Posts Tagged ‘Bald’

Apparently Hillary Clinton is turning to the American public for her new campaign song. Spin Magazine has thrown out a few options, including Bikini Kill’s “Rebel Girl,” Hole’s “Miss World,” Depeche Mode’s “Policy of Truth,” Magnetic Fields’ “I Don’t Believe You” and Missy’s “She’s a Bitch.”

I was thinking Camera Obscura – “Let’s Get Out of this Country?” Or “Anything You Can Do I Can do Better” from Annie Get Your Gun? She could even dance on stage with Claire Danes and exchange pants! That would not only get my vote, but show America who wears the pants in the White House. However this might make me wish that Doris Day and Robert Goulet would be running mates.

Any ideas Brooklyn Skeptic?

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MoveOn.org is inviting all of us to a virtual town hall to talk about Iraq with Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, John Edwards, Bill Richardson, Dennis Kucinich, and Joe Biden. Earnestness is not my forte, but I think this is genuinely good.

Virtual Town Hall: Iraq
Tuesday, April 10
7:15 PM

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NY Magazine has some stuff to say about Britney, her hair, her self-mutilation, etc. They say, she “stripped herself, publicly (huh huh) of her sexuality” note: items in parentheses added by editor.

But one interesting thing they do say is about “Britney” vs. “Spears” – the fact that the media always calls her Britney speaks to their desire to cookie-cutter-Barbie-ize her, while calling her “Spears” would humanize her. Or maybe it’s just a cultural thing that I don’t get.

During Saddam Hussein’s initial ousting, a friend of mine was upset that the biased media was only referring to him as “Saddam,” rather than “Hussein” – he felt like that was a condescending move. But, as it turns out, in the Arab world men are often referred to by their first names, not as a sign of disrespect at all…but still. Pretty much everyone else, Arab or not, gets called by their last name in this media.

But anyway, back to Britney. Maybe she’s just telling us that it’s her prerogative and she is indeed a woman now and not that innocent and sometimes she runs and she’s a slave for us and we drive her crazy and she’s so lucky and outrageous and this is all toxic and…

Whew. Why were we surprised?

saddam.jpgYoung Britney

Saddam and Britney — both stars stripped of their last names by the media.

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Just so we don’t fall behind in our cutting-edge analysis of Brit Brit’s psychosis, here’s an interesting thought.

Slate.com suggests her foray into barber-ism (huh huh) had to do with avoiding drug tests in a child custody fight with Kevin “I don’t look so bad now, do I?” Federline. Hair = alarmingly accurate time line of drug use. Fascinating.

Wait, wait! Can we start calling her Britney Shears? No? Okay.

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So the half-assed, luke warm political insult slinging has begun. Sigh. I wish they would just all get together and have a nice slapfight and settle this like adults.

McCain is definitely pulling out ahead in this one if only because he has literally no shame. Case in point:

“Some minutes later, after the news conference had ended, Mr. McCain, unbidden, said to the reporter, ‘Sir, I stand by my comments about Secretary Rumsfeld, by the way.'”

Really, really, Mr. Reporter sir. I don’t like that man one bit! Take me seriously! Unfortunately what he said about Rumsfeld wasn’t too salacious. It was along the lines of Rumsfeld being a bad Secretary of Defence. At which point all of America slapped their foreheads and said, “duh.”


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As I sit and eat my bowl of out-of-season blueberries (it’s okay, I like my fruit tart) I think to myself, Britney, where’s your fucking hair? And why are you so crazy? I am so confused right now. It seems as though Britney was less crazy when she was with K-Fed. Am I wrong? Am I? No, I am not.

Here’s what I want to know: What was Britney thinking when she (literally) gave herself a buzzcut? Who tricked her into believing she had the style/face to pull off a head with no hair? And what was she on? I speculate the Brit was intoxicated with some sort of illegal substance, perhaps a magical pill that causes one to hallucinate he or she is Sinead O’Connor. Or Montell Williams. But, I have to admit, unlike the rest of the world I can, to a certain degree, relate to Britney. Not because I’ve memorized the dance moves to “Crazy” and “Oops I Did It Again,” or have imagined myself walking hand in hand with Justin Timberlake on a white sand beach while white horses gallop freely along the shore, but because from time to time I’ve considered shaving off my own hair. But I don’t ever to through with it, mostly because I have an ill-shaped head, but also because 1) I’m not completely without superficiality, 2) I’m not artistic enough to appreciate myself…in that way, and 3) I don’t think I could pull it off. I would like to think that one day I might be ballsy/confident enough to shave my head, but seeing as how (at the moment) all my friends are shallow, and we all know how influential friends are, I don’t think I will be taking an electric shaver to my head anytime soon. And you know what? I bet Britney’s friends….even shallower than mine. Which means she is obviously going through some sort of nervous breakdown and cannot think clearly. Friends don’t let friends drive drunk. And in a recent interview with her ex-beau, the deadbeat claimed Briney was incredibly insecure (about her looks), and really, really loved sex. One might think that if Brit Brit was feeling down about her bod and face, she wouldn’t have, perhaps, shaved her head, or spent the past few months gorging herself with cheetos and ignoring the treadmill. And don’t get me wrong, I know it’s difficult to go to the gym, as my dust-collecting gym membership card has not been used in the past (lot of) months. But I think, and I might be going out on a limb here, that if I was a millionaire and therefore had the means to hire a personal trainer and chef, I would be motivated enough to step away from processed foods. Although, who knows. Maybe I wouldn’t. Maybe I too would marry a backup dancer, put Stephen Dorff in my music video, have two kids, wear a shirt to the premiere of “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” that said “I have the golden ticket” with an arrow pointing towards my pregnant belly, get divorced, dye my hair black, then bonde, then black again, have lots of threesomes, hang out with Paris Hilton, stop hanging out with Paris Hilton, never see my children, sit in a pile of my own vomit, shave my head and then the next day wear a weird wig with sunglasses, and go mental. May. Be.

I would like to say though, I think Britney Spears needs help. I believe her recent behavior is a reflection of her mental instability, and that nine years of living under a microscope has taken its toll on her. Women in the media are scrutinized more than anyone else, and it’s really no wonder this poor girl has become, like her hit song, crazy. I think we’re all familiar with how deconstructive stardom at a young age can be to a person, and it is our duty to send out positive wishes to our good friend, Britney Spears. I will begin.

Get better soon, Britney. No matter what anyone says about you, I will always remember your performance at the 2001 superbowl. Unstoppable. And hot.

PS. I lied up above. About the blueberries, and how I like my fruit tart. I actually like my fruit to be really sweet (like candy!).

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Britney, Britney, Britney. I don’t think I can express the depths of America’s sadness when we heard that on February 16th, your hair/sanity passed on. We are truly sorry for your loss, but more so for ours.

You were America’s sweetheart. You wore vinyl jumpsuits, school girl outfits, no underpants, and Justin Timberlake. In short, you were everything we wished we could be. You embodied the dreams of a nation. Your hair/sanity was taken – at your own hands, no less – far too soon.

In recent months, we should have known that something was wrong. Your hair color kept changing and you kept claiming to love K-Fed. It didn’t feel right at the time, but we couldn’t fathom the depths of this kind of depravity. Sure, there are lots of brunettes and all young women chose the wrong guy from time to time. But no, we never should have made excuses for you. It is our fault as much as yours.

I know we were all excited when you dropped Fed-Ex and started partying with Hollywood’s elite – Lohan and Paris. We thought this meant that you were ready to reclaim your throne, making mid-western mothers worry for their 8-year-old daughters’ chastity again. Sometimes you would turn blond again and we were filled with such hope. Oh, Britney. We were fools.

Here we stand now, with your hair/sanity but soothing memory, and we wonder how we will go on.

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