Posts Tagged ‘Poor me’

Dear New York,

Please stop peeing in every nook and cranny of the New York City transit system. The scurrying rats, regular gusts of hot, moist air, piles of poo, expectorating teenagers and Bugaboos are quite enough. I don’t need the acrid stench of piss to greet me every morning like an over-eager puppy.



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On the subway on the way home tonight I read over someone’s shoulder “Cheney in Rage at Reid“. My first thought was what did that crazy girl do now?

I was imagining Cheney sitting slumped on the floor inside the oval office, despondently waiting for Tara to call after their drunken groping at McFadden’s after-hours club the night before.

creepy cheney McFadden’s Party Time

Unfortunately, it turned out to be some boring story about ‘defeatism’. Yawn.

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a-train.gifc-train.gife-train.gifin the hole.

s-train.gif Short, limited service. Perfect for so many men I’ve dated.

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j-train.gifz-train.gifm-train.gif You pretty much know what you’re getting with the JZM Condom. It’s mostly in Brooklyn, but there’s a quick in and out through Manhattan.

4-train.gif5-train.gif The 4/5 Condom is smooth and efficient. It’ll get you there fast and it hardly ever breaks.

airtrain.gif  The AirTrain Condom is just like all the other condoms, but more expensive, modern and confusing. Give yourself at least two hours per use.

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The NYC Condoms are Brooklyn Skeptic’s new favorite things. However, we figure that if you’re going to make them MTA themed, you might as well go all the way (so to speak). Here are the first two in BS’s line of NYC Condoms.

g-train.gifThe G Condom can be found in the F packaging from 12:00AM to 5:00AM Monday – Friday. It is unreliable, at best.

l-train.gif The L Condom is characterized by its asymmetrical cut. It works well on the weekdays, but you should have a Plan B for the weekend.

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The scene: It’s 8:20AM and a young lady – let’s just say it’s this editor, for the sake of argument – stumbles sleepily down the stairs to the subway, shuffles past the booth and stops for a moment to fumble with her MetroCard. Lodged in the turnstile nook, headphones on, hands engrossed in the search for the MetroCard, she is helpless. And that’s when the Subway Pervert descends.

SP sneaks up behind the helpless lady and grabs her ass like he is being sucked into a black hole and it is the only way he can keep from being torn out of this reality and having all of his cells flipped inside out. What I’m trying to say here is that it is a strong grab. However, in the moment it happens, she is already going through the gate and by the time the atrocity of the situation hits her, she is on the other side. She spins around, locks eyes with SP and gives him the dirtiest look she can muster. It is some cold shit, though probably no match for a good old fashioned molestation.

Now, the aggrieved young lady has a couple of options. First, she can go back through the turnstile, forfeit her $2, and punch/yell at SP. This is not really an ideal choice should the young lady have wrongly identified the Pervert or should the Pervert be more wily, high or violent than she originally expected. The second option would be to yell to the cop who happened to be on the platform, “THAT PERVERT JUST GRABBED MY ASS!” The cop, of course, would be forgivable if he responded, “I’m really just here to look out for terrorists. Ass-grabbing is totally righteous and American.” The final option would be to ignore it, tossing nothing his way but some stink-eye. And this is what she does.

I propose we start an advocacy group for subway molestees. Or at least provide everyone with NYC branded pepper spray. Or scarlet SPs.

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Dear RK,

I don’t know how to tell you this, but you are mired in a prejudice so thick and vile, you may never find your way out. The yellow trains are not slow. I mean, no more slow than any of the other trains – all of which travel at the speed and with the agility of a toddler. The F train is no prize, my friend.

However, you did make a good point regarding the above-ground stops. I love those. But you know what’s better than chugging along past the Kentile sign at Smith & 9th? Crossing the East River on the N and Q trains (also on the B & D trains that I use to get to work). You can look north and see the charming waterfront-industrial scene or you can look south (my choice) and see the Statue of Liberty, the Brooklyn Bridge, the big shiny Financial District buildings, boats, dead bodies…it’s like a little bit of heaven! All the while, your F train is creeping along underground like so many giant, seething rats.

Seething rats.

f-train.jpg = rat.jpg

A simile.

Subway (Debate) Series
Subway (Debate) Series: Rebuttal

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My father once told me to keep as many doors (opportunities) open for as long as possible. As soon as you commit to one door, any number of others close behind you. This is sage advice which I have chosen to apply to my selection of subway routes, if nothing else in my life.

It is with this adage in mind that I humbly submit my version of the best route from 9th Street and 4th Avenue in Brooklyn to 15th Street and 5th Avenue in Manhattan (ew) during the morning weekday rush hour.

First, you’re going to want to go below ground to the R/M platform as opposed to the above ground F platform. Even at this early stage, you can see how the guiding principle applies: you can take whatever train that shows up first. Upstairs at the F, there is only one possible train.

Next, take the R/M two stops to Atlantic. Look across the platform. Do you see the N train there? Take it. Is there no train across the platform? That’s okay – just get out and wait. There’s a 90% chance it will be there within four minutes. Do you see the N train leaving the platform as you arrive? No problem! The train driver’s a total bitch and nobody loves him which is why he’s acting out at the poor suckers on the local train. In this case, stay on the R/M for one more stop – to DeKalb.

Now you really ought to get off the train. Across the platform, you should see a Q train (or else it will arrive shortly). Get on that and take it two stops to Union Square. Exit towards the rear of the train, which will deposit you on the west side of the park, next to 15th street. Walk one short block (Union Square West to 5th Avenue), and you’re there.

You can see already that statistics are on your side with this route. If any train is fucked up, too crowded, missing, on fire, or anything else, you just go onto the next one, always keeping as many routes open as possible.

Additional points to consider:

  • My route has a maximum of 5 stops (though it’s usually 4), as compared to the F train’s 85 million stops.
  • The walk from 6th Ave to 5th Ave is incomparably longer than the one from Union Square West to 5th Ave.
  • The F train is one crowded M.F., no matter what.
  • The F tracks flood if there is any amount of rain or if it is too humid.
  • Once you’ve committed to the F, all other doors are closed. You are at its complete mercy. And daddy always said, “don’t let the train make you its bitch.”
  • So, R.K., you got a better way?

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