Posts Tagged ‘Fake Leg’

In order to avoid misunderstandings among friends, I recently went back to Royale to perform some scientific inquiry on its ass. In a previous post, I had professed its awesomeness – with due qualifications – and was brutally shut down. Admittedly, I had visited the bar on the worst possible time to go out in New York, Saturday night. This time, I went to Happy Hour – the best light in which to see a drinking establishment – with the express purpose of collecting numerical data, which I would like to share with you.

The basic assertion that I am challenging is that Welcome to the Johnson’s has the best Happy Hour in the five boroughs of New York City. On a ten point scale, I hearby prove that Royale is a strong contender, if not the unquestionable winner. Please find definitions and measurements below the chart.


DP: Drink Price
As a percentage of hourly pay

DFW: Distance from Work
As a percentage of an hour

C: Crowdedness
As a percentage of the total seats filled in the bar

S: Smell
As a percentage of stink molecules in the air

MV: Music volume
100% = the volume of regular human conversation

AoB: Adorableness of Bartender
As a percentage of ooogie-smoogie-boogums

PoB: Personableness of Bartender
As a percentage of time filled with witty banter

K: Kitchiness
As a percentage of ridiculous things in the bar, like Jenga or family photographs

BS: Bathroom Scariness
As a percentage of bathroom-related nightmares following the drinking session during regular sleeping hours (normally about 13%)

F: Formalness
As a percentage of men present wearing non-ironic ties

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506 Fifth Avenue @ 12th Street
Park Slope, Brooklyn

royale.jpgRoyale might actually be the polar opposite of Jackie’s 5th Amendment. It is a real cool bar. There are no old people here. There are only track jackets and hoop earrings as far as the eye can see.

When Brooklyn Skeptic hit this place up, we were fortunate enough to have staked out a prime piece of real estate in the back room at an enormous booth, only made cozy by the fact that we had seven or eight people sitting in it. From this slightly elevated point, we had a tactical advantage in assessing the crowd. They were, for the most part, very hot. They danced on the tiny, illegal dance floor. They flirted while wearing enormously tall stilettos. They drank Manhattanly-priced drinks. The DJ was wearing an Elmo tee shirt, and that was weird, but notwithstanding… Upon reading that over, the crowd sounds super-douchey and downright Midtown. This is not the case. What I’m trying to say is that this is a cool bar with hot people. They dress well. They dance well. But you don’t get the impression that they’re total assholes. Can you even imagine such a place?

The bouncer, though, made the bar. I loved him. At just a shade over 400 pounds, he perched on a stool just inside the door. He wore a three-piece suit and a fedora. And he had a lapel pin which was – get this – delicate silver handcuffs. He winked at me when I left. Classy!

I hear there’s a good happy hour until 9pm. We’ll check that shit out and get back to you.

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*Comments in italics are brought to you by an Instant Message conversation between Recklesley and Johnbaptisedme, as they simultaneously watched the season premiere of “Dancing with the Stars.” (Although, Johnbaptised me was a little behind, since she had dvr’d the first hour. But she eventually caught up to Recklesley and the rest of America. Like the champ that she is.)

Johnb: I’m not really into this season of “Dancing.”
Reck: Yeah.
Johnb: I can sense it already.

That being said, I hope you enjoy our review.

-Ian Ziering and Cheryl-


Recklesley: Well, Ian, now that I know who you are, it occurs to me that I couldn’t care less about you. Your incredibly limited acting career is probably the impetus for you competing in this show. You’re hungry, aren’t you.

Johnbaptisedme: Ouch. Way to rip Ian a new one, Recklesley. I for one, am rooting for Ian. Sure he hasn’t done much with his career post Bev nine-oh, but neither has Jason Priestly. And you know what? I still love Jason. And so would you, if you knew who he was. Which I’m sure you don’t. Burn.

Johnb: Ian’s good. Good form.
Johnb: He’s much cuter now than he ever was on 90210.
Johnb: It’s weird how men age more gracefully than women.

(A young Steve Saunders.)

-Paulina and Alec-

Johnbaptisedme: For those of you who don’t know, Alec won the very first “Dancing with the Stars.” He is very, very attractive, and a good dancer as well. His partner however, is a dumb model. I don’t enjoy watching these two together.

(At this time Recklesley decided to disrupt the the flow of our AIM conversation, and take a shower. She has no comments for this pair.)

Johnb: I love Alec. The hot professional.
Reck: You’re so gay for this show.

-Billy Ray and Karina-

Johnbaptisedme: Karina had the best partner last season. Mario Lopez. Lopez was the closest thing to a professional dancer this competition has ever seen. This season Karina has the worst partner. Billy Ray Cyrus. Billy is so bad, I think he’s the reason there were no coffee cups at my work this morning.

(Recklesley– still showering.)

Johnb: Billy Ray Cyrus. Haha.
Johnb: Wtf. This is insane.
Johnb: He is so bad.

Johnb: That made me feel weird.
Reck: John Ratzenberger just gave me a hard on.
Reck: That makes me feel weird.
Johnb: Haha.

-Leeza and Tony-

Johnbaptisedme: This is the stupidest team. Both these people are awful. And I think Tony might actually be my arch nemesis.

Recklesley: At this point I was done with my shower, but I was hiding out in my room listening to Leeza be incredibly dumb. I decided to just wait it out. But yeah, that guy’s eyebrows are freaking me out. I see why you hate him.

Johnb: I hate this guy’s guts.
Johnb: This is the most boring performance I’ve ever seen.
Reck: I didn’t see them.
Johnb: You didn’t miss much.

-Joey Fatone and Kym-

Recklesley: How is Joey Fatone not considered a professional dancer? He spent the better part of my teenagerhood dancing around behind Justin (who is also a professional dancer), making like 75 billion dollars. Literally, this was his job, thus he is a professional. I loved the look of shock and dismay on the judges’ faces when they saw how great a dancer he was. P. R. O. F. E. S. S. I. O. N. A. L.

Johnbaptisedme: The thing is, Recklesley, you didn’t watch last season. If you had, you would know that Mario Lopez was a better dancer than Joey, not to mention the fact that he has the body of an Adonis. So that may be why the judges were surprised. Since on paper, someone like Joey, in spite of his formal boy band training, wouldn’t seem like a very good (ballroom) dancer.

(Yeah, I don’t really know what my point is either. I think it has something to do with Joey seeming like he wouldn’t be that great. Maybe?)

Recklesley: You know as well as I do, that even on Saved By The Bell, Mario Lopez was an amazing dancer. He’s clearly a classically trained ballerino, even though that is not his primary profession. Nevertheless, I believe the reason that they had dancing at all on SBTB was because of Mario’s mad skills. I draw your attention to the dance competition episode where Lisa Turtle’s leg was broken and she and Screech hobbled/danced and everyone was so inspired they joined in. Um, but also Slater danced in the competition and we was abnormally graceful for a meat-head 16 year old.

Johnbaptisedme: Wait, I do know as well as you. I already stated Mario Lopez was a superb dancer. Are you drunk?

Recklesley: It’s confusing to write this.

Johnb: Aw, I love Joey Fat One.
Reck: I know.
Johnb: He’s gonna win it.

-Laila Ali and Maksim-

Recklesley: At the risk of sounding like a “wussy with a p,” holy shit. Laila Ali scares me to my core. I hesitate to call her a man, but…

Johnb: I agree. Laila Ali could totally beat me to a pulp. But then again, so could Clay Aiken.

Reck: She’s a total dude. I feel bad about saying that, as a liberated woman.
Johnb: It’s fine. She is a dude.
Johnb: Yo, her voice is mad low.

-John and Edyta-

Recklesley: I told Johnbaptised me that this performance gave me a hard on. I was lying. This performance actually gave me about eight years of psychotherapy and a cutting problem.

Johnbaptisedme: Recklesley is clearly new to the “Dancing with the Stars” game. Otherwise, she would know that John Ratzenberger is actually quite good, for his age….and build. Frankly, watching Sara Evans strut her stuff last season was far more disturbing. And gross. Not to mention the fact that her partner was Tony, as in, “I hate his guts” Tony. Um, scroll up if you’ve already forgotten who my arch nemesis is. (It’s Tony.)

Johnb: This performance gave you a hard on?
Reck: No, I was kidding.
Johnb: Oh, I think he’s great.
Johnb: I’d vote for him.

(And I did. Just kidding. I vote for no one.)

-Shandi and Brian-

Recklesley: Oh Brian, you are gay. Shhhhh…I know. It’s okay. I know you’re not ready to own it yet, but once you do, life will open up wonderful, fulfilling doors for you. Your “look how straight I am” show with Shandi was amateur, at best. You should look to Ziering for some acting tips.

Johnbaptisedme: I wholeheartedly agree with Recklesley on this one. Also, I hate this pair. I fall asleep just thinking about them. Because they are b o r i n g. Also, take a good look at this guy. Do you think he signed off on this picture to be his representative photo?

Johnb: This guy’s a freak.
Reck: I know. They’re bad.
Reck: But they’re clearly fucking already.
Johnb: I think he might be gay.
Reck: He does seem gay, but clearly he doesn’t think he is.
Johnb: Oh yeah, he definitely doesn’t know he’s gay.

(At this point, Johnbaptisedme’s Internet connection broke. Therefore, the AIM review was brought to a sudden end.)

-Clyde and Elena-

Recklesley: Clyde is tall. Elena is short. Ha ha ha.

Johnbaptisedme: I like Clyde. He seems like a gentle giant.

-Heather and Jonathan-

Recklesley: Happy her leg stayed on. Feel bad about everything else I’m thinking.

Johnbaptisedme: I was nervous watching Heather. But she did well, I think. My opinion may be swayed. Swayed because she only has one fully functioning leg. But either way, I don’t want to go to hell. So I’m going to stop critiquing her.

From earlier in the evening:
Johnb: Heather Mills
Johnb: How is this going to work?
Reck: I don’t know.

-Apolo and Julianne-

Recklesley: Apolo, shave that shit off your face. And grow some mystique.

Johnbaptisedme: I don’t enjoy this couple. I can’t fully get behind Apolo, for Winter Olympics ’02 reasons. (Remember the whole South Korea debacle?) Just kidding. Apolo’s cool. Despite the facial hair. But that girl is so young. Too young. Stupid.

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