Archive for the ‘Hannah Montana’ Category

The world can be a confusing place. Between words and pictures, pictures and words, how are we supposed to interpret everyday happenings? Well, fear not. Brooklyn Skeptic has employed the services of a certified Body Language Expert who is here to answer all of your questions about any given photo from the interweb.

First up? Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus’ “racy” sleepover photos (thank you, ns4w.org)

OK, I guess it is in fact suitable for work.

Brooklyn Skeptic: I’m totally confused. What on earth is going on here?

Body Language Expert: Just calm down there. What’s your first guess?

Brooklyn Skeptic: Well, I guess I’d say it has something to do with the zoo? Or maybe animal rights? That’s a giraffe in there, isn’t it?

Body Language Expert: Close. That’s called a zebra print, and Miss Cyrus is employing what we call a ‘do rag’ to cover her head. Body Language Expertise is all about making educated guesses (hypotheses) and so, being a professional, I’d say that a) Miss Cyrus is a recently married Orthodox Jewish woman who, by religious decree, must cover her head, b) Miss Cyrus has just learned that she was in fact adopted by Billy Ray and that her true parents are zebras, and she’s trying to commune with them, or c) she is covering a Britney-esque crazy-shave job.

Brooklyn Skeptic: Those all make so much sense! You’re amazing at this. What else?

Body Language Expert: Let’s take a look at those eyes. They’re the gateway to the soul, you know.

Brooklyn Skeptic: Soh-owl?

Body Language Expert: Well. Ahem. Anyway, Cyrus’s no-name friend is looking off to the side. This could indicate that she is slightly nervous, or uncomfortable. Her body is physically close to Cyrus, but her eyes are miles away. A more likely scenario, however, is that these kooky little girls dropped some acid earlier and she’s watching little green Shia LaBeoufs made out of marshmallow do a lurid dance.

Brooklyn Skeptic: Fascinating! That sounds delicious. What about the zebra Jew?

Body Language Expert: Well, those are alpha eyes if ever I saw them. Her direct eye contact with the camera says, “I know I’m sexy. I know you want me. Come and get me.” Think Rex Manning in Empire Records. Think Jennifer Biel in that Maxim shoot. Think Osama Bin Laden’s early videos. Or maybe she’s asserting her dominance over the camera and camera operator. If this were a live video we could expect to hear short puffs of air being expressed through her nostrils. Her zebra mommy and daddy would be so proud!

Her pursed lips are reminiscent of late-era Goldie Hawn – I think that they should probably be evaluated by a certified Plastic Surgery Expert, as they do not look capable of expressing any emotions other than ‘pouty gross inuendo.’

Brooklyn Skeptic: You’re a master! Finally, what about her fingers? Has she somehow developed carpool tuna syndrum?

Body Language Expert: You remind me of a young Prince Charles.

Brooklyn Skeptic:

Body Language Expert: The hands of random girl are relaxed, indicating that she is in a relaxed state. Cyrus appears to be flashing some sort of gang symbol. My educated guess (hypothesis) is that she is referring to a secret known only by her and the camera operator – a plot to cut dead into the center of her friend’s chest and pluck out her heart. Her fingers are scissoring slowly but inexorably towards the breastplate, where by sheer force of will and an adamantium fingertip installed by Disney, she will pierce the bone and continue on to the gooey innards.

Brooklyn Skeptic: There you have it, dear readers! Send us your questions for the Body Language Expert and you’ll be curious no more!

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In a move that is totally 2007, the Barack Obama campaign team has set up a social networking site called My.BarackObama.com. You can think of it as Facebook‘s really, really timid cousin. You know, with fewer pictures of underage drunk girls and racist parties.

I, for one, am really happy about the development of this site. It’s another demonstration of Obama’s forward-thinking ways. Not only is he creating a community for his young supporters where they have a safe space to dialogue about their dreams for America, he’s making it just a little easier for me to find a husband.

Now, I like universal health care, peace and unions as much as the next guy. I’ll stand beside Obama as he takes on the Halliburtons and the Rangers and all the other ultra-right-wing organizations. But at the end of the day, I’m looking for one thing from my President and that’s easy access to potential suitors or at least drunken, liberal hook-ups.

I can just picture it now: I log into My.BarackObama.com and see I have a new message from HackeySacks1980. “Hey cutie… U R so liberal. U wanna chill 2nite??!”

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Why do people go to Manhattan clubs? They’re crowded, expensive, and the polar opposite of fun. Not fun. They’re pretty much all awful. Each and every one. But I think the worst might be BLVD. Pronounced “boulevard.” It’s tricky, I know. BLVD is located on Bowery between Spring St. and Hell. But it’s closer to Hell. You’ll see it. It has its minions standing guard outside. They’re not too noticeable at first, looking like typical Manhattan bouncers, however once they speak to you it’s impossible to ignore their satan inspired attitude, and asshole-like faces. Also, try not to look them straight in the eye. You might turn into stone. Or vomit. So best to try to avoid that.

Another reason to hate BLVD is for its dresscode; men are required to wear button up shirts and loafers of some kind. No sneakers. However, the bouncers/doormen are allowed to look as though they spent the early afternoon hours punching their faces in with their own fists, and wear clothes that resemble outfits that could be found at a Mordor tag sale. Justice, where is the justice? And most annoying, BLVD enforces a “no cutting” policy, even if, let’s say, a certain someone (me, perhaps?) was in line with friends but then left to (very quickly) use the bathroom at the Chinese restaurant next door.  Once returning to her original spot, this certain someone would be forced to move to the back of the line.  (That was a true story.) Total bullshit. It’s fine though, Medusa (bouncer’s nickname, by me) received a nice long reprimand afterwards. It went really well. He seemed to really care. Moving along, once inside BLVD’s sneaker-free club, one can enjoy the extremely reasonably priced $8 coat check, $15 drinks, $50 minimum credit card tab, and $25 cover. It’s like heaven on earth.

So, if you’re looking to get into an argument with a bouncer and spend a chunk of your weekly earnings on watered down drinks, well then BLVD is the place to go. And if what you’re searching for is the opposite of that? Well, I say spend your weekends in Brooklyn. Sweet, sweet Brooklyn.

*Note: Author left the BLVD scene shortly after battling it out with Medusa. However, all prices have been confirmed by some friends who decided to stay.

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It’s been brought to my attention that not everyone knows the A+ list celebrities mentioned in the “Guess Who’s Dancin’?” post. To clear up any confusion, I will go through a few of the lesser known, but just as talented, famous contestants competing in this season’s “Dancing With the Stars.”

Ian Ziering: I didn’t realize there were people in this world who wouldn’t recognize that name. Ziering is a Beverly Hills 90210 alum, playing Steve Saunders for 10+ years. If you still don’t know who Ziering is, you really shouldn’t be reading this blog, since you are lame.

Billy Ray Cyrus: Cyrus sang the hit song, “Achy, Breaky Heart” and is most famous for sporting a glorious mullet in the late 90s. Cyrus was also the lead character in the hit TV drama, “Doc,” which reruns regularly on the PAX network. Oh, he’s also Hannah’s father in Disney’s original series, “Hannah Montana.” He might actually be the biological father of the “Hannah” actress. But don’t quote me on that. However, if I’m right, I’m a genius.

Heather Mills: Mills is Paul McCartney’s recently divorced wife. She has a fake leg.

Hope these footnotes helped. If you have anymore questions, look them up on wikipedia.org, lazies.

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