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Posts Tagged ‘Bathroom Breaks’

Forget padding box office totals with fuzzy math, purchasing a Toyota Tundra, or stuffing one’s pants with a worn (gently loved) gym sock. If you are a man who craves all natural male enhancement, you should look no further than Phillip’s Bodygroom trimmer/shaver:

Bodygroom

Promising to add a full optical inch, the Phillip’s Bodygroom can be used carefree on one’s kiwis, peach and carrot. I’m relatively uncertain what body part is represented by the peach in the risque commerical for the product, as the only logical equivalent certainly falls far from the tree. In fact, one might say this product raises many more questions concerning body maintenance than it answers.

1. Since the inch gained from use of the Bodygroom is purely optical, doesn’t this just leave room to disappoint rather than overachieve in bed?

2. How can a shaving product be both safe and effective when applied to a man’s most important and sensitive areas?

Mega Mega, a reviewer of the Bodygroom product on amazon.com, provides positive feedback, noting that “the skin irritation was only about one third that of standard Mach 3 shave. The skin irritation was limited to the inner thighs (Shaft, Beanbag, and Starfish showed no signs of irritation)….”

While this praise for the comfort and utility of the Bodygroom was mostly typical of the reviews on amazon.com (along with more inventive pseudonyms for one’s taint and package) one user, J. Wilson, recalls only a moment of pure terror:

“Although the small teeth do not cause large knicks in the skin, they do tend to get caught under flat laying hairs, they then dig into the skin while ripping off large chunk at the same time. This creates a larger and more painful blemish than I have ever experienced with any other product – electric or manual. Blood everywhere.”

3. How long does one get to cherish their optical inch after using the Bodygroom, and will repeated shaving lead to diminishing returns?

Fortunately for the Bodygroom, the verdict on this question is decidedly in favor of shaving. According to the Mayo Clinic, “Shaving hair doesn’t make it grow back thicker. It also doesn’t affect the color or rate of growth. The color, location, thickness and length of hair on your body mainly depend on genetics and hormones. After you shave body hair, it may feel coarse or “stubbly” for a time as it grows out. During this phase, it may be more noticeable – and may appear darker or thicker. But it’s not.”

An update with empirical testing of these questions will be forthcoming, provided that my co-worker and I are still alive.

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Several weeks ago, I unfairly admonished the New York Times for its use of “ginormous” – as in something that is really big – in an article. I would like to rescind my criticism, as the word “ginormous” is, as of today, an actual word.

Of course, it’s actually the Times’ fault that the word is real at all. According to the Associated Press, “Merriam-Webster editors have spotted [“ginormous”] in countless newspaper and magazine articles since 2000. That’s essentially the criterion for making it into the collegiate dictionary — if a word shows up often enough in mainstream writing, the editors consider defining it.”

For those keeping score at this point: New York Times: 1; English language: 0

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The state of New Jersey is worried kids are abusing bathroom privileges during school hours, therefore The Garden State is thinking of instituting scheduled bathroom breaks.

Many moms and dads argue their kids should be able to use the bathroom whenever they want, but some [New Jersey] schools have instituted strict guidelines and protocols limiting bathroom access.”


I know New Jersey isn’t technically in Brooklyn, but I would like to discuss this topic as it is near and dear to my heart. For so many years I felt trapped in the classroom as I dug deep into my soul trying to determine the perfect moment to ask permission to use the lavatory. But the truth is, there never is a perfect moment. Not in Catholic school anyway. Many of those teachers would rather see you wet (or soil) your pants than see you walk out of the room during one of their lectures. Luckily, a few of them got to experience that. And unluckily, so did I. I got to witness others go through the horrors of wetting (and soiling, unfortunately) in front of their peers, that is. (I just wanted to clarify.) Therefore, I strongly encourage children to freely use the bathroom when necessary, without feeling like they’ve committed some misdeed.

“Mike Yaple, a spokesman for the Jersey School Boards Association says this has become an issue because ‘sometimes the bathroom breaks can be abused – sometimes kids will walk the halls, disrupt other classes, go out and smoke, or sometimes even cheat on a test.'”

Ah yes, the ol’ cheat in the bathroom scam. Can’t say I haven’t tried that one before. So I can see why a teacher might feel hesitant in letting a student out during a test. But other than for that reason, I don’t think a child should be restricted from using the restroom during class hours. Unless they’re doing drugs, or performing swirlies on a helpless nerd. But even then, who are we to interfere with the middle school circle of life? Kids will be kids.


I think New Jersey should maybe focus their energy on cleaning up the state, not on figuring out a suitable bathroom schedule. (Living in an apartment that’s surrounded by garbage trucks and the Gowanus Canal, I feel as though I’ve earned the privilege of calling out other stink infested areas.)

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