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Posts Tagged ‘Scary’

Harpers reports that Daniel Pipes, founder of campuswatch and general proponent of repressiveness and hatemongering, has officially signed on to be an advisor to presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani.

Daniel Pipes Notable Quotables:

“Diplomacy rarely ends conflicts…the oft-heard mantra that ‘there is no military solution’ in short, has things exactly wrong.”

“Iraq’s plight is neither a coalition responsibility nor a particular danger to the West. Fixing Iraq is neither the coalition’s responsibility, nor its burden. When Sunni terrorists target Shi’ites and vice versa, non-Muslims are less likely to be hurt. “

Huzzah!

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The summer season is coming to an end, and studios are throwing out the last of their blockbusters. This weekend, that includes one sure-fire hit, and several possible misses.

The Bourne Ultimatum – America’s blander, more straight-edge James Bond is back. In the third in the series, we can undoubtedly expect more car chases, karate, foreign locations and cell-phone yelling (“Where is he? We’ve lost Bourne! Aghhhh!”). These movies, for what they are, tend to be pretty damn entertaining. I’m sure this one will be no exception. Plus, Julia Stiles doesnt have a whole lot going on for herself right now. Playing Save the Last Dance on TBS every five minutes only gets her so much money. Have a heart. She’s cold and her fridge is full of condiments. This is playing at the Pavilion and the United Artists on Court Street.

Bratz – What’s that? Brats, spelled with a Z instead of an S? I’m so in. In this ten-inch toy to film adaptation, four girls arrive at high school as best friends, and are ruthlessly torn apart by cliques (which are all run by the bitchy Meredith). They then realize that they can stand out and be unique, and decide to fight back again the Meredith’s evil autocracy. Then a character arrives and tells them all that they are staring in a shitty rehash of Mean Girls. The last hour of the film consists of hundreds of teenagers crying at the career paths they’ve chosen. Jon Voight co-stars. And no, I’m not kidding. This is playing at Union Square.

El Cantante – Jennifer Lopez has been laying (J-) low for a while, as this seems to be her first big release in some time. But honestly, after making gems like Monster-in-Law, Jersey Girl and Gigli, you might need a break too. Here she stars with off-screen hubby Marc Anthony in the story of Hector Lavoe, the Salsa “King.” Here’s to hoping she’ll come to be known as “Jenny from the Block…buster.” I know. I hate me too. I cry at night.

Hot Rod – Andy Samberg: wacky internet genius or smarmy Jimmy Fallon-esque butt potato? I’m still on the fence. In this he plays a stuntman named Rod. Weirdly, this movie might be appropriate for his fans and those who hate him, as he spends most of the movie falling down and getting hurt. Johnbaptisedme will clearly be first in line at this one. See you there JBM! You bring the whippits this time, jerk. This is playing at the Pavilion.

Underdog – Jason Lee is officially all grown up. He’s thrown out his skateboard, cleaned up his Kevin Smith-influenced potty mouth, watched chipmunks eat each other’s leavings, joined the Church of Scientology, and is starring in talking dog movies with Jim Belushi. I only hope that we have a Jetsons Meet the Flintstones-esque crossing of My Name is Earl and According to Jim.

Becoming Jane – Becoming Jane takes the story of Shakespeare in Love and turns it on Jane Austen, as we learn of the romantic encounters that inspired the writer’s famous novels. Anne Hathaway plays Jane, and James McAvoy plays Thomas Lefroy. Maggie Smith also costars. I’m pretty sure that at this point, Maggie Smith just magically appears on every British film set on the first day of shooting (or maybe she flies in with an umbrella) and asks where she is needed. This is playing at the Angelika.

The Ten – Many of us here at BS are fans of Stella and The State, so clearly, this movie looks like a dream come true. Kevin Marino and David Wain wrote these short films about the ten commandments, and it is definitely my pick of the weekend. Here’s to hoping that it’s more like Wet Hot American Summer and less like The Baxter. Paul Rudd is in it too. I would pay eleven dollars to watch him silently smile at a camera for an hour and a half at this point. This is playing at the Sunshine.

Otherwise, Brooklyn Bridge Park is playing Hair tonight, The Sunshine is playing The Goonies at midnight on Friday, and McCarren Park is playing Three Kings next Tuesday.

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The Museum of the Moving Image in Astoria is running a series entitled It’s Only A Movie: Horror Films From The 1970s And Today from June 16th to July 22nd. While there are a few clunkers in the group (Saw II, The Hills Have Eyes Remake and Final Destination 3??), there are also classics from Dario Argento, Lucio Fulci and George Romero as well as some newer frighteners like Wolf Creek, The Descent and The Host. Many also include panel discussions with some of the filmmakers.

So come for the great movies, and stay for the nightmares.

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Cheney, Cheney, Cheney. There are already rumors that you suck the blood from the homeless, that you have turned immortal by eating babies, that you’re actually The Penguin from Batman…

Don't Look In The BushesBut this?

WTF? There have been several theories thrown around of what’s happening in this picture. I agree that maybe he’s somehow controlling Bush, from his shrubbery. I think it has to do something with his laser eyes. He stares long enough and you submit to his will, and I’ve heard his evil eyes kills puppies and kittens too.

The moral of the story is that Cheney is inhuman, creepy, and probably going to somehow take over in 2008.

I bet Rove has something to do with this. That man is a genius. I’m going to bet that he wants to send the not-so-subtle message that Cheney could be anywhere, hiding in your local shrubbery, watching your every move. They’re so advanced! They don’t even need wiretaps! Cheney is slowly becoming uber-powerful with his ability to steal souls and control you with his laser eyes.

I just thought everyone should know. I mean we have it easier here in New York because there’s not a lot of underbrush for Cheney to hide in…but please be careful…you’ll never know when he’ll pop out and…shoot your face and eat your still beating heart.

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“Jesus Camp”: A Review

jesus camp
(Contains some spoilers, but it doesn’t really matter.)

Warlocks are enemies of God…and had it been in the old testament, Harry Potter would have been put to death. ~ Crazy Female Pastor

“Jesus Camp” is interesting. It is a documentary about Evangelical Christian fundamentalists, and how they are insane. Don’t laugh. I am very serious. These people are literally, insane. The people depicted in this film are, anyway. I can’t speak for all Evangelical Christians. Although, I do have my theories.

I’m not sure whether or not it was the filmmakers’, Heidi Ewing and Rachel Grady, intention to make a horror film for the millennium, but if it was, they succeeded. This documentary is bar-none the most disturbing piece of film to have ever graced my 1992 Sony color TV. And I’ve watched parts of “Glitter” on there. (Seriously, don’t act like you’re above Mariah Carey movies.)

Anyway, “Jesus Camp” explores the psyche of devout Evangelical Christians, and reveals the secrets of their bizarre lifestyle. These people abide by a standard of living so outrageous, a fair representation, outside of this documentary, could only be found in either a terror-themed flick, or a V.C. Andrews novel.

Here’s a small set of rules on how they live their lives:

1) Homeschool all children.

*Homeschooling allows parents to teach creationism, criticize evolution, and pray to the Christian flag every morning.

If you look at creationism, you’ll realize it’s the only possible answer. ~Homeschool Mom

It’s true. Creationism is the only possible answer. Creationism, and um, gnomes who ride birds, and water babies that live in lily pads.

2) Brainwash.

*Brainwash young, impressionable children to believe it is their duty, even at age nine, to spread the word of God and to “save” as many souls as possible.

When I grow up, I want to be a manicurist. I can talk about Christ as I do their nails and I could play Christian music in the background. It would be very relaxing.” ~ age nine (girl)

This scene was actually one of the more disturbing moments of the film. Disturbing because no one at age nine should be talking like that. Perhaps I was a bit underdeveloped at this age, mentally, so I’m judging these children with an unjust bias. But I’m pretty sure that audio tape of me and my 4th grade best friend, reading notes we wrote to each other in class out loud, and rapping about boys in speedos is a pretty good representation of what most normal nine year olds are like. Right?

3) Send children to Jesus Camp.

*It is here where these children will be taught God’s will, and learn how to feel guilt for the rest of their lives. Also, it is at this camp where God’s “saved” children will gather around a deranged female pastor as she pours out bottled water that has been “blessed” onto the hands of these young preachers-in-training. They will congregrate around her as if she were an ice cream man handing out free Chocolate Eclair bars (clearly, this is an indication of what I found to be important as a child. And which ice cream bars I liked best). They will climb over one another in hopes of touching the water, the water that will cleanse them of all their sins; all the while, sobbing hysterically as they lament over their wrongdoings and heinous 10-year old acts of crime.

This scene was like something out of “Children of the Corn.” Only scarier, since no one was acting. Very, very upsetting. Too upsetting.

4) Speak in tongues.

*Scream out in tongues when praying for God’s forgiveness.

Because “tongues” in no way sounds like a dialect spoken by Satan.

Pretty much “Jesus Camp” is the most frightening documentary you’ll ever see. The film’s subjects are the people who control Middle America, and hence control much of this country. There is no acting, these camps actually do exist, and no one is going to jail, well except for maybe Ted Haggard, who plays a pretty prominent role in the film and was recently outed for the sicko he is.

I would suggest seeing this documentary, not only for its jaw-dropping religious sequences, but because it’s important for the world to see what much of America believes in.
So, do it.

End Note: Are rock group Hanson Evangelical Christians? Discuss. (FYI I love Hanson).

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Hot: Notes on a Scandal. This movie is hot for many reasons, namely for its plot. Cate Blanchett plays an Art teacher who has an affair with her fifteen year old student. Hot. Dame Judy Dench (perfectly) plays a creepy old bag whose obsession with Cate Blanchett’s character is out of control. That’s not so hot, except that it is, because the movie is pretty amazing. And I’m not sure if you’ve seen any previews or clips of Notes, but if you have, you most likely caught the moment where Judy Dench snaps, “You’re not young!” to Cate Blanchett. Classic. And true. I suggest seeing this movie before the Oscars.

Not Hot: Marie Antoinette. Why was this movie made? Because it’s so bad? Is that why? They should stop making movies for that reason. Aesthetically, this movie could not have been better. As an actual film with dialogue, this movie was so not hot. Much, much more could have been done to convey the seriousness of the Fall of Versailles, and the bond between Marie and Louis XVI, played by Jason Schwartzman. Haha. It’s funny because Jason Schwartzman probably sort of looks like Louis XVI. Hot. And while I do loathe Kirsten Dunst (not hot) almost as much as I loathe Andy Samberg (the nottest of the hot), that has almost nothing to do with my harsh critique of Marie Ant. Almost. I am of course human. But I usually like Sophia Coppola’s work and think she’ll do better projects in the future. I just hope they won’t leave me feeling full of rage. Oh, and didn’t Kirsten Dunst and Andy Samberg date? Vomit.

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