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Posts Tagged ‘Growing Pains’

From: xXGeorgieBushieXx@hotmail.com
To: KarlRove19283@yahoo.com

“OMG!1 Dude, man…Gonzo is being friggin’ ripped to shreds. They want to interview you man, but LOL I’m the pres-E-dent. LMFAO. I’ll show them !!one!1!!!11!. Hold on, I’m sending more troops to Iraq.”

That’s what I imagine the personal, secret, emails between the administration officials sounds like, since the Republican Party set up a private email server. Which sorta/kinda/mostly/does breaks a law. There’s this nice little thing called the Presidential Records Act, which is based on the idea that public/government work is public record, and that the ownership lies ultimately with the public. So it’s automatically saved. It’s part of the idea hoping for a “transparent” government. This is frightening for our current administration, because our president is scared of teh internetz and umm…accountability:

“I tend not to e-mail – not only tend not to e-mail, I don’t e-mail, uh, because of, uh, the different record requests that could happen to a president. I don’t want to receive e-mails, ’cause, you know, there’s no telling what somebody would e-mail me and it would show up as, uh, you know, part of some kind of a story that – and I wouldn’t be able to say, ‘Well, I didn’t read the e-mail’ – ‘But I sent it your address; how can you say you didn’t?’ So, in other words, I’m very cautious about e-mailing.”BUSH (youtube)

Luckily, other people in the administration use email. Rove is on the cutting edge of science. And since they were not on the government’s email system, they have to give them up (no executive privilege). Except…drats Rove accidentally deleted his emails regarding congress’ investigation into the whole GONZO thing. It’s not his fault though, the whole White House was just really confused:

“…any deletion of e-mails from the Republican accounts was sparked by confusion over a White House policy…” – CNN

Awww, poor guys. The interweb is a big scary place, especially when you throw in laws and policies in the mix. Well while they get everything straightened out, can someone buy them this book?

 

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Saddam Hussein, in an elaborate ruse worthy of the Three Stooges, somehow managed to escape the execution that was legitimately captured on some dude’s camera phone. Or so says a gaggle of conspiracy theorists.

I would just love this to be true if it would mean a little more heartbreak for George Bush.

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I believe I’ve figured it all out.

Every time Congress is investigating the current administration, there is a widespread attack of memory loss. They suddenly can’t remember talking to other staff members, emails they sent, letters given, meetings, etc. Alberto Gonzales can’t remember if he was involved with the firings of the attorneys, his assistant doesn’t remember talking to Rove, etc.

All you can do is take their word and move on. Thank goodness, I mean if they remembered, someone could challenge their honesty and then throw around words like “lies” and “perjury”. It would all just slow down these investigations.

Seriously, someone needs to step in. Find the best Doctors, because I believe there’s a health crisis going on. They must have a very potent virus running around the capitol, eating their memories. The sooner we can quarantine everyone and find a cure, the sooner we can find the answers that we need.

I wish them all a speedy recovery.

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Brooklyn Skeptic’s hard-hitting coverage of the tragedy of Anna Nicole Smith’s life/death continues today with news that her death has been deemed “accidental” by Broward County officials. Apparently she suffered some kind of bad reaction as the woman was literally a cornucopia of drugs. If the pilgrims had this woman instead of root vegetables and fish in their corn (growing) holes, let’s just say this country would have turned out a little differently.

cornucopia.gif

A Cornucopia – “The Horn of Plenty”

Imagine it was filled with drugs.

More importantly, the lethal combo for her was eerily similar to the one that killed her son last fall, according to the family coroner. Methadone and anti-depressants. I know after hearing this news, many of you will also have to change your breakfast drug cocktail. And, just a note of caution, if you are injecting your methadone yourself, be sure to wipe your skin with an alcohol swab first, because bacterial infections in your blood also contribute to the likelihood of your kicking up daisies in the manner of Ms. Smith. I only tell you because I care.

Anyway, the bottom line is that this is total bullshit. There is a huge conspiracy afoot, but I’m not sure who the main players are yet – if only because I am constitutionally unable to identify celebrities. I defer to Johnb on this one.

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This is technically called Drowning In Republican Tears #3, but really I think this is just everyone else’s tears.

GonzyFrom the man who denies the existence of Habeas Corpus, and stood up against Defense Secretary Robert Gates for wanting to shut down Guantanamo, I bring you Alberto Gonzales! (more…)

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PSA

Question: Is My Penis Normal?

Answer: As much as I’m sure we’d all like a straight yes or no answer on this one, KidsHealth.Org did not offer one. They did say, however, that “you wouldn’t expect someone who is 11 years old to look the same as someone who’s 19.” Reassuring and creepy at the same time.

P.S. Puberty is a normal and beautiful time of life, and nothing to be ashamed of. Totally.

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“Mr. Giuliani…would be only the second Catholic president and the first of Italian heritage.”

So what they’re trying to say is…um…wait, does this count as non-white or something? Are these big hurdles nowadays? I suppose I understand, because above all, his alliance would have to be to  the Pope and to left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers (or “New Yorkers,” as they’re more commonly refered to).

The biggest problem for him, I think, is that if he’s elected president, Democrats will not be driven to suicide. Maybe some of them will sit in their rooms listening to Tori Amos and carving “Barack” into their forearms, but they’ll get over that. I mean, he’s shown a certain level of competency; he’s not affiliated with the evangelicals; he can’t spit out what he means by “constructionist” judges; he’s not particularly interested in fetuses. He’s more of a Democrat than Lieberman. I think this will pose a problem for him in terms of getting the Republican nomination and also in terms of getting evangelical/neo-con types to actually vote for him. He’s going to alienate the vast majority of Republicans because of his social views.

And look! He shows a pretty concrete understanding of one major Iraq fuck-up: “‘I would have us not disband’ the Iraqi military or purge the government of Baath Party members, because ‘that meant getting rid of the entire civil service,’ he said, adding: ‘The country had no infrastructure.'” And I mean, bitch knows a little something about civil infrastructure.

Nevertheless, he has no experience working in the international realm and, above all, is a Republican which is non-populist by definition. So while I think he would be a perfectly competent administrator, I think he lacks the values and priorities to actually affect positive change for Americans.

PS: I once had a dream about Ben Seaver and Stephanie Tanner getting married. It was the happiest night of my life.

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