Archive for the ‘L’ Category

Britney, Britney, Britney. I don’t think I can express the depths of America’s sadness when we heard that on February 16th, your hair/sanity passed on. We are truly sorry for your loss, but more so for ours.

You were America’s sweetheart. You wore vinyl jumpsuits, school girl outfits, no underpants, and Justin Timberlake. In short, you were everything we wished we could be. You embodied the dreams of a nation. Your hair/sanity was taken – at your own hands, no less – far too soon.

In recent months, we should have known that something was wrong. Your hair color kept changing and you kept claiming to love K-Fed. It didn’t feel right at the time, but we couldn’t fathom the depths of this kind of depravity. Sure, there are lots of brunettes and all young women chose the wrong guy from time to time. But no, we never should have made excuses for you. It is our fault as much as yours.

I know we were all excited when you dropped Fed-Ex and started partying with Hollywood’s elite – Lohan and Paris. We thought this meant that you were ready to reclaim your throne, making mid-western mothers worry for their 8-year-old daughters’ chastity again. Sometimes you would turn blond again and we were filled with such hope. Oh, Britney. We were fools.

Here we stand now, with your hair/sanity but soothing memory, and we wonder how we will go on.

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On behalf of the entire world, we’d like to wish Abraham Lincoln a happy, happy birthday and to ask him why his last name has that second L in it.

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