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Posts Tagged ‘vomit’

chickenA bunch of chickens have eaten chicken feed tainted with the industrial chemical melamine, used to manufacture plastic utensils and fertilizer. Gross.

Apparently the feed was partially made from pet food that had ALREADY been recalled because of its taintedness. Gross.

Richard Lobb, a spokesman for the National Chicken Council says to blame China!

“Melamine is not supposed to be in any animal feed, pet food… it’s an industrial chemical and that problem goes back to China where they were deliberately spiking the product with melamine and before that with urea in order to boost its protein content,” Lobb said.

Eww! Urea? That’s nasty. I bet that China’s not the only place where that kind of shit (or piss) happens.

So who is to blame? China? No way. Blame the chicken growers importing their feed rather than feeding the chickens things grown on their own farm. Importing feed, even when it’s not loaded with nasties, is bad a) when its manufacture creates pollution, b) when its shipment creates even more pollution, c) when the chemicals in it make the chicken sick, d) when the chickens get antibiotics to combat the sickness from the tainted feed and our bodies get overloaded with antibiotics, and e) when the people getting rich off of it are the pharmaceutical manufacturers and the industrial feed manufacturers, and farmers are forced to participate in the system even though it is totally f-ed up.

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Hot: Notes on a Scandal. This movie is hot for many reasons, namely for its plot. Cate Blanchett plays an Art teacher who has an affair with her fifteen year old student. Hot. Dame Judy Dench (perfectly) plays a creepy old bag whose obsession with Cate Blanchett’s character is out of control. That’s not so hot, except that it is, because the movie is pretty amazing. And I’m not sure if you’ve seen any previews or clips of Notes, but if you have, you most likely caught the moment where Judy Dench snaps, “You’re not young!” to Cate Blanchett. Classic. And true. I suggest seeing this movie before the Oscars.

Not Hot: Marie Antoinette. Why was this movie made? Because it’s so bad? Is that why? They should stop making movies for that reason. Aesthetically, this movie could not have been better. As an actual film with dialogue, this movie was so not hot. Much, much more could have been done to convey the seriousness of the Fall of Versailles, and the bond between Marie and Louis XVI, played by Jason Schwartzman. Haha. It’s funny because Jason Schwartzman probably sort of looks like Louis XVI. Hot. And while I do loathe Kirsten Dunst (not hot) almost as much as I loathe Andy Samberg (the nottest of the hot), that has almost nothing to do with my harsh critique of Marie Ant. Almost. I am of course human. But I usually like Sophia Coppola’s work and think she’ll do better projects in the future. I just hope they won’t leave me feeling full of rage. Oh, and didn’t Kirsten Dunst and Andy Samberg date? Vomit.

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As I sit and eat my bowl of out-of-season blueberries (it’s okay, I like my fruit tart) I think to myself, Britney, where’s your fucking hair? And why are you so crazy? I am so confused right now. It seems as though Britney was less crazy when she was with K-Fed. Am I wrong? Am I? No, I am not.

Here’s what I want to know: What was Britney thinking when she (literally) gave herself a buzzcut? Who tricked her into believing she had the style/face to pull off a head with no hair? And what was she on? I speculate the Brit was intoxicated with some sort of illegal substance, perhaps a magical pill that causes one to hallucinate he or she is Sinead O’Connor. Or Montell Williams. But, I have to admit, unlike the rest of the world I can, to a certain degree, relate to Britney. Not because I’ve memorized the dance moves to “Crazy” and “Oops I Did It Again,” or have imagined myself walking hand in hand with Justin Timberlake on a white sand beach while white horses gallop freely along the shore, but because from time to time I’ve considered shaving off my own hair. But I don’t ever to through with it, mostly because I have an ill-shaped head, but also because 1) I’m not completely without superficiality, 2) I’m not artistic enough to appreciate myself…in that way, and 3) I don’t think I could pull it off. I would like to think that one day I might be ballsy/confident enough to shave my head, but seeing as how (at the moment) all my friends are shallow, and we all know how influential friends are, I don’t think I will be taking an electric shaver to my head anytime soon. And you know what? I bet Britney’s friends….even shallower than mine. Which means she is obviously going through some sort of nervous breakdown and cannot think clearly. Friends don’t let friends drive drunk. And in a recent interview with her ex-beau, the deadbeat claimed Briney was incredibly insecure (about her looks), and really, really loved sex. One might think that if Brit Brit was feeling down about her bod and face, she wouldn’t have, perhaps, shaved her head, or spent the past few months gorging herself with cheetos and ignoring the treadmill. And don’t get me wrong, I know it’s difficult to go to the gym, as my dust-collecting gym membership card has not been used in the past (lot of) months. But I think, and I might be going out on a limb here, that if I was a millionaire and therefore had the means to hire a personal trainer and chef, I would be motivated enough to step away from processed foods. Although, who knows. Maybe I wouldn’t. Maybe I too would marry a backup dancer, put Stephen Dorff in my music video, have two kids, wear a shirt to the premiere of “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” that said “I have the golden ticket” with an arrow pointing towards my pregnant belly, get divorced, dye my hair black, then bonde, then black again, have lots of threesomes, hang out with Paris Hilton, stop hanging out with Paris Hilton, never see my children, sit in a pile of my own vomit, shave my head and then the next day wear a weird wig with sunglasses, and go mental. May. Be.

I would like to say though, I think Britney Spears needs help. I believe her recent behavior is a reflection of her mental instability, and that nine years of living under a microscope has taken its toll on her. Women in the media are scrutinized more than anyone else, and it’s really no wonder this poor girl has become, like her hit song, crazy. I think we’re all familiar with how deconstructive stardom at a young age can be to a person, and it is our duty to send out positive wishes to our good friend, Britney Spears. I will begin.

Get better soon, Britney. No matter what anyone says about you, I will always remember your performance at the 2001 superbowl. Unstoppable. And hot.

PS. I lied up above. About the blueberries, and how I like my fruit tart. I actually like my fruit to be really sweet (like candy!).

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Britney, where have your clothes gone?

Britney Spears was allegedly caught dancing in her skimpies with several other half naked women in a Manhattan club. She then proceeded to do some body shots and (presumably) made out with them. Sources say she later puked in the back of her limo, and the pile of vomit was somehow captured on film. Yum.

On more shocking note, this morning I found an orange piece of lint clinging onto my black pants. I have no orange articles of clothing. 

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