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Tonight, we have the Top 10 Men singing ’70s hits. Yawn. I’m liveblogging anyway because I’m bored and feeling twitchy. And as my roommate can attest, I take any excuse possible not to wash dishes.

I present, American Idol season seven, week two, night one: “Rock is like an attitude. It’s not something you have to prove.” (Randy)

Michael Johns

First guy, you had a really rough time until you got to the chorus and remembered it from a Ford commercial in like 1997. I mean, I would be nervous too, if I were you.

I didn’t hear what any of the judges said because I was washing dishes.

Jason Castro

I think you’re white and you have dreads – this is a huge initial flaw. You should look into this. But you have a cute face, you play guitar, and you have an okay voice. You’ll go far, little ethnically questionable boy from Dallas.

Randy suggests that if you take away his guitar, he wouldn’t be that good. I agree. Paula just vomited on herself.

Luke Menard

OMG – you are currently in an alarmingly popular a cappella group. I like that. And he’s singing Queen. Eek, that was a hard high note for you. But if you’re getting all up in Freddie Mercury’s shit, you should goddamn know better.

Future Idolers, you all should only sing Queen songs (but have them arrange the really high notes out of them) because everyone sounds awesome singing them. They are uniformly not boring.

Randy said he sang a tough song (haha – and said “wheelhouse”). Uh, duh. Thanks Randy. Go eat some wings.

Simon scolded the crowd for booing him. I wonder if he gets into like really nasty dom/sub play when he gets home. I don’t know if he’d be creepier as an austere mistress or a leather-clad weepy crawler. I’ve been listening to too many Savage Love podcasts.

robbie.jpgRobbie Carrico

Whoa, Robbie! Stars don’t have hair like that. Fix it! Now!

Ugh, well your car racing hobby (Robbie) certainly explains the bandana/Axl Rose hair.

Let’s see how you sing.

Ew. Hot Blooded? Foreigner? You nasty. Just give up now. You’re giving America herpes through the TV screen. I don’t even have HD and I’m worried about my sexual health right now.

Why will Paula stand up for literally anyone? Why doesn’t she have standards? It’s like she LIKES herpes. And Simon likes it. What the fuck is going on here?

Danny Noriega

This kid is like the bitchy David Alchuleta. It’s important not to confuse these two. They are both tiny little boys, but one is good and one is evil. This one’s evil. And gay. And not in the way I like.

He kind of looks like those Japanese school girls with like, the SERIOUS hair cuts and weird clothes. They can probably sing better than Danny though.

The judges seem to like how he sings. They’re telling him to think less. I don’t think that’s possible.

David Hernandez

David’s got a sexy walk. I wish I didn’t have such a fuzzy picture so I could see if he was hot.

He’s definitely doing the best of anyone so far. Those fucking background singers sound flat as always. That must be hard to sing with.

Holy ass. The last 5 words of that song were spectacular. He wins. Randy agrees. Paula agrees (of course). Simon agrees. They should hire me to work on this show.

Jason Yeager

You’re incredibly bad. Not six notes in the song and you’ve already squashed my will to live. How does it feel to be so powerful?

Also, performance-wise, he has a significant gesturing problem. Seriously, way too much dude. Nice ass though. Randy is not impressed. Mildly offended that he chose the Doobie Brothers. Simon says, “awkward and ordinary…it’s like you were drunk at a party.” Seacrest is appaled at Simon’s tactlessness.

Chikezie

Good performance so far, despite the ridiculous back-up singers. They should be fired.

Yeah, he’s a really great singer, but I think he might be cursed with a face too ugly to win American Idol. He has a radio face, if you know what I mean.

Randy’s right though. He does have a sense of ease and humor about him. Simon refuses to pronounce his name right. That might be just as hurtful as saying he’s too ugly to win Idol.

david_c.jpgDavid Cook

“I’m kind of a geek for vocab.” Hah – and then they do a montage of him saying big words. American Idol, you’re totally retarded.

Not a bad voice. For, like, Bon Jovi.

I was wondering what he was going to do with that guitar strung around his neck. He played a 4 second solo. It just doesn’t look cool enough to warrant that. And then he threw his pick into the audience. The judges enjoyed his performance. Simon thinks he’s a pussy because he likes crosswords. Ooh and he just talked back! Hisssss…

And by the way, he needs a new official picture. Stat.

David Archuleta

Goddamn it. He’s too cute. Oh Jesus. And he’s singing “Imagine.” But he’s murdering the arrangement. I’ll reserve my judgement till the end, hoping for the best.

That was so good. He’s the Barack Obama of American Idol Season Seven. He is going to pwn everyone else so fucking bad.

Paula wants to “squish you, squeeze your head off and dangle you from [her] rearview mirror.” She’s probably on drugs, no?

david_a.jpg
Yes you are.
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