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Posts Tagged ‘Perverts’

My father – constantly on the lookout for new ways for me to become raving, bat-shit insane – sent me this article from Yahoo! News. It’s all about vegans who won’t stoop to sexing with meat eaters because they feel like they’re shtupping “a graveyard for animals.” While this is an interesting idea, I think it’s mostly just the sign of an over-active imagination and some pretty serious neuroses. As a reasonably squeamish vegetarian, I generally just draw the line at not making out while my partner is in the process of eating ribs.

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chickenA bunch of chickens have eaten chicken feed tainted with the industrial chemical melamine, used to manufacture plastic utensils and fertilizer. Gross.

Apparently the feed was partially made from pet food that had ALREADY been recalled because of its taintedness. Gross.

Richard Lobb, a spokesman for the National Chicken Council says to blame China!

“Melamine is not supposed to be in any animal feed, pet food… it’s an industrial chemical and that problem goes back to China where they were deliberately spiking the product with melamine and before that with urea in order to boost its protein content,” Lobb said.

Eww! Urea? That’s nasty. I bet that China’s not the only place where that kind of shit (or piss) happens.

So who is to blame? China? No way. Blame the chicken growers importing their feed rather than feeding the chickens things grown on their own farm. Importing feed, even when it’s not loaded with nasties, is bad a) when its manufacture creates pollution, b) when its shipment creates even more pollution, c) when the chemicals in it make the chicken sick, d) when the chickens get antibiotics to combat the sickness from the tainted feed and our bodies get overloaded with antibiotics, and e) when the people getting rich off of it are the pharmaceutical manufacturers and the industrial feed manufacturers, and farmers are forced to participate in the system even though it is totally f-ed up.

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the thing with I know this should be called, “Drowning in Republican Tears #2”, but I can’t avoid sensationalist headlines.

To start things out, the Republican Party puts a lot of stock into being homogeneous, despite being filled to the brim with libertarians, fiscal conservatives, neocons, hardcore evangelicals and so forth. This is all because the Republican Party’s strategy is to create/find a resonating idea (with hyped rhetoric), like communism, terrorism, the moral decay of society, whatever…and then push forward with a hypothetical united front. Then there they are, the Republican base holding hands in unison, singing kumbaya, fighting the good fight, while the evil Democrats are just angry, mean, and disagreeable. It’s really a beautiful dance of cogs and gears.

The great thing about Giuliani is, right when the Republican Party is out trying to find it’s new voice, recovering from scandals and internal doubt, the most Democrat Republican (or just the oddest Republican) is polled first for the Republican primaries. It’s quite wonderful because it undermines the whole idea of the Republican movement. It ruins their aura of homogeny, shows the weakening of the evangelical base, and to top it off Giuliani is completely and utterly unelectable. I won’t even get to his failed personal life, which even makes mine look rosy (ie I break up with girls via text messages, he breaks up with his wife via a public press conference*). He has no experience with public policy on the federal or even state level, and even his 9-11 strengths aren’t that strong.

I’m not saying that Giuliani is sticking with these beliefs, that would be too much to ask from a candidate. Instead he’s scrambling to the right like McCain (or any other candidate’s “readjustments”), trying to find a way to renounce the platforms he’s ran on in the past. He’s already stated that he will only appoint baby loving judges to the Supreme Court. Don’t worry though, we can still watch him as he wiggles around his ideas of gun control and gay marriage. It’ll be amazing to see a man eat his own foot.

So for every moment that Rudy Giuliani is holding the race, he’s a symbol of the present collapse of the Republican Party (besides Bush himself, Mark Foley, Abramoff, “Scooter”, Gonzales…I give up).

*To any single females reading this, I don’t actually break up with people via text messages. Just the occasional email/voicemail. Or sometimes notes with cut letters from a magazine.

P.S.

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Republican Party, you have made your god weep.

I really take glee in all of the proclamations of the downfall of the Republican Party (Yet two years ago they said the same about Democrats). It’s probably due to the overwhelming arrogance that it embodies. With people like Bush, Cheney, Gonzoles as the poster-boys. It’s like the joy of watching the bullies and villains at the end of movies get thrown down into a pit of snakes (my apologies, I’ve watched a lot of Indiana Jones).

In my first installment, let’s talk about our favorite Mr. John McCain.

(more…)

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The scene: It’s 8:20AM and a young lady – let’s just say it’s this editor, for the sake of argument – stumbles sleepily down the stairs to the subway, shuffles past the booth and stops for a moment to fumble with her MetroCard. Lodged in the turnstile nook, headphones on, hands engrossed in the search for the MetroCard, she is helpless. And that’s when the Subway Pervert descends.

SP sneaks up behind the helpless lady and grabs her ass like he is being sucked into a black hole and it is the only way he can keep from being torn out of this reality and having all of his cells flipped inside out. What I’m trying to say here is that it is a strong grab. However, in the moment it happens, she is already going through the gate and by the time the atrocity of the situation hits her, she is on the other side. She spins around, locks eyes with SP and gives him the dirtiest look she can muster. It is some cold shit, though probably no match for a good old fashioned molestation.

Now, the aggrieved young lady has a couple of options. First, she can go back through the turnstile, forfeit her $2, and punch/yell at SP. This is not really an ideal choice should the young lady have wrongly identified the Pervert or should the Pervert be more wily, high or violent than she originally expected. The second option would be to yell to the cop who happened to be on the platform, “THAT PERVERT JUST GRABBED MY ASS!” The cop, of course, would be forgivable if he responded, “I’m really just here to look out for terrorists. Ass-grabbing is totally righteous and American.” The final option would be to ignore it, tossing nothing his way but some stink-eye. And this is what she does.

I propose we start an advocacy group for subway molestees. Or at least provide everyone with NYC branded pepper spray. Or scarlet SPs.

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