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Archive for the ‘Fashion’ Category

I went into H&M in all seriousness. I wanted a cheap dress. That I liked. But the thing is, I think there is some kind of nefarious shit going on. I think that most dresses that I would actually want to buy are priced above $40. And if I’m looking to spend above $40 I’ll go somewhere that is not H&M. That is for sure.

So what are we left with, in the below $40 bracket? Some of this stuff…

On this yucky rainy day I bring you the next installment of H&M: Good Enough for Madge, Good Enough For You?

(The first installment is here.)

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 This one was up on a really high rack, like they didn’t expect anyone to actually get it down. When I was standing on my tiptoes to knock the edge of the hanger, I got a few looks. Maybe it was the BO, maybe not. We’ll never know.

(ha! BO jokes. classic.)

This was comfortable, fine, whatever. My issue comes, obviously, with the giant bow across the tits. I feel like giant bows have been consistently derided in celebrity fashion for a few seasons now. Which makes it exactly the right time for H&M to incorporate the look into its ready-to-wear? I don’t know. I’m not ready for it, though.

Let’s move on.

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Oooh. Now, this. THIS I can feel good about. How can I describe the secret, dare I say naughty (ew) thrill I felt when I picked these up? These are NOT your 6 year old-self’s overalls, I’ll tell you that much. I did not include a butt shot because it was too lewd. These were tight. And wide legged. At the same time. Modern science. Amazing.

Let’s try it another way, shall we? 

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Yes! Hello, Kelly Kapowski! I knew you were in there somewhere.

 It’s nice to see you again.

Why, yes, I have lost weight. How nice of you to notice.

Your hair is looking especially lustrous, also. I knew not to believe those cocaine rumors.

Oh! Thanks! Do you like them? Do you think I should buy them? You know, they remind me of you.  I feel… powerful in them.

Oh, OK. I understand. The week after Easter is a busy time for all of us. Believe me. I mean, I believe you.

Call me!

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I’m happy for H&M that they’re experimenting with organic cotton, but does it have to look so much like it’s made out of organic cotton? 

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This dress, in case you can’t tell, is covered with fringe. Actually, to be precise, it’s covered with little loops of poleyester thread. So if you wanted it to be true fringe, you’d have to take a blade to it. But why would you want to do that? It’s so handsome, as is. 

I took a video of this dress, because, as you may know, fringe is a dish best served IN MOTION. But I couldn’t email it off my phone. So here’s the next best (actually, much much better) thing:

Talk about fringe!!

Actually, when I was leaving the dressing room I saw a very chic looking lady holding this dress, waiting to try it on. Huh.

Anyway…

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Look at this, huh? Look closer:

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Weird. I ran out of words.

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One of the (many) perks of working (literally) in a supply closet is that no one notices when I’m here and when I’m not. So I may tend to take a long lunch. I may tend to amble around the many retail shops gracing this fine neighborhood trying on stupid shit. Here, let’s go do it together!

 Ah, H&M. The top of the line of bottom of the line stuff. Above Forever 21, below most everything else, and very near and dear to my heart.

But it’s too easy to sit back and bask in the low-priced, poorly-threaded glory that is H&M. Isn’t it a lot more fun to find the ugliest clothes they have and talk about them? Yes, I think so too. Here we go!

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OK, I was actually trying this on in all seriousness. A searsucker mini-skirt? For $10? Fantastic! But then I saw them, um, suspenders. Now you can see them too. As useless as they look, they are actually useful. This ill-fitting skirt would probably not stay up very well without them. As they were, there was a disturbing breeze running in at the top of the waistband. No thanks, H&M. What else you got?

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 Ha! This one is just hilarious. What you can’t see in this photo is the exquisite attention to detail. The top is seamed like an old-fashioned bra, creating a look that is both constructed and smooshing, constricting and unflattering. The skirt is, um, empire-waisted seafoam green diagonally-layered rayon. Unlined. You’re right though. It needs a little something……

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Ah ha! Perfection.

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This was the real winner of the outing. Even if it was consistent in color, it was a veritable wonderland of tactile sensations! A macramed top. A ripstop nylon skirt with elastic AND drawstring at the top AND bottom!!! The top – I mean, I don’t even know what to say. It is shit ass ugly. It’s one thing to see shirts like this in pictures of my parents from the 60s and be like – well, yeah, you guys were proud of your macrame skills and you were sticking it to the man and stuff…. But to purchase it in a modern-day retail establishment… I just don’t know. The skirt – basically, it was what Colonel Mustard would buy for his wife to wear to their first rave once he’s finally convinced her to try E.

In conclusion, maybe it’s just because fashion week is here and I’m a little caught up in the glamour and excitement of it all, but to me there’s nothing better than trying on a lot of clothes and making fun of them. Except maybe getting a new president.

 And now we can do both! Huzzah.

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The Bust Magazine sponsored winter-time craft spectacular, Craftacular, is always a good time. Some big space filled to the brim with feather-haired, swoopy-banged, floppy ankle-booted, line drawing of animal-loving girls and their crafts! And DJs and drinks.

And, this year, Amy Sedaris signing copies of her last year hit “I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence.”

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A nice antidote to Union Square’s repetition, and your church fair’s crappiness, the Bust Craftacular is the best place to pick up:

  • Hand screened ties for the to-cool-for-corporate office worker man in your life
  • Tender note cards with pictures of pirates on them for your long distance friend partner
  • Baby onesies with rakishly ironic slogans on them, or befuddlingly ironic-or-not tye-dye and batik designs for… well, you know, babies
  • And much much more.

So, I’ll see you, and your friend’s girlfriend who hand-stuffs her own monster dolls, there!

When? Saturday, Dec. 8th, 10AM-8PM

Where? Metropolitan Pavilion, 125 W. 18th St. (between 7th & 8th Ave.), South Slope, Brooklyn

What? Bust Craftacular

Why? Because you will spend your holiday money on crap, so it might as well go to young, cute, independent artists’ crap

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I am a big fan of many of NY Mag’s online features… they help me find things like restaurants, stores, and things that I should or should not approve of.

I just tried out one of their newer features, the Shop-o-Matic. Right away, I like that it sounds like a Dr. Seuss invention, if Dr. Seuss were motivated by capitalism rather than love and friendship.

So since NY Mag is (thankfully) motivated by capitalism and that urge to spendspendspend!! their Shop-o-Matic provides us the opportunity to ogle this season’s exciting designs without leaving the comfort of our (my) home (cubicle).

You can view 114 women’s coats as a slideshow, and what I didn’t realize at first is that the price goes from low to high. So at the beginning I’m saying hey, I didn’t know Target had such a good looking coat for $90….

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And then with each successive click I’m saying huh.. I wish I had $325 to spend on this coat….

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And then is starts getting into the realm of things where it’s the coats that don’t even have price tags on them in the store, because blah blah blah if you have to ask then you can’t afford it.

And you know what? I learned a valuable lesson. I learned that sometimes clothes, like people, are ugly no matter how much money they are worth.

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$2,895 will get you the sleeves to end all sleeves.

 

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$16,800 will get you Oscar de la Renta’s grandma’s coat.

So, thank you NY Mag for reminding me that though I am still alternating between my $35 Old Navy jacket from 2004 and my dad’s old down vest with a snap missing and the fluff coming out, I am still looking better than some crazy lady in a chinchila-lined coat.

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This Just In

Neck ties are “the Wes Anderson of the accessory world.”

Thanks, New York Times.

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