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Posts Tagged ‘laser eyes’

Have you heard the news? Alec Baldwin has anger management issues. I’m not surprised. He’s related to Stephen Baldwin. Stephen Baldwin who, while a contestant on 2002’s “Celebrity Mole,” tried to strangle Kathy Griffin. (I remember the important things.)

Anyway, in case you don’t pay attention to celebrity gossip, I’ll catch you up to speed. Last week an enraged Baldwin left his daughter, Ireland, a pretty nasty voicemail. Apparently Ireland’s phone was turned off during one of their scheduled father-daughter calls, and this set Baldwin into a fuming ball of fury. (Though, straight to voicemail calls are annoying.) And this voicemail was “somehow” leaked onto the internet. I say “somehow” like “somehow” since I assume this particular v.mail leakage was no accident. No, sir. No accident, indeed. I find it hard to believe any paparazzimonger would be so interested in Basinger and Baldwin’s eleven year old daughter, that he or she would hack into her voice mailbox. In any case, I guess what’s really to be discussed here is the actual content of the ranting.

In this message, Baldwin refers to his daughter as “a rude pig,” calls Basinger a “thoughtless pain in the ass,” and threatens flying out to L.A. for one day only, the 20th, in order to “set [Ireland] straight.” I found that last threat to be legitimately scary. If I were Ireland I’d definitely think dad was going to kill me on the 20th. For Baldwin demands, “[she] better be ready for [him].” Yikes.

(Maybe this is straying off-topic, but I noticed Baldwin speaks to his daughter in an odd condemning tone, as if his daughter were an adult, perhaps an agent of his. Or something. It’s weird. I encourage you to listen for yourself, so you know exactly what I’m talking about. Or not. This audio may not be your cup of tea. Even though, apparently, it is mine. My cup of (chai) tea. Yum.)

Right. Back to the voicemail. At one point during the tirade as he is addressing Ireland’s offed cell phone irresponsibility, Baldwin yells, “I don’t care if you’re eleven or ten!” At first I (chuckled) and judged Baldwin for not knowing his own daughter’s age. But then I remembered that for the past year I thought I was a year younger than I actually was. Therefore, I decided to let this mistake slide. Also, I’m not sure naming Basinger a “thoughtless pain the ass” insinuates instability on Baldwin’s part. Seeing as how I’m sure most actors are….thoughtless pains in the ass(es). Jared Leto.

Now, I in no way condone this type of parental behavior. No parent should threaten their child like that. However, what I will say is, who knows what kind of daughter Ireland is. Maybe she’s like those kids on “The Maury Povich Show” who are forced to enroll in those military camps. Or even worse, maybe she’s a young Paris Hilton (my most hated). I mean, if my memory serves me correctly, at age eleven I’m pretty sure I was Satan. And while my parents never pulled the ol’, “you better be ready for me on the 20th” on me, who’s to say I didn’t deserve such threats. I mean besides most of the people reading this, and America in general. But seriously, (I am serious) we do not know Baldwin’s side of the story. Maybe his intent was to simply scold her, or take away her credit card. My parents were full of empty threats when I was younger. All parents are.

So, let’s not cast stones at the guy (just yet). Everyone deserves the right to defend themselves. But more importantly, it’s been about a week since I listened to the sound clip, and I honestly don’t remember much about it, aside from thinking Ireland was an interesting name. Hence, the voicemail might be a lot worse than I think. But I guess we’ll never know!

I will still watch.

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Cheney, Cheney, Cheney. There are already rumors that you suck the blood from the homeless, that you have turned immortal by eating babies, that you’re actually The Penguin from Batman…

Don't Look In The BushesBut this?

WTF? There have been several theories thrown around of what’s happening in this picture. I agree that maybe he’s somehow controlling Bush, from his shrubbery. I think it has to do something with his laser eyes. He stares long enough and you submit to his will, and I’ve heard his evil eyes kills puppies and kittens too.

The moral of the story is that Cheney is inhuman, creepy, and probably going to somehow take over in 2008.

I bet Rove has something to do with this. That man is a genius. I’m going to bet that he wants to send the not-so-subtle message that Cheney could be anywhere, hiding in your local shrubbery, watching your every move. They’re so advanced! They don’t even need wiretaps! Cheney is slowly becoming uber-powerful with his ability to steal souls and control you with his laser eyes.

I just thought everyone should know. I mean we have it easier here in New York because there’s not a lot of underbrush for Cheney to hide in…but please be careful…you’ll never know when he’ll pop out and…shoot your face and eat your still beating heart.

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