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Posts Tagged ‘Bloomberg’

In a city only slightly less depraved than New York, but equally hated by most of America, our fine Mayor Bloomberg shuffled his Republican party affiliation off this mortal coil. Yesterday in Los Angeles, Bloomberg announced that he will now vote as an independent and run as an independent…if he so chooses to run for any particular office in the future…not that he is saying he is…it’s really more of a house-keeping type thing…you know, because…okay fine! He wants to be president, damn it! He just hates guns and loves abortion too much to be Republican. And he hates poor people to much to be a Democrat.

The gagillionaire Mayor explained to a California audience that included Gov. Schwarzenegger the many critiques he has for both the Republican and Democratic parties. The Governator retorted, “stop whining, you idiot!” He then got in his Hummer and drove away. After the disruption, Bloomberg continued to to address the crowd: “Any successful elected executive knows that real results are more important than partisan battles, and that good ideas should take precedence over rigid adherence to any particular political ideology.” He later added, “unless we’re talking about sweet, sweet capitalism.”

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Have you heard the news? Alec Baldwin has anger management issues. I’m not surprised. He’s related to Stephen Baldwin. Stephen Baldwin who, while a contestant on 2002’s “Celebrity Mole,” tried to strangle Kathy Griffin. (I remember the important things.)

Anyway, in case you don’t pay attention to celebrity gossip, I’ll catch you up to speed. Last week an enraged Baldwin left his daughter, Ireland, a pretty nasty voicemail. Apparently Ireland’s phone was turned off during one of their scheduled father-daughter calls, and this set Baldwin into a fuming ball of fury. (Though, straight to voicemail calls are annoying.) And this voicemail was “somehow” leaked onto the internet. I say “somehow” like “somehow” since I assume this particular v.mail leakage was no accident. No, sir. No accident, indeed. I find it hard to believe any paparazzimonger would be so interested in Basinger and Baldwin’s eleven year old daughter, that he or she would hack into her voice mailbox. In any case, I guess what’s really to be discussed here is the actual content of the ranting.

In this message, Baldwin refers to his daughter as “a rude pig,” calls Basinger a “thoughtless pain in the ass,” and threatens flying out to L.A. for one day only, the 20th, in order to “set [Ireland] straight.” I found that last threat to be legitimately scary. If I were Ireland I’d definitely think dad was going to kill me on the 20th. For Baldwin demands, “[she] better be ready for [him].” Yikes.

(Maybe this is straying off-topic, but I noticed Baldwin speaks to his daughter in an odd condemning tone, as if his daughter were an adult, perhaps an agent of his. Or something. It’s weird. I encourage you to listen for yourself, so you know exactly what I’m talking about. Or not. This audio may not be your cup of tea. Even though, apparently, it is mine. My cup of (chai) tea. Yum.)

Right. Back to the voicemail. At one point during the tirade as he is addressing Ireland’s offed cell phone irresponsibility, Baldwin yells, “I don’t care if you’re eleven or ten!” At first I (chuckled) and judged Baldwin for not knowing his own daughter’s age. But then I remembered that for the past year I thought I was a year younger than I actually was. Therefore, I decided to let this mistake slide. Also, I’m not sure naming Basinger a “thoughtless pain the ass” insinuates instability on Baldwin’s part. Seeing as how I’m sure most actors are….thoughtless pains in the ass(es). Jared Leto.

Now, I in no way condone this type of parental behavior. No parent should threaten their child like that. However, what I will say is, who knows what kind of daughter Ireland is. Maybe she’s like those kids on “The Maury Povich Show” who are forced to enroll in those military camps. Or even worse, maybe she’s a young Paris Hilton (my most hated). I mean, if my memory serves me correctly, at age eleven I’m pretty sure I was Satan. And while my parents never pulled the ol’, “you better be ready for me on the 20th” on me, who’s to say I didn’t deserve such threats. I mean besides most of the people reading this, and America in general. But seriously, (I am serious) we do not know Baldwin’s side of the story. Maybe his intent was to simply scold her, or take away her credit card. My parents were full of empty threats when I was younger. All parents are.

So, let’s not cast stones at the guy (just yet). Everyone deserves the right to defend themselves. But more importantly, it’s been about a week since I listened to the sound clip, and I honestly don’t remember much about it, aside from thinking Ireland was an interesting name. Hence, the voicemail might be a lot worse than I think. But I guess we’ll never know!

I will still watch.

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I suppose it’s every mayor’s prerogative to clean something up in the city before his time is up. Fiorello LaGuardia, the Little Flower, crusaded against corruption. Rudy Giuliani, the Little Catholic, made it his business to cut down crime via fixing broken windows and making people scoop dog poop.

And Michael Bloomberg, the Little Billionaire, is all up in our shit. Early on, he became mortal enemies with 90% of New Yorkers by banning smoking in bars. At this point, only about 5% of people still hate him for that and they’ll all be dead soon anyway. Now he’s just looking to keep New York over-crowded, apartment availability at around 1%, and our subways like sardine cans. Our mayor is trying his darndest to keep up alive. Because there is absolutely nothing he can do to keep us safe from other people, Bloomberg is just protecting us from ourselves, one fragile bit at a time.

The Lungs: Banned smoking in bars
The Arteries: Banned trans-fats from restaurants
The Baby-makers: Distributed millions of NYC branded condoms
The Foreskin: Offering free circumcisions to prevent the transmission of HIV

For the record, I understand the no smoking in bars. It’s just bad. I think we can all basically agree with that. I, personally, agree with the trans-fat thing because their very existence scares the bejeezus out of me. However, I’m a little concerned with how much thought the mayor is putting into the collective wang of NYC. And I’m also kind of touched. Yes, in that way.

Update: Bloomberg not so interested in our bloomers – Today, he recanted his administration’s circumcision proposal. Oh well. I’m sure he’ll be talking about my fallopia tomorrow.

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