Posts Tagged ‘Miriam’

Dear Jesus,

Please release us from the bonds of the attention whores, the celebutantes, and the wrongfully famous. We miss the newspaper.

Best wishes,
Brooklyn Skeptic

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Paris Hilton has all of America in a tizzy. Her story, her trial, her imprisonment, her release, and her subsequent incarceration have been dissected on every channel, in every newspaper, over every dinner table, and at every water cooler. No, it’s not that we have nothing better to do with our time. It’s that America sees Hilton for what she truly is: a harbinger of the Revolution.

As has been proven time and time again, a revolution is built on a number of compounding factors – an essential sequence of events.

First the celebutantes fall.
Then the establishment falls.
Then the people rise up.

With Paris Hilton securely in jail for 45 days (her release and recapture essential to assure she will have to serve her full sentence), she will fall out of the public eye if only because her vagina will not be all over the morning paper. Without her drug and booze-addled antics, the news media will have no choice but to cover second rate stories, like the war and assorted ethics crises in the upper echelons of the government. The coverage of these stories – as opposed to contract negotiations for the next season of “The Simple Life” – will disgust Americans and very rich foreigners. They will demand all government leaders to step down and be sent out to the sea on ice floes. And then the people, free from the tyranny of celebrity culture and appallingly unethical government leaders, will rise up and recreate a new America.

The people are wise and wily. We only pretend to be achingly enthralled with the goings-on of drunk 20-somethings (hi readership!). But really, we’re just lining up all of the pawns to begin the saga of reclaiming our autonomy. So keep your eyes on E!. This revolution will be televised.

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“An insider tells US [the mag] the 26-year-old nightlife lover is being paid $800,000 by Vegas’ Hard Rock Hotel Casino to host her own “Get Out of Jail” soiree this summer and a New Years Eve bash.”

Mmmm, yes. Paris is getting paid close to a million dollars to host her very own “I’m Free” party. That sounds about right.

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I am no longer outraged. Paris Hilton is back in jail. Praise the Lord.

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Paris Hilton has been released from jail. I figured she’d be dismissed early, but this early? It’s been like, four days. What a disappointment. Apparently she’s leaving due to some undisclosed “medical reasons.” Right. I don’t think cocaine withdrawal or being too stupid should count as actual medical conditions. Although, Lindsay Lohan is pushing that theory. (I worry about her.)

And wasn’t Paris planning to pen a memoir about her prison experience, entitled: “I Suck….Everything”? Whatever. She’ll probably still write it. And I’m sure it will be amazing…ly dumb.

I am outraged.

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Hilton in the Hoosgow

Even though it’s gray and dreary outside, my heart is light and countenance jubilant, for today is the day Paris Hilton begins her jail sentence. Well done, legal system.

Paris Hilton cleaning the prison pool. She’s so brave.

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Last night I watched a very informative program on VH1: Lindsay Lohan’s Most Shocking. Initially I was reluctant to invest an hour of my precious time to a program dedicated to exposing truths I was already familiar with. (I am well aware of Linzzee’s party girl tendencies, and her internet leaked crotch shots.) However, me being who I am, a celeb indulging gossiper, watched this show in its entirety, and…was not disappointed. If anything, ironically, I came out of the hour long Lohan fest liking the red-headed seductress even more than I already didn’t. (That’s right, didN’T. I have spent the better half of my time here in NY shit talking Lohan….while secretly hoping to run into her on the street, because apparently, I love her.)

Anyway, after viewing “Lindsay Lohan’s Most Shocking” I realize Lindsay is not the worst of the party girls. Is she a liar? Sure. Is she immature? Who, these days isn’t? Does she like to snort coke? Listen, these actresses need to stay thin, and not everyone wants to fuck with trimspa. But my point is, she is just like the rest of young Hollywood, only she is forced deal with one person no other young Hollywood starlet must endure: Michael Lohan.

Michael Lohan, for those of you who aren’t familiar with the Lohan clan, is Lindsay’s father. (FYI: Dina is Lindsay’s stage mom, Ali is Lindsay’s little sister, and I think Lindz has a lil’ bro too, but we don’t care about him.) Anyway, Father Lohan was recently released from jail, however during his time of incarceration Michael wrote an apologetic ballad to Lindsay, in response to her single, “Confessions of a Broken Heart,” and published these poetic lyrics in the NY Daily News. The NY Daily News, people, the NY Daily News. This, ladies and gents, is why no one can convince me of Lindsay’s behavior as being unwarranted. Had I read poem like lyrics, written by my former stock broker father, in aa/bb rhyme scheme, dedicated to me, in the newspaper, I’m sure I too would do everything in my power to forget that words, in general, exist. And I would attempt to forget by party hardying. Just. Like. Lindsay.

Also addressed in the Lohanmentary were Lindsay’s ongoing celebrity battles. You know, her quarrels with Paris, Scarlett, and that rich douche, Brandon Davis. In case you pay no attention to celebrity gossip (Recklesley), Brandon D was caught on film calling Lindsay derogatory redheaded slurs, and claimed she “shits freckles.” Admittedly, the latter comment made me chuckle a little. However, that does not excuse the fact that Davis, who is in no position to be judging someone else’s appearance, is an arse.

(Fug Davis)

And I could not care less about either Paris Hilton or Scarlett Johannson. Although, Paris Hilton, in my opinion, is the worst human being, period. If the devil, Lucifer, is amongst us right now, disguised as an idiot blonde who enjoys tumbling off horses and making sex vids, then I believe Paris Hilton is the devil. Therefore, in these fights, Lindsay comes out on top.

But most importantly, let us never forget both “Freaky Friday” and “Mean Girls.” These two films catapulted Lindsay’s career for a reason. They are funny, heartfelt, and really capture the true Lohan essence. I love both these movies, and hence, my heart will always hold a soft spot for Miss Lindsay Lohan.

The. End.

PS Did you read Michael Lohan’s song lyrics? I wonder who “THEM” refers to!

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