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Archive for August, 2008

It’s kind of a bummer to be a bat these days.  Bats (Chiroptera) used to have a pretty sweet deal.  They could navigate using the awesomeness that is echolocation, turn into vampires, and frankly scare the shit out of everyone while being no bigger than a fist when freakily hanging upside down.

But things are not looking good for these hairy little monsters.  According to recent studies, bats are getting killed by the Bruce Wayne-ful by wind turbines.  Apparently, when they fly near these airborne killing fields, if they get too close to the negative pressure zone behind the spinning turbine, the decreased pressure in the region causes the blood vessels in their lungs to expand and burst, killing them.  So basically, hippies who support alternative energy are murdering small animals.  Way to go guys.  Next time I’ll think twice when I am asked to go to a pet store with you.  It’d be like My Lai, with puppies.

 

                                         I am an exception to the small = cute rule

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Last night (and the night before) Neil Diamond performed one of four shows at Madison Square Garden. It was a wonderful evening. Here are a few things I learned about the Jewish Elvis.

  • He talks to himself, and refers to himself in the third person. Neil informed us that he will often check himself by shouting out “Hey Diamond!” I can’t wait to find out what he calls his penis (and I will find out).
  • The song “Forever in Blue Jeans” is not about how Neil Diamond is a never-nude.
  • He is not afraid of a little encore…or six. While singing the song Sweet Caroline, towards the end, he warned the audience that it was time for the “last chorus.” The song ended, but then he revived it and informed us again of the “last chorus.” And then it happened again. And again. As this continued, it became less an exciting revival of a classic song, and more a question of whether Neil is going a tad senile.
  • Neil wants to be more than just friends with America. Yes, it’s pretty obvious from his music that Neil likes America. But while watching the video that went along with “Coming to America,” which features people literally getting off “boats and planes,” a bald eagle flying majestically through the sky and a shot of New York with the twin towers still intact and wrapped in an American Flag, you can tell that Neil has a serious boner for the United States.
  • Neil can bring a tear to your eye. Neil brought down the fucking house when he sang Brooklyn Roads. He talked about his family and growing up in working class Brooklyn, saying that he lived there “before it was cool.” Did you hear that Brooklyn? Neil Diamond says we’re cool!
  • Neil Diamond’s fans are feistier than you’d think. Yes, the majority of the crowd there probably heard about the show in their monthly AARP magazines, but there were some younger folks there as well. At the end of the show, a guy climbed up on a table in front of us and got our entire section to shout out “one more song!” over and over again. It didn’t work, but damn did he have enthusiasm.

                            

Anyway, if you have the chance, check out a Neil show tonight or tomorrow night at MSG. Tickets are on sale here.

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On May 21 of this year, President Bush signed into law the Genetic Information Non-Discrimination Act of 2008.  Sponsored by New York’s own Representative Louise Slaughter, the law aims to “prohibit discrimination on the basis of genetic information with respect to health insurance and employment.” 

Sure it soundsgreat, until you find out one of your co-workers is a character from X-men.  And not one of the good ones that will either save the world, or with whom you can engage in witty flirtation (I’m talking to you, Beast.  Growwwwwl).  No, you will instead find out that you work with Mystique, who will disguise herself as a butter knife, then stab you to death when you use her salad dressing without permission.   

Seeing as there was only one dissenting vote, I can only assume that William Stryker has infiltrated Congress.  Or, that Strom Thurman has come back from the dead to embark on a courageous zombie crusade to make mutant the new black. 

 

Stay away from my diet ranch

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