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Posts Tagged ‘Fake Legs’

Gridskipper came up with a guide to drunk-making stuff made in Brooklyn and Manhattan! Way to go! Perhaps a reprise of the Brooklyn Skeptic Brooklyn Beer tasting is in order?

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No, not the semi-underground sport roommate hunting. I’m referring to the kind of roommate hunt that involves posting an open room in your apartment on Craigslist and seeing what kind of scaries come out to ingratiate themselves and borrow into your living quarters. Here are some thoughts should any of you decide to embark on a similar journey.

1. Craigslist trollers have their responses down to a science. Within 24 hours of posting my ad, I had over 100 well-crafted life stories packed into my inbox. Many of them extolled my ad-writing skills, saying that I had awakened them from the dreary haze of reading apartment listings. Let me assure you that my ad was neither amusing nor outstanding. It may differ only in the lack of spelling errors. Either way, nearly all of the responses were identical because apparently every young woman in New York is exactly the same. I suppose I knew that already.

2. Might I suggest inviting an extremely judgemental friend to supervise your interactions with potential roommates and then offer scathing criticism when they leave? Because it’s very helpful. Thanks, johnbaptisedme.

3. Young women apartment seachers in New York can tend towards the overzealous. Maybe don’t pick the one who called you five times within 12 hours of meeting her. Because she’s crazy.

4. No one will tell you to your face that they are not interested in the apartment. One girl (who showed up a half hour late for her appointment with nary a phone call or apology) walked through the apartment, asked one question and then said, “well, I’m going to head out.” I asked her if she was interested in the place at all – she most certainly wasn’t – and if I should call her when I’ve made a decision. She said I should. Um, why not just say you’re not interested, weird girl with a Blackberry in one hand and a Razr in the other? Your existence annoys me.

5. If at all possible, don’t wait until the end of the month to look for a roommate. Because everyone who is looking to move immediately is coming from a crisis situation. And anyone who finds themselves in a residence-related crisis is probably not going to be an ideal roommate.

6. Myspace and Facebook are your friends. Don’t feel bad about doing a little surreptitious background check on your candidates. They say a picture is worth a thousand words…especially if that picture is your potential roommate soul-kissing a bottle of Rolling Rock and grinding with her sorority sisters in a mid-western sports bar. And they’re all wearing WWJD bracelets and hotpants.

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I heard lots about David Bowie’s High Line festival, certainly. But I didn’t actually know what High Line is – where the money from the hip, hot, exciting events was going.

The High Line is a 1.5 mile elevated railway that runs along the West Side of Manhattan.

highline1.jpg

Isn’t it pretty?

highline2.jpg

It will be made into a public park.

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I’d like to see it for myself.

Here’s a map of where it actually lies in Manhattan.

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Dear RK,

I don’t know how to tell you this, but you are mired in a prejudice so thick and vile, you may never find your way out. The yellow trains are not slow. I mean, no more slow than any of the other trains – all of which travel at the speed and with the agility of a toddler. The F train is no prize, my friend.

However, you did make a good point regarding the above-ground stops. I love those. But you know what’s better than chugging along past the Kentile sign at Smith & 9th? Crossing the East River on the N and Q trains (also on the B & D trains that I use to get to work). You can look north and see the charming waterfront-industrial scene or you can look south (my choice) and see the Statue of Liberty, the Brooklyn Bridge, the big shiny Financial District buildings, boats, dead bodies…it’s like a little bit of heaven! All the while, your F train is creeping along underground like so many giant, seething rats.

Seething rats.

f-train.jpg = rat.jpg

A simile.

Earlier:
Subway (Debate) Series
Subway (Debate) Series: Rebuttal

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Why do people go to Manhattan clubs? They’re crowded, expensive, and the polar opposite of fun. Not fun. They’re pretty much all awful. Each and every one. But I think the worst might be BLVD. Pronounced “boulevard.” It’s tricky, I know. BLVD is located on Bowery between Spring St. and Hell. But it’s closer to Hell. You’ll see it. It has its minions standing guard outside. They’re not too noticeable at first, looking like typical Manhattan bouncers, however once they speak to you it’s impossible to ignore their satan inspired attitude, and asshole-like faces. Also, try not to look them straight in the eye. You might turn into stone. Or vomit. So best to try to avoid that.

Another reason to hate BLVD is for its dresscode; men are required to wear button up shirts and loafers of some kind. No sneakers. However, the bouncers/doormen are allowed to look as though they spent the early afternoon hours punching their faces in with their own fists, and wear clothes that resemble outfits that could be found at a Mordor tag sale. Justice, where is the justice? And most annoying, BLVD enforces a “no cutting” policy, even if, let’s say, a certain someone (me, perhaps?) was in line with friends but then left to (very quickly) use the bathroom at the Chinese restaurant next door.  Once returning to her original spot, this certain someone would be forced to move to the back of the line.  (That was a true story.) Total bullshit. It’s fine though, Medusa (bouncer’s nickname, by me) received a nice long reprimand afterwards. It went really well. He seemed to really care. Moving along, once inside BLVD’s sneaker-free club, one can enjoy the extremely reasonably priced $8 coat check, $15 drinks, $50 minimum credit card tab, and $25 cover. It’s like heaven on earth.

So, if you’re looking to get into an argument with a bouncer and spend a chunk of your weekly earnings on watered down drinks, well then BLVD is the place to go. And if what you’re searching for is the opposite of that? Well, I say spend your weekends in Brooklyn. Sweet, sweet Brooklyn.

*Note: Author left the BLVD scene shortly after battling it out with Medusa. However, all prices have been confirmed by some friends who decided to stay.

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It’s been brought to my attention that not everyone knows the A+ list celebrities mentioned in the “Guess Who’s Dancin’?” post. To clear up any confusion, I will go through a few of the lesser known, but just as talented, famous contestants competing in this season’s “Dancing With the Stars.”

Ian Ziering: I didn’t realize there were people in this world who wouldn’t recognize that name. Ziering is a Beverly Hills 90210 alum, playing Steve Saunders for 10+ years. If you still don’t know who Ziering is, you really shouldn’t be reading this blog, since you are lame.

Billy Ray Cyrus: Cyrus sang the hit song, “Achy, Breaky Heart” and is most famous for sporting a glorious mullet in the late 90s. Cyrus was also the lead character in the hit TV drama, “Doc,” which reruns regularly on the PAX network. Oh, he’s also Hannah’s father in Disney’s original series, “Hannah Montana.” He might actually be the biological father of the “Hannah” actress. But don’t quote me on that. However, if I’m right, I’m a genius.

Heather Mills: Mills is Paul McCartney’s recently divorced wife. She has a fake leg.

Hope these footnotes helped. If you have anymore questions, look them up on wikipedia.org, lazies.

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