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Posts Tagged ‘Bev 9’

The scene: It’s 8:20AM and a young lady – let’s just say it’s this editor, for the sake of argument – stumbles sleepily down the stairs to the subway, shuffles past the booth and stops for a moment to fumble with her MetroCard. Lodged in the turnstile nook, headphones on, hands engrossed in the search for the MetroCard, she is helpless. And that’s when the Subway Pervert descends.

SP sneaks up behind the helpless lady and grabs her ass like he is being sucked into a black hole and it is the only way he can keep from being torn out of this reality and having all of his cells flipped inside out. What I’m trying to say here is that it is a strong grab. However, in the moment it happens, she is already going through the gate and by the time the atrocity of the situation hits her, she is on the other side. She spins around, locks eyes with SP and gives him the dirtiest look she can muster. It is some cold shit, though probably no match for a good old fashioned molestation.

Now, the aggrieved young lady has a couple of options. First, she can go back through the turnstile, forfeit her $2, and punch/yell at SP. This is not really an ideal choice should the young lady have wrongly identified the Pervert or should the Pervert be more wily, high or violent than she originally expected. The second option would be to yell to the cop who happened to be on the platform, “THAT PERVERT JUST GRABBED MY ASS!” The cop, of course, would be forgivable if he responded, “I’m really just here to look out for terrorists. Ass-grabbing is totally righteous and American.” The final option would be to ignore it, tossing nothing his way but some stink-eye. And this is what she does.

I propose we start an advocacy group for subway molestees. Or at least provide everyone with NYC branded pepper spray. Or scarlet SPs.

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Dear RK,

I don’t know how to tell you this, but you are mired in a prejudice so thick and vile, you may never find your way out. The yellow trains are not slow. I mean, no more slow than any of the other trains – all of which travel at the speed and with the agility of a toddler. The F train is no prize, my friend.

However, you did make a good point regarding the above-ground stops. I love those. But you know what’s better than chugging along past the Kentile sign at Smith & 9th? Crossing the East River on the N and Q trains (also on the B & D trains that I use to get to work). You can look north and see the charming waterfront-industrial scene or you can look south (my choice) and see the Statue of Liberty, the Brooklyn Bridge, the big shiny Financial District buildings, boats, dead bodies…it’s like a little bit of heaven! All the while, your F train is creeping along underground like so many giant, seething rats.

Seething rats.

f-train.jpg = rat.jpg

A simile.

Earlier:
Subway (Debate) Series
Subway (Debate) Series: Rebuttal

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Interesting choice in route, the 4th and 9th R/M to Union Square over the F to 14th Street. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you had a few valuable words of wisdom there, Friend. However, I do know better, so now I must annihilate you and your arguments.

First off, I must state that the R and M trains are, how you say, pieces of shit. And don’t you dare deny this, Friend. Don’t you (fucking) dare. You and I both know that even at their fastest, I could run alongside both trains and beat either one to the next station. And this is coming from someone with a weak respiratory system, strained left shoulder, and bad knees. Maybe you enjoy riding those graffiti’d subway tracks at such a slow pace you’re able to read every crude comment written on those black, tarred walls. But I, personally, enjoy feeling as though I am in an actual moving vehicle, not a carriage being pulled by a Gypsy Horse in the mid to late 1600’s. But perhaps you have an old soul, which would explain your penchant for slow moving cars, similar to how an 88 year old likes to drive 13 mph on a 65 mph highway. In which case, then yeah, the R or M trains might be a wiser choice.

I, however, am young at heart. I, like most humans, prefer my trains to be fast. I like to feel a steady flow of vibrations below my feet, and getting to work on time.

I’d also like to address the fact that the 4th and 9th Street F stop is above ground. And correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you once state, and I think pretty recently, that, “Without the Canal, the F train would not make its two glorious above-ground stops at Smith & 9th and 4th Avenue. Think of all those people who wouldn’t be able to send text messages, check their voice mail and make annoying phone calls while commuting with 6000 other people in a single train car.” Oh, hey look what I found. Your exact quote. So, interesting. You choose the shitty, stank, underground R/M, over the oh-so glorious above-ground F stop. Two timer.

Now, I know you’re probably going to come back at me with, “but one rides the R/M for no more than three stops.” Well, I have news for you, the N train moves just as slowly as the R. It skips stops, yes. However, it is so incredibly jam-packed in the morning that the actual weight of the train permits it to drive only at a negative pace. -12 mph, if you’re looking for a rough figure. It is literally, torture.

Convenience is also key here. The F train is a straight shot to 14th Street. No transfers necessary. This means, if you, or I, or anyone else is lucky enough to find an open seat right off the bat, well all I can say is, Zzzzzzz. That means you get to take a nap. And sleep my friend, is a precious, precious thing.

Lastly, if you’re going by old adages, how about this one. N stands for Never; R stands for Rarely.

Love,
RK

PS I bet you didn’t expect any of your previous arguments to nip you in the butt.

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Ian Ziering and Billy Ray Cyrus, that’s who. This season’s Dancing With the Stars is pulling out all the stops. I say this not because Joey Fatone (Fat-One) will be cha cha cha-ing across that wonderful ABC sponsored dance floor, but because Heather Mills will be competing as well. Interesting choice, Dancing With the Stars. Interesting indeed. Seriously though, really, really interesting. And weird.  There are a number of other competitors, I simply cannot think of any at the moment. Probably because they’re not real celebrities. Not like Ian Ziering. But I do know Muhammad Ali’s daughter will be showing off her tango skills. Maybe she’ll punch someone.

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