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Archive for the ‘Sports’ Category

Celebrate April Fool’s Day by flinging balls around!

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Check out Selena Roberts’ piece on the Yankees dropping Torre. She describes the team’s management as “pinstriped nesting dolls of incompetence.” I knew the fans would be total irrational shitboxes regarding the Yankees’ loss to the Indians, but, like, the owners? They’re going to blame this all on Torre?

Money can buy talent, but it can’t buy spirit.

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Now that some time has passed and I’ve taken the proverbial gun out of my proverbial mouth, I’ve started to be able to once again find the good things in every day life. And even though the Mets handed themselves a historically unprecedented tushie-flop out of the playoffs over the last three weeks of the season, September baseball has provided Mets fans with a few things to smile about and a few reasons to continue believing that God, despite it all, continues to be a Mets fan.

I’ll start with the smaller of two miracles which God sent down to cheer up Mets fans in our worst time of mourning since the “let’s trade Scott Kazmir for Victor Zambrano” years. This minor miracle was the putrid, wretched, butt-hole flavored Philadelphia Phillies getting absolutely destroyed in the first round of the playoffs.

This is not really a miracle…the miraculous part is that their unsightly demise came at the hands of another blunder from the post-Bobby Valentine, pre-Omar Minaya era, Mets outcast Kaz Matsui (now the second baseman for the Colorado Rockies). Representing the first thing he’s ever given Mets fans to be happy about, Kaz buried the Phillies with a double, a triple and a GRAND SLAM…and that was all just in Game 2! Overall, he batted .412 with 6 RBIs in the 3-game series (in his career with the Mets he batted .256). Way to go, you adorable, over-priced jerk.

And then of course there’s our old cross-town rivals the Yankees. Now, I don’t hate the Yankees like some other Mets fans do (the “FUCK THE YANKEES” chants are one of my biggest Shea Stadium pet-peeves…but I’ll save my explanation for another off-season post). My interest in the Yankees’ post-season woes has more to do with the religious references I’ve been making.

For anyone who hasn’t heard, one of the reasons the Yankees lost their series against the Cleveland Indians, is that in their second game of the series, up by a score of 1-0 in the 8th inning with arguably their best pitcher (Joba Chamberlain) on the mound, the Yankees were attacked by a swarm of insects.

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WHAT?! Are you kidding me? How can that be real? With the exception of a dove flying in the path of a 100-mph Randy Johnson fastball and EXPLODING and a goose flying into Fabio’s face, I have never heard of a more outrageous animal-related baseball vs. universe freakout in my life (p.s. – I know Fabio’s not a baseball player, but come on, whose day doesn’t get a little brighter remembering that this happened?)

So, yes, apparently the Cleveland Indians and a few Mets and Red Sox fans spoke to a burning bush and, like the tyrannical Pharoah before them, the Yankees were swarmed by a plague of locusts (or something).

So that’s it. See ya later Joe Torre (you’re welcome to become Willie Randolph’s bench coach, in my book). Have a nice retirement, Roger Clemens. Enjoy your money-bin and transvestite prostitutes, A-Rod (what? Yes, I said it.)

The Mets’ season may have ended with a historic collapse, but at least it wasn’t Biblical. Yikes.

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Even though it was devastating to get kicked out of the post-season, the Mets got a little comeuppance this week when God himself rained fire and brimstone upon the Yankees.

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This game, it was insane to watch. Shortly after the flood lights turned on to illuminate a game I couldn’t possibly have cared less about, these disgusting little bugs – “Canadian Soldiers,” according to the announcer – invaded the field. There were millions of them. It looked like it was snowing. Joba Chamberlain, who I hear is generally unflappable, pretty much lost his mind while a layer of bugs landed and remained on his face, neck and hat. Sitting inside, watching on HD, my skin was crawling. Not even a Yankee deserves that.

But anyway, not that that game was related to the Mets at all, but I think that was just God’s way of expressing displeasure at the state of Major League Baseball in which the Mets could fail so miserably.

Undisputed winner: Off! Bug Repellent. I’ve never seen so much free advertising in my life.

Undisputed loser: The Yankees. But even though I hate them, they probably would have won without the bugs.

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