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Archive for the ‘valentine’s day’ Category

I made these in 2005 during an Environmental Economics class. Now, they are for you to share and share alike! Enjoy…

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The rest after the jump…

(more…)

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It’s Valentine’s Day. Here is your tipsheet on Most/Least Romantic Spots in Brooklyn.

Stone Gazebos at Grand Army Plaza

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  • Most Romantic when: during a twilight stroll your beloved pulls you into the privacy of the gazebo for a surprise smooch.
  • Least Romantic when: during a twilight solo stroll a stranger pulls you into the privacy for a surprise sodomy.

Dumont in Williamsburg

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  • Most Romantic when: you and your beloved enjoy delectable food and cocktails in a cozy, dimly lit environ.
  • Least Romantic when: your beloved confirms his/her suspected lactose intolerance with a dish of Dumont’s famous macaroni & cheese. You wait it out, stacking the melting ice cubes in your glass.
    • NOTE: Least Romantic scenario may happen at one of any number of dairy-serving romantic restaurants. Diner beware. 

 Roller Skating in Crown Heights

  • Most Romantic when: your beloved is actually Bow Wow and he has choreographed a special roller-dance dedicated to you, which he performs on the floor at Empire Roller Rink.
  • Least Romantic when: you go to Empire and then remember that it closed a year and a half ago.

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It was so awesome!

Ice Skating in Prospect Park

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  • Most Romantic when: your beloved is actually Sergei Grinkov and you are Ekaterina Gordeeva!
  • Least Romantic when: you fall through the ice and no one saves you. You become a ghostly spectre that forever haunts the Carriage House.

Role-Playing LOTR in Your Apartment (if you live in Brooklyn, that is)

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  • Most Romantic when: you are open to basking in unabashed man love. 
  • Least Romantic when: NEVER NOT ROMANTIC.

 

Coney Island

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Photo by Oneiroi

  • Most Romantic when: you snag a cart on the Wonder Wheel and make out with your beloved.
  • Least Romantic when: a carnie stows away in your cart and has his/her way with you.
    • NOTE: Least Romantic scenario may in fact turn into Most Romantic scenario, contingent upon teeth, smell, size of hands of carnie.

The Promenade at Brooklyn Heights

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Photo by Oneiroi

  • Most Romantic when: you are listening to Sufjan Stevens, writing in your journal, overlooking the city, pondering the twee-ness of it all, when your soon-to-be beloved’s pet bulldog starts humping your leg. Romance ensues.
  • Least Romantic when: you are listening to Sufjan Stevens, writing in your journal, overlooking the city, pondering the twee-ness of it all, when somebody’s pitbull starts biting your face. Bloodloss ensues.

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Besides watching failed movie attempts by my erstwhile childhood tv shows, another important activity to keep me busy during long days In The Closet is NY Mag’s Shop-A-Matic. Now it has set its sight on VD, and I, my sights on a few of the specific gifts within.

Their first suggestion:

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Sexy! Paddles that will leave your beloved’s posterior emblazoned with hearts. Spank your way to seduction. Oddly, they are being sold as ‘stencils’ by Crate & Barrel. What? Well, that’s OK. At $4 for a pack of 3, it is probably the cheapest item at Crate & Barrel AND way cheaper than anything you’d find at a sex shop.

Moving on…things get real bad real fast.

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For $50 you can buy your beloved $6 worth of crap. Did Moschino shoplift this from Claire’s? Because I can relate. I have not not ever shoplifted a set of 4 hoop earrings of various sizes from Claire’s.

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Now, I can speak from personal experience on this one. A shirt that says, in public, what you and your beloved say in private is…. not that good of an idea. This shirt is more stupid looking than most other shirts on the market today.

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This is one of my favorites not because it’s a relatively cute babydoll, but because of it’s name. It’s called “Ephemeral Promises.” That’s like, the name of the design. I feel like nothing will ruin a romantic evening/relationship/war abroad like promises that were ephemeral. Oh baby, you thought I promised to love and cherish you? That promise is so…. you get the picture. It also really makes me think about young, conservative Christian couples struggling to hang onto their virginity. Who are those ephemeral promises to? But anyway. Too much Savage Love is making me think about conservative Christian teens TOO OFTEN.

Ahem. Moving on!

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These belts are stupid looking. And not even in style! But I include them because of their absurd price. $110. Um, have these people ever been to Hot Topic?

Some of us are lucky enough to have friends whose names rhyme with shmeckbesbee who perhaps used to work at Shmot Shmopic and perhaps scored us a white studded belt on a discount. A discount from the full price. Which was decidedly NOT $110.

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OK, finally, we come to an ugly, overpriced slipper. Though, I guess, what does a Playboy Bunny get for the man who has everything? I could definitely see Hef rolling in these badboys. The writing on your shoes/feet as seen from above is an appealing concept. Miranda July did it in “Me, You, and Everyone We Know.” Below, my friend Nick, a talented photographer, does it even better:

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