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Posts Tagged ‘Real Estate’

My lease is up on July 1st. It’s June 22nd. Do I have a place to live? No. No I don’t. Is it from a lack of trying? Good lord no.

Myself and my roommate (Brooklyn Skeptic contributor ChezJJP) are two employed twenty-six-year olds. We live in a nice place in Park Slope in Brooklyn. Our landlady likes us, and sweetly told us that she didn’t want us to leave because we were such good tenants. We pay our rent on time. We have a combined income of over $80,000 a year. We’re handsome and polite. We give great massages. We floss. So why the fuck is it so hard for us to find an apartment?

Because New York is a cruel, overpopulated den of deception and chaos located several floors below the seventh layer of hell.

This is not the New York from the show Friends, where the characters live in huge, beautifully decorated apartments in lower Manhattan, paying the rent with the money they make being failed actors, waitresses and whatever the hell the weird one did. This is the New York where you have trouble getting an apartment in Red Hook (twenty minutes from a shitty subway which won’t even be running soon!) when you are the first person to see it and immediately ask to fill out an application. This is the New York where you see an apartment you like in Williamsburg and are so desperate to move in that you agree to give the landlord an $1800 deposit despite the fact that none of the light fixtures work and half of the apartment is flooded. This is the New York that turns you into a desperate, whorish shadow of the man you once saw in the mirror.

And apparently, this is the New York that makes you state the obvious in an effort to vent your frustrations. Clearly, if you live in New York, you’ve probably been through apartment searching hell (or you haven’t, in which case, you’re a jerk) and none of this is particularly eye-opening to you. But Jesus Christ! Who do you have to blow to pay too much to live in a cramped apartment in an already over-priced city???

Anyway, you’d better solve this problem for me, reader. Find me an apartment, pronto. Or else, you never know, I might move in with you and we’ll have a little You, Me and Dupree situation going on. And you don’t want that. Because that movie sucked.

Dont make me be the Owen Wilson to your Matt Dillon and Kate Hudson. Nobody wins in that equation.

Don't make me be the Owen Wilson to your Matt Dillon and Kate Hudson. Nobody wins in that equation.

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Here’s some news that was good to me, but probably bad for Williamsburg (which really just makes it better for me): Galapagos Art Space is moving!

Galapagos has been in Williamsburg for twelve years, during which time the space hosted such notables as Monster Eiffel Tower. They were there when everyone had payos instead of asymmetrical haircuts and kippahs instead of skinny jeans. But it looks like Galapagos gave up on Billysburg, blanching at their landlord’s requested 30% rent increase. Apparently they can’t handle the gentle peaks and troughs of the “radically chic, chicly radical” neighborhood’s real estate market. Pussies.

So, keep an eye out for Galapagos moving into a huge space in DUMBO and making real estate speculators shriek with glee as another incredibly cool, expensive neighborhood grows up around the club.

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Marilyn Manson, 38, has just announced that he is adopting 19 year old, Evan Rachel Wood. And by adopting, I mean they’re dating. Grossness. I do not understand. What is the Manson appeal? Does he not wear white face makeup with smeared turquoise eye shadow, with a pair of mismatched color contacts? Oh wait, that’s exactly what he wears.

Fine couple, these two make. Fine couple indeed.

I am ‘turbed by this. In 2003 Evan Rachel Wood, for those of you who don’t know, was in a film called “Thirteen.” In this film, Wood was cast as a thirteen year old because….she was a thirteen year old. Or, I suppose possibly fourteen at the time of filming. Either way, a young one she was. And this film, “Thirteen,” is what catapulted Wood’s career. (Although, in my book ABC’s “Once and Again” is what really placed Wood on the Hollywood map. Mischa Barton too, for that matter. These two played same sex 8th grade lovers on the show. It was groundbreaking. You probably think I’m joking, but I am being so dead serious, it’s not even funny.) Anyway, my point is that Marilyn Manson is dating a girl whose most notable film is called, “Thirteen.” Not because thirteen was her lucky number, or because the film centers around Friday the 13th, but because the movie’s focus is a thirteen year old girl. Now, had “Thirteen” been made in 1903, rather than 2003, then yes, perhaps this would all make a little more sense. As I’m sure we’d all be a little less shocked had Manson decided to move onto dating corpses rather than actual humans. But this is not the case. Wood is a normal (looking) blonde, and Manson dresses like the anti-christ. Crazy relationship.

Manson quote: “I’ve found my double, my twin, with my new girlfriend, Evan Rachel Wood,” Manson tells France’s Le Parisien newspaper. “She’s l9 and certainly that’s very young,” he added, “but that’s not a problem for me. She likes the same things as me. She understands I like to get up when night falls and go to sleep at dawn.”

Someone should tell Marilyn sleeping in until dusk is a tell-tale sign of depression. They should also let him know he probably shouldn’t be dating someone who is (literally) half his age. Although, I think that’s what Manson’s all about, disregarding the public’s opinion of him, and having people think he’s Josh Saviano from the “Wonder Years.”

Therefore, nothing can be done about these two.

So, let us sit back and judge this new, weird couple. But if we’re judging these two, we should probably be judging all May-December relationships:

Brian Austin Green (33) & Megan Fox (19)– They’re engaged. Although, in his defense, Green still looks about 25. And, is probably just as dumb as his 19 year old fiance.

That’s actually the only relationship I can think of right now, good thing it’s such an amazing one.

Now, as an ending note, I would like to address the fact that M. Manson is actually very intelligent. In interviews he is incredibly articulate, down to earth, and engaging. However, that does not excuse the fact that he looks as though he belongs in a satanic cult. And is dating a 19 year old.

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