MTA Condoms: Dick Jokes are Funny

You pretty much know what you’re getting with the JZM Condom. It’s mostly in Brooklyn, but there’s a quick in and out through Manhattan.

The 4/5 Condom is smooth and efficient. It’ll get you there fast and it hardly ever breaks.

  The AirTrain Condom is just like all the other condoms, but more expensive, modern and confusing. Give yourself at least two hours per use.

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Subway (Debate) Series: Rebuttal

Interesting choice in route, the 4th and 9th R/M to Union Square over the F to 14th Street. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you had a few valuable words of wisdom there, Friend. However, I do know better, so now I must annihilate you and your arguments.

First off, I must state that the R and M trains are, how you say, pieces of shit. And don’t you dare deny this, Friend. Don’t you (fucking) dare. You and I both know that even at their fastest, I could run alongside both trains and beat either one to the next station. And this is coming from someone with a weak respiratory system, strained left shoulder, and bad knees. Maybe you enjoy riding those graffiti’d subway tracks at such a slow pace you’re able to read every crude comment written on those black, tarred walls. But I, personally, enjoy feeling as though I am in an actual moving vehicle, not a carriage being pulled by a Gypsy Horse in the mid to late 1600’s. But perhaps you have an old soul, which would explain your penchant for slow moving cars, similar to how an 88 year old likes to drive 13 mph on a 65 mph highway. In which case, then yeah, the R or M trains might be a wiser choice.

I, however, am young at heart. I, like most humans, prefer my trains to be fast. I like to feel a steady flow of vibrations below my feet, and getting to work on time.

I’d also like to address the fact that the 4th and 9th Street F stop is above ground. And correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you once state, and I think pretty recently, that, “Without the Canal, the F train would not make its two glorious above-ground stops at Smith & 9th and 4th Avenue. Think of all those people who wouldn’t be able to send text messages, check their voice mail and make annoying phone calls while commuting with 6000 other people in a single train car.” Oh, hey look what I found. Your exact quote. So, interesting. You choose the shitty, stank, underground R/M, over the oh-so glorious above-ground F stop. Two timer.

Now, I know you’re probably going to come back at me with, “but one rides the R/M for no more than three stops.” Well, I have news for you, the N train moves just as slowly as the R. It skips stops, yes. However, it is so incredibly jam-packed in the morning that the actual weight of the train permits it to drive only at a negative pace. -12 mph, if you’re looking for a rough figure. It is literally, torture.

Convenience is also key here. The F train is a straight shot to 14th Street. No transfers necessary. This means, if you, or I, or anyone else is lucky enough to find an open seat right off the bat, well all I can say is, Zzzzzzz. That means you get to take a nap. And sleep my friend, is a precious, precious thing.

Lastly, if you’re going by old adages, how about this one. N stands for Never; R stands for Rarely.

Love,
RK

PS I bet you didn’t expect any of your previous arguments to nip you in the butt.

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Dancing With the Stars: Your Questions

It’s been brought to my attention that not everyone knows the A+ list celebrities mentioned in the “Guess Who’s Dancin’?” post. To clear up any confusion, I will go through a few of the lesser known, but just as talented, famous contestants competing in this season’s “Dancing With the Stars.”

Ian Ziering: I didn’t realize there were people in this world who wouldn’t recognize that name. Ziering is a Beverly Hills 90210 alum, playing Steve Saunders for 10+ years. If you still don’t know who Ziering is, you really shouldn’t be reading this blog, since you are lame.

Billy Ray Cyrus: Cyrus sang the hit song, “Achy, Breaky Heart” and is most famous for sporting a glorious mullet in the late 90s. Cyrus was also the lead character in the hit TV drama, “Doc,” which reruns regularly on the PAX network. Oh, he’s also Hannah’s father in Disney’s original series, “Hannah Montana.” He might actually be the biological father of the “Hannah” actress. But don’t quote me on that. However, if I’m right, I’m a genius.

Heather Mills: Mills is Paul McCartney’s recently divorced wife. She has a fake leg.

Hope these footnotes helped. If you have anymore questions, look them up on wikipedia.org, lazies.

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Guess Who’s Dancin’?

Ian Ziering and Billy Ray Cyrus, that’s who. This season’s Dancing With the Stars is pulling out all the stops. I say this not because Joey Fatone (Fat-One) will be cha cha cha-ing across that wonderful ABC sponsored dance floor, but because Heather Mills will be competing as well. Interesting choice, Dancing With the Stars. Interesting indeed. Seriously though, really, really interesting. And weird.  There are a number of other competitors, I simply cannot think of any at the moment. Probably because they’re not real celebrities. Not like Ian Ziering. But I do know Muhammad Ali’s daughter will be showing off her tango skills. Maybe she’ll punch someone.

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