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Posts Tagged ‘True Blood’

Last night marked the premiere of Brooklyn Skeptic’s favorite vampire show about completely stupid, stupid idiot jerks. Oh my goodness, so stupid. I think this show is written by a fourteen-year-old assistant manager at Hot Topic and the re-animated corpse of Grandpa Munster. But yes, we still watch it. Because we love Grandpa Munster. And recklesley used to work at Hot Topic.

Anyway. Last season saw Sookie Stackhouse fall in love with vampire Bill, who killed a fellow vampire to save her life. As punishment, he was forced to turn a 17-year-old choir girl into the most annoying vampire of all time. Meanwhile, Jason Stackhouse was starting to find God, Tara was living with a woman who likes to be naked with pigs and shake a lot, Sam turns into a dog and Lafayette, the only beacon of light on this otherwise mostly black abyss of suckage, seemed dead. Oh and there is a legion of really creepy blond-haired vampires who want to continue killing humans.

This season started off with Sookie and Tara screaming with a drunk Andy Bellefleur as they find a body in his car. It doesn’t end up being Lafayette, but that weird voodoo lady that made Tara drink peyote (they remind you in a flashback for the memory impaired, or those that tried hard enough to forget how utterly stupid that plot line was). Tara has to answer questions in jail, and then her mom bursts in and acts all ridiculous (but still sober, ridiculous).

Then we see Bill trying to domesticate Jessica (the newly-turned vampire), giving her a bed time (no later than 4am – haha oh my goodness – my vampire sides hurt!) and having a taste test with different kinds of True Blood. Jason is getting into the Fellowship of the Sun, an anti-vampire group that is taking advantage of his stupidity. Lafayette ends up in a creepy basement where people have to move a wheel to take a shit and Eric (grown-up Draco Malfoy) comes down every so often to kill someone. Why is Lafayette down here? I guess because he was selling vampire blood last season or something.

Meanwhile Sam knows the freaky vibrating pig lady because they boned when he was seventeen. He got freaked out while they were boning because she started vibrating a lot, which doesn’t make sense. Wouldn’t that be kind of awesome? And compared to him being half man/half labradoodle, isn’t that pretty normal?

And Sookie and Bill fight about stupid things before having the weirdest sex ever ya’ll. It involves Bill biting Sookie and then kissing her and smearing her own blood all over her face. Uh…hot? I miss the dirt sex, personally. It took a while for Sookie to appear naked in the last season (what, it’s not like we were all waiting for that or anything), but I’m going to go ahead and bet that she’ll be naked in almost every episode of this season. This show is too bad to not do that. Or too good to not do that. Whichever. Grandpa Munster wants to see Anna Paquin’s boobs.

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I taped last night’s Golden Globes so that I could forward through most of the shit. And there was a lot of shit. Here are some stray things that I noticed:

  • Anna Paquin won Best Actress in a Drama for the HBO show True Blood. If all you need to do to win a Golden Globe is talk in a shitty accent to creepy vampires, then I think the Hollywood Foreign Press owes Keanu Reeves a little something something.
  • The lyrics to Bruce Springsteen’s song “The Wrestler” sound like a Weird Al Yankovic parody of a Bruce Springsteen song. Lines like “Have you ever seen a one-legged dog making his way down the street? If you’ve ever seen a one-legged dog then you’ve seen me.” Not only is The Boss is making the claim that one legged dogs can walk (which I don’t believe is possible), but also he is saying that were he a shapeshifter, he would in fact turn into a one-legged dog.
  • I have not seen Happy-Go-Lucky but I think that Sally Hawkins needs to eat more sandwiches. And valium.
  • Ricky Gervais should host everything, always, forever.
  • Drew Barrymore was clearly attacked by a weed-whacker.
  • Tracy Morgan should co-host everything with Ricky Gervais, always, forever.
  • Alec Baldwin remembers getting Rumor Willis juice-boxes on set of “the movie.” He also makes references to his own daughter. Could this have something to do with the fact that he got in trouble for leaving a nasty voicemail on his daughter’s phone a while back? Alec Baldwin: not only does he love his own children, but he’ll bring your child juice.
  • Is it me, or did Colin Farrell pretty much tell the Hollywood Foreign Press that they’re idiots for giving him an award, let alone nominating him?
  • David Duchovny makes reference to his wife and family, letting America know that he is no longer a sex-addict, but continues to be a Golden Globe nominated actor for playing one on television.
  • Mickey Rourke totally pulled off calling Darren Aronofsky a “cat” and then talked about how much he loved his dogs (both living and dead). This was officially the highlight of the evening. Oh, and Aronofsky, with a Vincent Price moustache, gave Mickey Rourke the finger on live TV. I know a certain camera man who is getting fired.

What a wonderfully boring awards ceremony it was. On to the next awards show that is not being hosted by Tracy Morgan or Ricky Gervais.

Deal with it, Cate Blanchett

Deal with it, Cate Blanchett

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Several of us here at Brooklyn Skeptic have been following the new HBO Series True Blood, which deals with modern-day vampires in Louisiana who are “coming out of the coffin” due to the invention of a new synthetic blood that vampires can drink in lieu of biting people. From the get-go, the show has been clunky, often poorly scripted, filled with stereotypes and incredibly insane story lines. Here is a list of the five most ridiculous things that happened on this season of True Blood.

  1. Sam is a dog – Not only are there vampires on this show (and apparently werewolves), but there are also shapeshifters. After a lot of annoyingly obvious hints that Sam was, in fact, a dog, he finally gives Sookie a surprise by waking up naked on the foot of her bed. And now he does it all the time. In the finale, he rips off his shirt while running to save Sookie from Rene, in the same way Superman would loosen his tie before running into a phone booth. The only question is, when fighting against a murderer, wouldn’t he have more luck as a regular man than as a border collie? 
  2. Vampires have dirty sex – In one of the hammiest moments of the show (and possibly television, ever), Sookie runs into a cemetary in slow motion wearing a flowing white dress to find her vampire lover Bill. She is scared that he has been killed in a fire along with several other vamps. Suddenly his hand pops up from the dirt of the cemetary and he emerges, naked, covered in what one can only guess is worms and maggots, to have sex with Sookie right there. I’m assuming they were trying to show the passion the two characters had for each other, but seriously, this was just fucking gross.
  3. Vampire blood gives you crazy boners – Vampire blood (V-Juice, as it’s so delightfully called) is used as a drug for humans. It’s effects are like combining extacy and viagra in that it makes you hallucinate and improves your sex life. The catch is, you should only have a drop or two. Jason Stackhouse, being the dumb redneck that he is, drinks a whole vial of it, fearing that the cops will catch him with it. It gives him a boner that won’t go away. He spends most of the episode (and it’s the dominant storyline in the episode, if you can imagine) trying to masturbate his problem away, before giving up to go to a doctor and get it drained. It was a sick, stupid episode.
  4. Actually killing a vampire is pretty damn gruesome – I used to be a big Buffy fan, and since the show wasn’t on HBO, when vampires were staked, they kind of disintegrated, and blew away with the wind. On this show, that’s not so true. One thing that I truly appreciated about the show is that they didn’t just run around staking people. The vampires are real characters here, not just target practice, so when they actually stake the bartender from Fangtasia (vampires like puns), and Eddie, the sweet vampire played by Stephen Root, shit got real. In the case of the first, it was like someone opened a pipeline inside the guy’s body, as blood just poured out of him and all over Sookie. It was at the beginning of the episode, and definitely had me hooked for the rest. In the case of Stephen Root’s Eddie, a weird, web of blood sprays all over Jason. It was a really sad moment, made all the more real because of how graphic it was.
  5. Rene is totally a serial killer, him – everybody’s favorite Cajun-accented, one-liner spewing Rene ended up being Drew Marshall, a crazy guy who kills fang-bangers and does not have a Cajun accent. How do we learn this? Arlene’s kids find some vampire porn of his in the garage, which he conveniently keeps alongside a “Cajun Dialect for Actors” tape. This was the most ridiculously stupid plot twist I’ve seen on television in a long time. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he also had a copy of “How to Convince your Friends and Loved Ones that You’re Not a Serial Killer but Instead an Eccentric Cajun Guy with a Goofy Goatee.”

All this being said, I can’t wait to see how crazy/stupid season 2 will be. Oh, and if Lafayette is dead – I’m coming after you Alan Ball.

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