Posts Tagged ‘Royale’

Take Your Child to Work.

Johnbaptisedme: Today is take your child to work day.
Recklesley: Yeah?
Johnbaptisedme: Yeah. Did you bring your kid in?
Recklesley: I’ve got too many. It would be a hassle.
Johnbaptisedme: That’s true. Especially since most of them are inbred.
Recklesley: The ones with cats for faces tend to freak people out.
Johnbaptisedme: And the ones with extra limbs.
Recklesley: Yeah. But I find baggy sweatshirts really help with that.
Johnbaptisedme: You would.


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In order to avoid misunderstandings among friends, I recently went back to Royale to perform some scientific inquiry on its ass. In a previous post, I had professed its awesomeness – with due qualifications – and was brutally shut down. Admittedly, I had visited the bar on the worst possible time to go out in New York, Saturday night. This time, I went to Happy Hour – the best light in which to see a drinking establishment – with the express purpose of collecting numerical data, which I would like to share with you.

The basic assertion that I am challenging is that Welcome to the Johnson’s has the best Happy Hour in the five boroughs of New York City. On a ten point scale, I hearby prove that Royale is a strong contender, if not the unquestionable winner. Please find definitions and measurements below the chart.


DP: Drink Price
As a percentage of hourly pay

DFW: Distance from Work
As a percentage of an hour

C: Crowdedness
As a percentage of the total seats filled in the bar

S: Smell
As a percentage of stink molecules in the air

MV: Music volume
100% = the volume of regular human conversation

AoB: Adorableness of Bartender
As a percentage of ooogie-smoogie-boogums

PoB: Personableness of Bartender
As a percentage of time filled with witty banter

K: Kitchiness
As a percentage of ridiculous things in the bar, like Jenga or family photographs

BS: Bathroom Scariness
As a percentage of bathroom-related nightmares following the drinking session during regular sleeping hours (normally about 13%)

F: Formalness
As a percentage of men present wearing non-ironic ties

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506 Fifth Avenue @ 12th Street
Park Slope, Brooklyn

royale.jpgRoyale might actually be the polar opposite of Jackie’s 5th Amendment. It is a real cool bar. There are no old people here. There are only track jackets and hoop earrings as far as the eye can see.

When Brooklyn Skeptic hit this place up, we were fortunate enough to have staked out a prime piece of real estate in the back room at an enormous booth, only made cozy by the fact that we had seven or eight people sitting in it. From this slightly elevated point, we had a tactical advantage in assessing the crowd. They were, for the most part, very hot. They danced on the tiny, illegal dance floor. They flirted while wearing enormously tall stilettos. They drank Manhattanly-priced drinks. The DJ was wearing an Elmo tee shirt, and that was weird, but notwithstanding… Upon reading that over, the crowd sounds super-douchey and downright Midtown. This is not the case. What I’m trying to say is that this is a cool bar with hot people. They dress well. They dance well. But you don’t get the impression that they’re total assholes. Can you even imagine such a place?

The bouncer, though, made the bar. I loved him. At just a shade over 400 pounds, he perched on a stool just inside the door. He wore a three-piece suit and a fedora. And he had a lapel pin which was – get this – delicate silver handcuffs. He winked at me when I left. Classy!

I hear there’s a good happy hour until 9pm. We’ll check that shit out and get back to you.

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