Posts Tagged ‘Michael Lohan’

I have a real problem. I love The O.C. Night after night, I unwrap a new disc from Netflix and I shroud myself in a cocoon of angst, teenage alcoholism, crushes, ennui and incredibly hot rich people. It’s. So. Good. But anyway, the problem is that I would like to create an O.C.-like life for myself, but I loathe California with the ceaseless capacity of my soul. So actually going to Newport Beach (which is probably not a real place, now that I think about it) and creating a booze-soaked, jewel-encrusted life for myself seems totally impossible.

Thus, I propose that we create a new neighborhood in Brooklyn called Newport Beach and then gradually adjust some key features of it to more closely mirror the ideal. I’ve done some basic accounting (below) so we can more easily assess the plan’s inherent plausibility.

So who’s with me?

Things we have:

  • Cocktails at 10AM
  • Fist-fights
  • Our own lifestyle magazine
  • An appreciation of the self-referential
  • Hopes and dreams
  • Crippling materialism

Things we can work on:

  • Steamy lesbian subplots when the story line gets too repetitive
  • Dredging the Gowanus to make it look more like the Pacific Ocean
  • Getting perfectly geeky/perfectly stoic boyfriends
  • Existential crises

Things we will never have:

  • Horrible make-up artists who leave blush circles on our cheeks
  • Water polo and pep rallies
  • Mansions with stand-alone pool houses
  • Rachel Bilson

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Last night I watched a very informative program on VH1: Lindsay Lohan’s Most Shocking. Initially I was reluctant to invest an hour of my precious time to a program dedicated to exposing truths I was already familiar with. (I am well aware of Linzzee’s party girl tendencies, and her internet leaked crotch shots.) However, me being who I am, a celeb indulging gossiper, watched this show in its entirety, and…was not disappointed. If anything, ironically, I came out of the hour long Lohan fest liking the red-headed seductress even more than I already didn’t. (That’s right, didN’T. I have spent the better half of my time here in NY shit talking Lohan….while secretly hoping to run into her on the street, because apparently, I love her.)

Anyway, after viewing “Lindsay Lohan’s Most Shocking” I realize Lindsay is not the worst of the party girls. Is she a liar? Sure. Is she immature? Who, these days isn’t? Does she like to snort coke? Listen, these actresses need to stay thin, and not everyone wants to fuck with trimspa. But my point is, she is just like the rest of young Hollywood, only she is forced deal with one person no other young Hollywood starlet must endure: Michael Lohan.

Michael Lohan, for those of you who aren’t familiar with the Lohan clan, is Lindsay’s father. (FYI: Dina is Lindsay’s stage mom, Ali is Lindsay’s little sister, and I think Lindz has a lil’ bro too, but we don’t care about him.) Anyway, Father Lohan was recently released from jail, however during his time of incarceration Michael wrote an apologetic ballad to Lindsay, in response to her single, “Confessions of a Broken Heart,” and published these poetic lyrics in the NY Daily News. The NY Daily News, people, the NY Daily News. This, ladies and gents, is why no one can convince me of Lindsay’s behavior as being unwarranted. Had I read poem like lyrics, written by my former stock broker father, in aa/bb rhyme scheme, dedicated to me, in the newspaper, I’m sure I too would do everything in my power to forget that words, in general, exist. And I would attempt to forget by party hardying. Just. Like. Lindsay.

Also addressed in the Lohanmentary were Lindsay’s ongoing celebrity battles. You know, her quarrels with Paris, Scarlett, and that rich douche, Brandon Davis. In case you pay no attention to celebrity gossip (Recklesley), Brandon D was caught on film calling Lindsay derogatory redheaded slurs, and claimed she “shits freckles.” Admittedly, the latter comment made me chuckle a little. However, that does not excuse the fact that Davis, who is in no position to be judging someone else’s appearance, is an arse.

(Fug Davis)

And I could not care less about either Paris Hilton or Scarlett Johannson. Although, Paris Hilton, in my opinion, is the worst human being, period. If the devil, Lucifer, is amongst us right now, disguised as an idiot blonde who enjoys tumbling off horses and making sex vids, then I believe Paris Hilton is the devil. Therefore, in these fights, Lindsay comes out on top.

But most importantly, let us never forget both “Freaky Friday” and “Mean Girls.” These two films catapulted Lindsay’s career for a reason. They are funny, heartfelt, and really capture the true Lohan essence. I love both these movies, and hence, my heart will always hold a soft spot for Miss Lindsay Lohan.

The. End.

PS Did you read Michael Lohan’s song lyrics? I wonder who “THEM” refers to!

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