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Posts Tagged ‘creationism’

I watched my first (and last) episode of The Hills the other night, and this is what I retained from the show:

  1. It is about a small faction of Hitler Youth living in the Hollywood Hills.
  2. They speak in a code language, using phrasing like “WTF?” “LOL” and “bitchcakes.”
  3. Heidi totally spread a rumor about Lauren being in some totally bogus sex tape even though they were like totally BFF’s before but Heidi was all “what the fuck?” and then Lauren was all “oh no you didn’t just say that” and Heidi was like “whatever slut” and it was like so totally sweet.
  4. They are on a network that once promoted the art of music.

This was the first thing I had watched on Music Television for a long time, as I, like the majority of the world, realized that it had replaced music with rich, drunk teens who like to have sex. And now, apparently, even MTV has realized this. According to Gawker, who spoke with a staffer at the network, there is a “What does M stand for?” party going on that is very….mmmmysterious. Has MTV finally thrown in the towel? Given up on what they once were? Did they finally read all of my letters and decide to bring back Singled Out? (Hey – Chris Hardwick had real stage presence.) Is the M finally going to stand for something realistic, like Malignant? Or will MTV return to its musical roots?

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There was a time when scientific beliefs were simple. You read the bible about talking snakes, people living for a thousand years, giant arks, raining of sulfur, and you fit your other beliefs around these stories. All you needed was this one book to help guide everything else: morals, history, science, government, etc.

Then came along Charles Darwin, with his dark crusade against religion. He spent years of his life studying plant life and animals on lands across the globe…finding the single way to destroy religion as we know it. The devious production of his scientific “research” was evolution.

Luckily, we now have The Creation Museum to bring us back to the good old days of viewpoints based on ancient texts. As the creator of the museum stated, “All scientists have presuppositions that they start with that determine how they interpret evidence”, and obviously the presuppositions of scientists over the past 200 years has been Satan.

In this museum, all wrongs have been corrected. The world once again was created in 6 days, with the herbivorous Tyrannosaurus Rex hanging out with children…because as founder states, “There may not be any fossil evidence showing dinosaurs and people in the same place at the same time. But it is clearly written that they were alive at the same time.” So there you have it. All those wasted years wasting time “researching”, when the answer was already laying around in our hotel rooms. And if you need more proof, stop by the “Bible Authority Room“, where you learn the Bible 100% literal and true because God said so (letting you know that doubt equals idiocy)! At the museum they’ve also been able to conjure up great detail about those important things that the “scientists” (in their bigotry) ignored…like what was the Garden of Eden like, and how did Noah survive with all those animals?

Thanks to the creation museum, we can finally beat the scientists and their anti-religion agenda and fight their diabolical schemes to play god and take over the sheepish populace’s minds with scientific mumbo-jumbo, and their evil plots.

TAKE THAT SCIENCE!

Finaly Score: God +9,323 / Science – 38

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A couple weeks ago I tripped while shopping at TJ Maxx. I tried to laugh it off and act as though I was okay with the situation, but being that I was by myself, I don’t think anyone was buying it. A few minutes later I left.

The point of this story is, I can only imagine what Miss USA is feeling right now. Poor thing.

If I were her I would’ve kept on cat-walking off the runway onto the nearest bridge. Then I would’ve jumped off.

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