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Archive for the ‘Across the Universe’ Category

I haven’t seen everything I want to see this year (which is why I’m holding off on the top ten films of 2007) but I can confidently say that these were the worst. I don’t mean worst in the Norbit sense either. These are the films that could have been great or interesting, but ultimately sucked.

Across the Universe: I’ve already expressed how much I hated this movie once on this blog, but here it is again. A collection of 60’s cliches, hammy dialogue and poor acting, Julie Taymor’s Across the Universe is an embarrassing piece of work in an otherwise solid career. Honestly, if hippie culture was anything like this, maybe Nixon was right.

The Brave One: This movie really should have been called Jodie Foster Kills New York. Not only is this film bizarrely inaccurate (apparently you can’t walk two blocks in Manhattan without being raped and killed) but it was also just poorly executed. By the end it has dissolved into such a shitty action movie that Jodie Foster literally looks at one of her victims and says “Now who’s the bitch?”

Death at a Funeral: It seems Frank Oz wrote this script, realized it didn’t have a personality, and then injected the personalities of other farces right into it. Between the tired “guy trips on acid by accident and does crazy things” bit and the ongoing panic joke that Peter Dinklage is a gay midget (he’s gay and small! Get it?), I was ready for this movie to end within ten minutes of sitting down.

Smokin’ Aces: My expectations weren’t particularly high for this film. I was a fan of Joe Carnahan’s Narc a few years ago, and while Smokin’ Aces looked like another Quentin Tarantino rip-off, I thought he might be able to bring something fun and original to the table. Instead of a fun shoot-em-up movie however, Carnahan actually asked us to give a shit about these characters. Oh yeah, and there’s a plot. Who the fuck does this guy think he is?

Zodiac: While director David Fincher deserves praise for this tireless research and accuracy, he seems to have forgotten that he was making a movie and not a recreation of a crime for Court TV. I saw this with several friends and I’m pretty sure we all fell asleep. Fine, maybe we were kind of drunk.

Worst Casting: John Travolta in Hairspray. Travolta looked terrifying and sounded like a drunk, southern drag-queen trying to do a Dr. Evil impersonation while swallowing marbles.

Worst use of CGI: I Am Legend. This film had me going until I got my first glimpse of the crazy zombie (not vampires like in the book) “infected” bad guys. It gave the film a cartoonish vibe that ruined all of the suspense that followed.

Worst Amount of Product Placement: Transformers and Disturbia. Shia LaBoeuf had a big year with two blockbuster films. He also managed to promote a shitload of products in these films. After watching Transformers and Disturbia I had this weird urge to drive my Ford truck to Bed Bath and Beyond while listening to music that I downloaded on iTunes.

Worst Advertising Campaign: Good Luck Chuck. I remember walking out of my apartment hungover one morning and almost vomiting at the sight of a half-naked Dane Cook with a shit-eating grin on his face.

Worst Movie Featuring a Good Performance: Alpha Dog. Justin Timberlake made Alpha Dog, Nick Cassavetes’ poorly written juvenile crime drama, almost worth watching. Almost. While Emile Hirsch did his best Fred Durst impersonation and Ben Foster pretty much let the throbbing veins in his head do the acting for him, Timberlake came through with a sincere and powerful performance. Call me crazy, but I think the kid’s going to be big.

Worst Historical Representation: 300. Did you know that Xerxes was a ten foot tall trans-gender alien who sounded like Mr. T? Or all Persians are freakish, scarred creatures who like to experiment with their sexuality? Thanks for the history lesson 300!

Worst Film Title: Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium. I don’t think a film title has ever made me want to strangle a puppy as much as this one.

Worst Looking Movie That I’m Still Weirdly Excited to See in the New Year: I Know Who Killed Me. Lindsay Lohan as a stripper? Okay. A weird double personality plot? I’m with you. Clones and robot arms??? Holy shit. It may not have been a good year for LiLo, but at least she can rest assured that stoned college kids will be watching this movie for years to come.

I’ll be back soon with the best of the best of 2007!

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Washington Post reports that “Jet From Supermassive Black Hole Seen Blasting Neighboring Galaxy”.

The very first line of the article tells us that this is “an act of galactic violence…”

 Holy shit! Is this how they sneak it in, under the radar, that we’re not only in an unwinnable war against terrorism, but an INTERGALACTIC WAR too??? Let’s read on.

“What we’ve identified is an act of violence by a black hole, with an unfortunate nearby galaxy in the line of fire,” said Dan Evans, the study leader at the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics in Cambridge. He said any planets orbiting the stars of the smaller galaxy would be dramatically affected, and any life forms would likely die as the jet’s radiation transformed the planets’ atmosphere.

Um, OK Dan Evans. So what we learned from the above paragraph is:

  1. A distinguished astrophysician describes this as an act committed by a BLACK HOLE. Like, it decided to do this. Is he relying on the fact that we KNOW that black holes are prescient? Is this how he’s slyly telling us what the government already knows? Hmmm….
  2. Any life forms would likely die as the jet’s radiation transformed the planets’ atmosphere…. there are likely other forms of life in other galaxies? Fascinating!
  3. This could happen to our galaxy?

 castle-sky.jpg

The extinct space-ilization I plan to discover in my career as a cosmonaut.

If a jet were to hit Earth, Evans said, it would destroy the ozone layer and collapse the magnetosphere that blankets the planet and protects it from harmful solar particles. Without the ozone layer and magnetosphere, he said, much of life on Earth would end.

Merry Christmas!

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