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Posts Tagged ‘Hick’

On last night’s Idol, Kristy Lee Cook took her “simple hick girl” thing a little too far. That’s right. She sang “God Bless the USA.” I just want to remind our readers that this was, in fact, the same song that my entire elementary school sang together – along to the tape, of course – in front of all our parents as some kind of Bush I era No Child Left Behind initiative.

Below, I dissect the implications of this act, based on whether she is a retarded back-woods blond or an evil genius. Please join me in this excercise.

Possibility 1: Kristy Lee Cook is a hick. She’s a simple girl who loves horses and God and America. She chose a song that reflects two of her three interests.

Implications:

  • Her earnest rendition of this classic Operation Desert Storm tune will resonate in the hearts of other hick Americans and she will continue on into the late rounds of Season 7
  • She will have followed in the rich tradition of all-American sweethearts who pull at the heartstrings of nationalists, a la Josh Gracin, Marine and Popular Idol Contestant of Season 2

Possibility 2: Kristy Lee Cook is an evil genius. With her keen sense of America’s socio-political breakdown, she calculated that the most willful and extravagant American Idol voters are, in fact, the Christian Right. In the off-months between elections, pastors have no choice but to encourage parishioners (via fear of eternal damnation and skin-melting heat) to vote for the Idol contestant who most closely holds their anti-abortion, America First beliefs. This is Kristy.

Implications:

  • Exploiting this voting block for every consecutive performance, Kristy Lee Cook will sail through the final rounds, eventually being crowned as this season’s American Idol.
  • Kristy Lee Cook will ruin the only genuine thing about the show: that contestants are generally clueless n00bs, who, thinking they are the next Celine Dion or Whitney Houston, pick songs that are hopelessly wrong for them. But this is good. Nobody likes a calculating, know-it-all music exec in the lithe body of a 20-year-old farm girl.

I ask you, dear readers, to decide for yourself.

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