As you all know, Johnbaptisedme and I are rabid enthusiasts of the ABC primetime phenomenon, Dancing with the Stars. This week, on the season finale of Dance Wars (mediocre, in comparison), they announced the twelve celebrity contestants of Season Six.
Join us as we dissect the contestants in terms of viability, rigor, and lameness.
1. ADAM CAROLLA
Recklesley: I’ve been a fan of Adam Carolla since I had a bed time. He was the co-host of Lovelines, a sex-related radio talk show that replaced Lovephones (another fantastic show) on my favorite radio station in 1998. Well, actually I might have hated him in 1998 because he was a horrible, obnoxious counterpoint to Dr. Drew’s measured reason. Anyway. I also hated The Man Show. So I guess what I’m trying to say that Adam Carolla better fucking step up this season and give me a reason to stop loathing him.
Johnbaptisedme: I used to really dislike Adam Carolla until I found out he’s bff with Jimmy Kimmel, who I like. Then I thought I’d maybe give him a chance. It’s similar to when I thought I hated Norm MacDonald but then in 1999 saw him on an episode of Celebrity “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” and discovered he’s really intelligent. Anyway, I’m predicting Adam won’t be good on his feet.
2. CRISTIÁN DE LA FUENTE
Recklesley: His primary job title is “Latin American Heartthrob.” So I can only imagine that involves a lot of dancing. I predict he’ll be pretty good.
Johnbaptisedme: I don’t know who this man is, but his name reminds me of Daisy Fuentes’.
3. SHANNON ELIZABETH
Recklesley: Shannon Elizabeth plays a slutty American in one of my all-time favorite movies, Love Actually. Despite her hotness, I feel that she will be reasonably uncoordinated and will only make it about half-way through the season. Hot people don’t have any gumption.
Johnbaptisedme: Once upon a time I watched a movie called “Tomcats.” This was the worst movie I had ever seen. Shannon Elizabeth starred in it, and therefore I think she should be voted off the first episode of DWTS.
4. STEVE GUTTENBERG
Recklesley: I can’t believe the guy who invented the printing press is actually alive – and in good enough shape to dance. Oh, the miracle of cryonics!
Johnbaptisedme: I love Steve Guttenberg. He made a really good movie with the Olsen twins called “It Takes Two.” You should netflix it. But just a warning, Kirstie Alley plays Steve’s love interest. Don’t worry though, it was pre-weight gain Kirstie.
Recklesley: You are a mean girl, JBM.
Johnbaptisedme: This is a just statement, but in my defense, Kirstie gained I think somewhere between 80 and 400 lbs within a two year period. NOT that that is bad, well, it sort of is because she was morbidly obese, so she probably faced some health risks such as high cholesterol, blood pressure, etc., but looks wise you’re right, I shouldn’t make fun of her. However, do you remember that show “Fat Actress”? Because that show was about Kirstie Alley. Literally. She was the “fat actress” on “Fat Actress.” Therefore I think my comment was not as terrible as it may have come off as.
And to show how great I think she looks now, here’s Kirstie wearing a bikini on the Oprah show:
Recklesley: I’d hit that.
Recklesley: Who’s his partner? Luigi?
Johnbaptisedme: No, Recklesley. Mario is a current R&B artist. He is in no way associated with that tool, Luigi. Remember how stupid Luigi was in Mario Bros. 2, and how he couldn’t even jump? No matter how hard you pressed the “b” button his player would only rise one millimeter. Frustrating!
6. MARLEE MATLIN
Recklesley: I have no idea who this woman is, but apparently she is 80% deaf. She does not seem to have been employed as a professional dancer at any point in her career, so she will likely be one of the nameless masses who are quickly shed from the show’s roster. Certainly not the first person to go, but it’ll be pretty early on, I would say.
Johnbaptisedme: Actually, Marlee Matlin won an Academy Award in 1986 for a movie called “Children of a Lesser God.” But I mostly know Marlee from her brief stint on “Spin City” and her character on “Seinfeld.” She’s obviously the “Heather Mills” of this season, meaning she’s the constestant who must overcome a physical obstacle. But I like Marlee and I wish her the best of luck.
7. PENN JILLETTE
Recklesley: One of the few ultra conservative comics I can think of. Oneiroi loves this guy. I have a feeling I won’t be watching alone this season.
Johnbaptisedme: Penn is one of the most annoying human beings on earth. I hope he performs a magic trick on the dance floor and accidentally disappears. Forever.
8. PRISCILLA PRESLEY
Recklesley: I guess her musical re-invention didn’t work out so well. What a shame.
Johnbaptisedme: Weird. Priscilla Presley. Naked Gun.
9. MONICA SELES
Recklesley: This totally jacked, superstar athlete will probably take over Laila Ali’s fan base. I just hope she’s as graceful and awesome as Miss Ali.
Johnbaptisedme: Um, Monica Seles is the tennis player who got stabbed, right? Like, while she was on court? I think that’s her. In any case, sounds like she’s a champion. Maybe she’ll win.
10. JASON TAYLOR
Recklesley: Not Jonathan Taylor Thomas. So, whatever.
Johnbaptisedme: I guess this guy’s a football player. Too bad I have no idea what football is.
11. MARISSA JARET WINOKUR
Recklesley: Marissa is best known for her portrayal of Tracy Turnblad in the Broadway musical, Hairspray. I was slightly disappointed that she is not the cutie pie from the 2007 movie of the 2002 musical of the 1988 movie. Oh well. Seeing as she is professionally employed as a dancer, not unlike Joey Fatone from last season, I think she’ll be pretty good.
Johnbaptisedme: Wait, so is this girl “healthy”? Does she look like Ricky Lake? I mean 200lb Ricky, not 2007 cover of US Weekly “Slimmed Down” Ricky.
12. KRISTI YAMAGUCHI
Recklesley: I’m going to go with Kristi as my initial favorite, having not seen anyone dance yet. All I can remember is how inspirational she was when she got the gold for the good ol’ U. S. of A. in 1992. It was, obviously, the only time in my life I was ever interested in figure skating. So, good luck, Kristi!
Johnbaptisedme: You know, I always thought that Kristi Yamaguchi and Paul Wylie belonged together. Am I alone here?
Okay, I, Johnbaptisedme, just noticed that Maxim Chmerkovskiy, one of the professional dancers, is no longer participating in the program. For those of you who don’t know, which I think is everyone here, Maxim was the best pro dancer on show. And I loved him. He will be sorely missed.
I will find you, love you, marry you and live without shame.
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