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Posts Tagged ‘Asshole’

If you are like me and still have a latent attachment to Yahoo! Mail for Facebook notifications or the occasional email from your mother, you may come across the prominently featured dating advice articles that inhabit the front page. In Yahoo’s lifestyle section one finds articles extolling the virtues of letting your partner flirt with other men and women, advice on how to make long distance relationships work, and never ending updates on how members of the opposite sex (sorry LBGTQ folk!) can communicate with and understand each other. Today’s Yahoo! feature focuses on the “11 Things Women Don’t Know About Men.” Written by Evan Marc Katz, the article embarks on a thorough and deep analysis of the fragile male psyche that has yet to be apprehended by women everywhere. Since Evan realizes the truth is likely to be either too enraging or complicated for women to handle, he thankfully includes this headshot of himself at the beginning of his piece to engender empathy among his readers.

Typically it is acceptable to judge a book by it’s cover, but we should be charitable with Evan’s plunging neckline as it indicates his willingness to get to the heart of the very matters that have divided men from women for so long. Here are a few excerpts from his 1.5 page manifesto:

1. Getting angry at us for not reading your mind is like getting angry at yourself for not being able to fly. It’s not just futile, it’s physically impossible.

Mel Gibson aside, I think Evan is spot on here. Women are entirely too upset about their inability to fly commercial aircraft. At least be content that you have a disproportionate amount of flight attendant jobs.

8. There should a statute of limitations on stupid things that we said that can come back to haunt us. I propose 24 hours.

Although one might think this is a pathetic cry for a woman’s charity, the Bible advises that adopting Evan’s proposal is an endeavor in self preservation:

“Mat 6:14-15 (NIV) “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But, if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”*

12. Your nice guy friends are the most reliable source for telling you if your new boyfriend’s a jerk. And he probably is. (By the way, you might want to consider marrying that nice guy who’s giving you advice about the jerk.)

I thought there were only 11 of these, but this one is arguably the most insightful. As 90% of sexual assault is perpetrated by persons known to the victim, it is more than likely that a woman’s “nice guy friends” will know how to identify their partners in crime…

*Note that the gendered language of this passage does not require reciprocity. Tough luck, broads.

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Remember Scooter Libby? He was the one who got convicted of perjury and obstructing justice. That whole Valerie Plame thing. Her husband was an ambassador who said that the administration was lying about Iraq buying uranium in Africa (back before we shock and awed them – remember that shit?). The administration got pissed and so they told Robert Novak, this conservative columnist to write a column “outting” Valerie Plame as the CIA agent that she so was. Turning against “their own.” Or whatever. Clearly issues exist between the exec’s and the CIA type of people, but to me they’re all government people doing sneaky stuff.

Anyway, that was a long time ago. And Scooter Libby was the chief of staff for Dick Cheney. And he was the one who took the fall for all of it. I don’t say that to mean that he wasn’t guilty, but just that he obviously wasn’t the only guilty one.

So he got sentenced to 30 months in prison and $250,000. But, I guess Bush agreed with this guy:

“This is not a man who deserves to go to jail in any sense of the word,” said Kenneth L. Adelman, a former Defense Department official and longtime friend of Mr. Libby, who stayed at his Colorado vacation home before his trial.

“Whatever he did wrong, he certainly paid,” Mr. Adelman said, referring to Mr. Libby’s resignation from his prominent position and his public humiliation. “This is a good person who served his country very well and is a decent person,” he said.

Bush commuted his sentence – meaning that he doesn’t have to serve any jail time. Huh.

Me? I aree with this guy:

Senator Harry Reid of Nevada, the majority leader, called the commutation “disgraceful.”

“Libby’s conviction was the one faint glimmer of accountability for White House efforts to manipulate intelligence and silence critics of the Iraq War,” Mr. Reid said. “Now, even that small bit of justice has been undone.”

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This weekend, I had the express pleasure of getting iced lattes from two fancy-ass Park Slope coffee houses – Gorilla and the new Tea Lounge. And of course, by fancy-ass, I mean they do incredibly amazing things with foam and espresso. Yes, my friends. I’m talking about latte art.

I’ve never understood latte art. It seems like such an empty gesture. After ten minutes giving milk the structural integrity to float on the coffee shaped like a leaf, or a heart, or a puppy, all that’s going to happen is that it’s going to be drunk by some spazzed out Mommy on her way to a Prenatal Yoga class. This weekend, I watched the coffee attendant at Tea Lounge nimbly craft a leaf on a tiny espresso in a paper cup, only to cover it all up with a white plastic lid. The patron for whom he so lovingly created it didn’t even see it. It was kind of heart-breaking.

But for my iced latte, I was introduced to a whole new world of pointless fancy-pantsery. The dude layered my espresso shots and soy milk into a striped wonderland of caffiene and estrogen. At the top, he dropped a jaunty dollop of foam and stained its pristine whiteness with drips of murky coffee. Oh Lord. It was beautiful.

Then he stirred it all up. Empty gesture. It was really delicious though.

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I will admit my interest in politics, especially here on the blog, is not based on the need to know what’s going on in my government. Basically it’s just reveling in the soap-opera of it all.

And luckily Alberto Gonzales keeps on giving. The best part of his hearing on Thursday was his terse exchange with Senator Specter. These two guys are roughly on the same team, and so Gonazales thought this would be a great time to just let his annoying-ness shine. Read more for my in depth analysis of Gonzales in his finest hour:

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After a long day at the Met game, some of us were just looking for a way to unwind last night. It was quickly decided that we all needed to let our hair down, forget the troubles of the world, and get to some orderly – if excessive – competitive drinking. And so we began the first game of Asshole I’ve played since college. It was a doozy.

In case you are not as painfully familiar with the game as I am, you can look it up for yourself because it is too complicated to explain. It had a lot in common with the Brooklyn Brewery Beer Tasting, in that it involved a lot of beer and a terrifyingly drunk Johnb. It differed only in the amount of swearing, rules and playing cards involved.

About an hour in, the game devolved into some sort of fantasy/role-playing drama as one president reigned over the rest of us. She doled out drinks like other unelected leaders dole out summary executions or questionable intelligence. We curried her favor by slinging praise and adulation at her. We undercut our opponents with cruel moves and mandatory drinking. That’s the thing with this game – it encourages the very worst in its players. Normally generous, gregarious individuals reveal themselves to be sniveling brown-nosers whose only real skill is torturing those who are arbitrarily ranked lower than they are. It’s like Risk with livers.

Pros:

  1. Encourages swearing, drunkenness and other underrated activities.
  2. Less complicated than poker.
  3. Invites discussion of civic infrastructure, economic mobility and democratic principles.
  4. Involves trivia questions from time to time.

Cons:

  1. Brings out the asshole in everyone, so to speak.

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