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Posts Tagged ‘Jimmy Fallon’

The Gowanus Lounge told me that Brooklyn Brewery might move into Smith & 5th!

I once made the trek out to the industrial boneyard that is W-burg to celebrate a fellow blogger’s b-day at the Brewery, and it was great. The only bad part was getting there. And getting back.

Yay beer gardens! I’m thirsty.

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chickenA bunch of chickens have eaten chicken feed tainted with the industrial chemical melamine, used to manufacture plastic utensils and fertilizer. Gross.

Apparently the feed was partially made from pet food that had ALREADY been recalled because of its taintedness. Gross.

Richard Lobb, a spokesman for the National Chicken Council says to blame China!

“Melamine is not supposed to be in any animal feed, pet food… it’s an industrial chemical and that problem goes back to China where they were deliberately spiking the product with melamine and before that with urea in order to boost its protein content,” Lobb said.

Eww! Urea? That’s nasty. I bet that China’s not the only place where that kind of shit (or piss) happens.

So who is to blame? China? No way. Blame the chicken growers importing their feed rather than feeding the chickens things grown on their own farm. Importing feed, even when it’s not loaded with nasties, is bad a) when its manufacture creates pollution, b) when its shipment creates even more pollution, c) when the chemicals in it make the chicken sick, d) when the chickens get antibiotics to combat the sickness from the tainted feed and our bodies get overloaded with antibiotics, and e) when the people getting rich off of it are the pharmaceutical manufacturers and the industrial feed manufacturers, and farmers are forced to participate in the system even though it is totally f-ed up.

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Had I known. That. There was a whale. Down the street from me. In. The Gowanus Canal. I. Would have. Dropped whatever I was doing. To. See. That. Shit.

I. Love. Whales.

In all seriousness though, there being a whale in the Gowanus Canal both worries and excites me. I worry due to the canal’s poisonous toxins, but I am excited because there was a whale in Brooklyn.

Sea life is so amazing.

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I think there’s one more thing that must be noted about our favorite river of filth oozing through the heart of Brooklyn: subliminal messages.

gowANUS cANAL

It’s as though the under-appreciated body of water is saying, “look everyone, there is one other thing in the world that’s nastier than me.”

Earlier:

Gowanus Canal Debate Series: Yay
Gowanus Canal Debate Series: Nay
Gowanus Canal Debate Series: Yay II

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GowanusYou need to sit back and rethink your whole relationship with Brooklyn. I mean, don’t you learn to love all the mutated mice and slime of the one you hold dear, just like Billy Crystal in When Harry Met Sally?

The best thing about Brooklyn is the toxic creatures, the muck, and the buildings that look like they’re leftover from “The Blitz” in WW2. After a while it makes you feel at home.

Really the canal adds to the overall atmosphere of Brooklyn. The quiet stagnant water reflecting the off-colored lights, the indefinable smells, the colorful graffiti…I don’t know why you love Brooklyn, but the irony of expensive boutiques and trendy cafe’s next to scenes of The Warriors…really tugs at my heartstrings.

Gowanus “yay”s pull in the lead.

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Friend: I am so nay. Though you bring up some interesting facts about our dear Gowanus Canal, it’s not enough to change my mind on the matter. Fact is, the Gowanus Canal is a potentially harmful stream of chemicals that spawns mutant mosquitoes during the summer. And being just one block away from the man made toxic water hole, I must bear the brunt of this ‘squito situation. People often think screening one’s windows will be enough to deter some flimsy little mosquito from entering into an apartment. However, when mosquitoes are brought to life by an ungodly pool of poison, they inherit the strength of an angry soccer mom and are able to physically bend screen wires open with their arms. I’ve seen this occur. It’s some crazy shit. That being said, I will go on to rebut some of your “high” points. Even though, I think I just won this argument by sharing my *true story, which is based on *actual events.

So you say, “The Canal has proven itself an exceptional receptacle for rats caught in a certain apartment that were not executed in an electric box.” First of all, nothing is better than a rat killing electric box. I think you and I both know that’s true. There isn’t anything more satisfying than waking up to a dead rat in your kitchen, fried, and in an electric casket. But more importantly, I recently watched a documentary on rats and if you think throwing them into a poisonous canal will kill them, you are wrong. Dead (but not a dead rat) wrong. Rats maintain the ability to collapse their skeletons into the size of a nickel and can live in a toilet for weeks at a time. Do you really believe a pool of toxic fluid can kill them? If anything at all, toxins will just make them bigger, stronger, and yup, you guessed it, deadlier. Have you never seen “The Hulk”? Because I have, and the last thing this world needs is a monster (!!!) size rat wearing cut-off jean shorts. (That’s what the Hulk wore when he got really big. Jean shorts are known for their great elasticity.)

You also mention, “The Canal is an excellent place to unburden yourself of illegal firearms – or legal firearms that were used in an illegal act.” Wrong. If anything, the forces of the Canal’s toxic energy molecules would enable loaded firearms to go off on their own, bringing attention to the (hopefully) illegally discarded items. And even if not loaded, that toxic liquid has most likely developed a mind of its own, and therefore would find ways to load the gun itself.

Lastly you bring up, “Without the canal, there would be no need for the little bridges on Union, Carroll, 3rd and 9th Streets.” Hey, have you ever been late to an event or missed the train because there was a divided (cement) bridge in the middle of 9th avenue? Because I have. And you know what bridge that was? Oh, you don’t? Well it was the Gowanus Canal bridge, if you couldn’t already guess by my tone. Although it doesn’t happen often, every once in a while the bridge disbands and you’re forced to wait and watch as a little steam boat passes under. And while that sounds charming, it is. However, being late for restaurant reservations is not.

There you have it, my incredibly accurate, and strong rebuttal. What say, you?

*True story has been taken from an actual dream I had, making it a very solid argument.

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Hot and/or Not: Jimmy Fallon hosting a late night program. Fallon is in talks to take over Conan O’Brien’s time slot once O’Brien moves onto Tonight Show status. Interesting. I sometimes think I too might be good at that….hosting a late night talk show. Since I don’t try to avoid talking to strangers or have a minor case of social anxiety disorder. Oh wait, yes I do. Anyway, who knows? Maybe Fallon does have some secret talk show talent. Who cares if he can’t get through a Saturday Night Live skit without bursting into laughter, disrupting the flow of the entire skit. Not me, that’s for sure. Seriously though, I do like it when that happens. I mean, doesn’t everyone? But can talk show hosts mess up their lines? I think it’s not so fun/funny when a host can’t properly conduct a interview. Oh well. But I will say, I don’t hate Jimmy Fallon. A lot of my friends do. But like I just said, I don’t. He’s got some charm and little bit of charisma. Maybe not enough to carry a show five nights a week, but hey, Jay Leno’s made a career out of sucking. So maybe it’s not so hard.

PS. I’d like to thank Pete Smith for linking me to the NYTimes article, “Jimmy Fallon Said to Be in NBC’s Late-Night Plans.” You’re the best.

There’s your stupid shout out, Pete.

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