Last night marked the premiere of Brooklyn Skeptic’s favorite vampire show about completely stupid, stupid idiot jerks. Oh my goodness, so stupid. I think this show is written by a fourteen-year-old assistant manager at Hot Topic and the re-animated corpse of Grandpa Munster. But yes, we still watch it. Because we love Grandpa Munster. And recklesley used to work at Hot Topic.
Anyway. Last season saw Sookie Stackhouse fall in love with vampire Bill, who killed a fellow vampire to save her life. As punishment, he was forced to turn a 17-year-old choir girl into the most annoying vampire of all time. Meanwhile, Jason Stackhouse was starting to find God, Tara was living with a woman who likes to be naked with pigs and shake a lot, Sam turns into a dog and Lafayette, the only beacon of light on this otherwise mostly black abyss of suckage, seemed dead. Oh and there is a legion of really creepy blond-haired vampires who want to continue killing humans.
This season started off with Sookie and Tara screaming with a drunk Andy Bellefleur as they find a body in his car. It doesn’t end up being Lafayette, but that weird voodoo lady that made Tara drink peyote (they remind you in a flashback for the memory impaired, or those that tried hard enough to forget how utterly stupid that plot line was). Tara has to answer questions in jail, and then her mom bursts in and acts all ridiculous (but still sober, ridiculous).
Then we see Bill trying to domesticate Jessica (the newly-turned vampire), giving her a bed time (no later than 4am – haha oh my goodness – my vampire sides hurt!) and having a taste test with different kinds of True Blood. Jason is getting into the Fellowship of the Sun, an anti-vampire group that is taking advantage of his stupidity. Lafayette ends up in a creepy basement where people have to move a wheel to take a shit and Eric (grown-up Draco Malfoy) comes down every so often to kill someone. Why is Lafayette down here? I guess because he was selling vampire blood last season or something.
Meanwhile Sam knows the freaky vibrating pig lady because they boned when he was seventeen. He got freaked out while they were boning because she started vibrating a lot, which doesn’t make sense. Wouldn’t that be kind of awesome? And compared to him being half man/half labradoodle, isn’t that pretty normal?
And Sookie and Bill fight about stupid things before having the weirdest sex ever ya’ll. It involves Bill biting Sookie and then kissing her and smearing her own blood all over her face. Uh…hot? I miss the dirt sex, personally. It took a while for Sookie to appear naked in the last season (what, it’s not like we were all waiting for that or anything), but I’m going to go ahead and bet that she’ll be naked in almost every episode of this season. This show is too bad to not do that. Or too good to not do that. Whichever. Grandpa Munster wants to see Anna Paquin’s boobs.