her rhinestoned and bra strap-bearing shirt. Pamela Anderson who covers her face with her hair when they show her – because she’s like, too famous and she doesn’t want to detract from the action on the field? Get over it PamAn. Gisele, the girlf to the Pat’s QB. Downing her wine in one fell swoop. She’s all, hockey is so boring. Why am I here? But at least it’s better than being at that world eco-boring conference with Leo. Ugh.
7:15 PM: When’s Halftime?
Bridgestone presents: The Halftime Show. At Halftime. Thanks for the update, guys!
7:01 PM: Handsome QBs
For those of you who don’t know, QB is what the cool kids call quarter backs. They are not some kind of sick relation to hunchbacks, but in fact the most handsome and clever players on the field. Both the Patriots and the Giants have handsome-faced QBs but as I personally find butt-chins morally objectionable, I have to declare Eli Manning, the Giants’ QB the victor over the Pats’ Tom Brady.Also, I’m learning how football is actually played: the QBs are only on the field when their team is on offense – that is, trying to score.
The most handsome and clever QB ever.
6:56 PM: Jordin Suxx
Her makeup looks like a drag queen. Not in the good way. And, was she lipsynching too? Mooseknuckle says yes.
6:55 PM: What is Paula Wearing
Three and half minutes away from the end of the first quarter I’ve decided that the best way I can take an active part in this historic American event is to write stupid shit about it. First. The pregame show. WTF Paula and Randy? What the shit was that hat? It was like in my 5th grade talent show (which I emceed, thank you ver much) when all the teachers and principal donned tuxedo shirts and sparkly top hats and sang and danced. Paula channeled that spirit in her weird robot-ey voiced performance.She and Randy are releasing an album?? I am so so behind a revival of ‘Opposites Attract’ and ‘Straight Up Now Tell Me,’ but that crappy song they were lipsynching to was crappy. Craptastic.